Hi, Jethro...Your W seems to be really committed to your R/M, from what you're saying. Before I read this last post (I was behind by a day or so), I was about to tell you that you & SBH should discuss the value of snooping.
He was suspicious of me, and did some computer geek ghost-monitoring of my computer (mind you, SBH is NOT a geek, I just like to tease him b/c he's gotten so into the computer stuff - he's smart and pretty much of a james dean rebellious guy...I'm just glad he loves me and the kids enough to keep his life safe these days...heh, heh) and found out my password quite easily and looked at my account. But he also pointed out that I was getting more open about being on the computer, switching screens as soon as he walked into the room, locking the door (ostensibly to keep the rugrats out, but he knew better), etc. So he had supporting evidence to "justify" the snoop. And he felt perhaps I wanted to be caught. You know, I really did. I was getting more aware of how AWFUL the OM was, and really needed help getting out of the situation.
SO, now knowing that your W doesn't even use a password - perhaps SHE wants to get caught, too? Wants you to know some of these things, without having to face you directly? It can be subtle - I did it when OM came to my therapy appt - rather than directly email SBH, I posted about it, figuring if he read it that would be his choice, if I emailed it to him it would be my fault - didn't want to disturb him at work, etc. My therapist (who is excellent) said I was being passive aggressive. And, after getting over the ouch of having someone call me that, I realized she was right.
But, it's still difficult to address feelings face to face. E.g. my recent email-coffee-with-former-client situation. I thought I should deal with it myself, b/c I knew it would hurt SBH, and I really knew I couldn't meet the guy for coffee - but I still needed some support in telling him no, and finally asked for it. Only to find out that these are the things SBH wants to hear about up front - and the things I learned from that situation were so valuable! I will tell him these things right when they happen, face whatever feelings I have about enjoying the attention from another male, and deal with them w/in my M!!!!!
My attitude of wanting to deal with the coffee thing myself was based partly on not wanting to face conflict with SBH, but also on not wanting to hurt him any more, partciularly since I knew I wasn't going to have coffee with the guy...I think your W is moving in the direction of being able to learn these lessons, as well. My first M was a "friendship" relationship. I definitely married him b/c I was lonely and depressed. So I know it can happen. BUT, I also know that I put up barriers b/c of intimacy issues, and those barriers DO make you "feel" like you don't really love someone. The barriers make you feel like you just have friendship for the person, b/c when you get intimate it is so uncomfortable. You make it the other person's fault, b/c it is daunting to think that you might have to try to fix the underlying cause w/in yourself. I know I didn't really believe it could be fixed until sometime last fall.
So, your W has a lot of scary issues to face. Keep up your GREAT work! I don't know if you saw the Mother Theresa quote I put on MAL's thread in MLC, but it echoes tbone's statement "if you trust too much you may be deceived, but if you trust too little you will be tormented"
If you can't find it on MAL's thread, let me know & I'll type it for you here...The key part to it for you, I think, is something like - if you trust people they will take advantage of you, trust them anyway....you see, it never was between you and them anyway, it is between you and God.
BTW, SBH is a writer and keeps a journal. When I was growing up, my parents made it clear they would not read any notes I wrote or got from my friends, or snoop through my room...and they never did. Ever since SBH & I first got together I have made it clear to him that I will NEVER read his journal, no matter where he leaves it lying, because I, too, am a writer, and I understand the need for complete privacy of the thoughts and feelings you put down on paper.
So, in my world, you would not snoop. Now, in my world, I never would have had an affair, either, so I can't say I WOULDN'T snoop, although, after having an A, I understand more completely the need to follow my principles no matter what! My theory - there are things that make you feel you need to snoop. Discuss THOSE with your W, rather than snooping. YOu'll probably get to the same place without breaching anyone's privacy or tormenting yourself...
Words to ponder, just my HO, of course!
Hey - try typing 3 good things for the day - LL & I are having good success with this...for me it has bled over into looking at lots of things more positively in my life.
