I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

Haven't had internet access at home - so grabbing a bit of time at work to check in.

I've been in the doldrums. I just don't seem able to pull myself out. I totally get the concept that what you put out to the world is what you get back, but I just can't get myself into a more positive frame of mind. For one thing, the weather here is rotten and my GAL is stalled. I am just plain sad much of the time. Every once in a while, I will get a little spark in me of acceptance and perspective, but it goes away quickly. I wonder how it can be that I am in love with, still miss, and want back someone who treats me this way. Do I really think so little of myself? Am I weak? Or, is this commitment actually a sign of strength in me that I should be glad of?

I haven't spoken with H in 11 days. I left him vm almost one full week ago and got no response.

Eve - I think it kind of shook me up when I saw your news. It made me wonder when I am going to find out that my own H is lying. I thought I was being loving and validating to offer him our full tax refund so that he could have a good vacation. Today, I looked at his credit card statements on-line (snooping, yes, but I am sick of not knowing anything) and I saw that on 2/1 he paid for a cruise. (This was before he knew he would have that money.) He never mentioned it. Today, I saw from ATM records that he is in Florida. I think he might have just arrived there today, but it's weird because I see no gas or motel charges and he was going to drive down - which takes at least two days. Maybe he has a second credit card, I don't know. In some ways, whether there is OW or not is not really the issue, just another symptom. But those lies/that betrayal on top of everything else adds insult to injury and, to me, would take something really important away from the M that I am trying so hard to save. I don't know what I would do with that news.

I am just not detached, yet, and I long to be.