Scripture and Faith

[missmyfriend]

Punk

Thanks for the prayers. Never can have enough of them. You know that you and your family have mine. Every night.

I have hope that your W and my W start to show more focus toward the children because they didnt ask for this. I am an adult and can take care of myself. When your parents do not demonstrate the unwavering unconditional love, it hurts deeply and affects all of your Rs.

I believe that eventually they will realize what is important in life. It will take time and a lot of patience and love for them or they will shut down permanently.

Regarding the cat, I am surprised she shared that with me. It is almost as if she still considers me safe enough to discuss things like that. Her inner thoughts or feelings. Very strange. And why would she not want to drop any thought of having a cat around if she could see her D? I dont get it. People have been questioning MLC but there is something emotionally wrong with her.

Imageer

I think his wife had found out but she never realized she had a letter stating that the mortgage was sold. What happened to all of her payments, I have no idea. She said that she called the mortgage co asking for her money back. My friends screwed up. The sad thing is that they are both intelligent people.

It appears to be too late to do anything now. The 3rd party mortgage company that it was sold to has a tendency to foreclose if it can and sell it off, taking the equity that was built up in the home. They were paying the house off in 15 years so they had built up quite a bit of equity. They really hurt themselves.

Imageer, I had no idea that your W was going through the motions like my W is. I thought that she was giving them real attention.

With the limited sampling of women MLCers, it seems like women in MLC have a greater disregard for parenting that men in MLC. I can only compare with what I have read here and some other info I have.

I have trouble with mothers abandoning there role just as much as fathers. It is an honor, not a chore.

[Imageer]

When I say going through the motions, she does seem happy to see them when they come to her place. She feeds them and helps them with their home work. However, whenever she has an opportunity to ditch the kids and go with her friends, she does. Christmas last year was a perfect example. She came to me and said "I have an opportunity to go away over Christmas and your family has always been more in to Christmas anyway so I think you should have the kids and I'll go away" The kids ended up not hearing from her until the 27th. She actually didn't leave to go away until the 27th, but didn't bother to call the kids on Christmas day. They then didn't hear from her for a week after that while she was away. So by going through the motions I mean that Santa Claus came to her house the Saturday before Christmas and she made them dinner and then I picked them up Christmas Eve and we didn't hear from her until the 27th. Actually she hasn't been with the kids for any holidays since she left. Easter, Valentines, Birthdays, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, None of them last year and it's headed that way this year too.

Now the newest development is that she wants to switch the kids every 2 weeks rather than every week. I'm pretty sure that this at the demand of OW and I don't think W really likes it and I know the kids don't like it. We'll have to see what effect that has on this whole thing.

[missmyfriend]

I really hope that this is not a permanent change for our spouses, i.e. that they are through with motherhood. To me, they act more like aunts or other relatives that have a less emotional interest than a mom.

Of course, I think that eventually they will be pulled back emotionally but I hope it is not long after the kids move on because of a lack of emotional investment on the part of our wives.

[lawless]

Just to touch on the parenting bit MMF and IMA,

I mat with XW a couple of weeks ago. I had my son 10 with me because what is happening with this sitch is killing him.

The first words out of her mouth were "I know exactly whats bothering him"

I told her she didn't have a clue and maybe she should ask him what was on his mind.

She asked, and I couldn't believe what he said but he poured his heart out to her. Nearly all he had to say was in regard to her (calling in sick)

I told her this is the schedule and I will not accept a sick call amongst other things.

So, fast forward to next week, she calls in sick a half hour before her weekend visit. I told her she had better be here to pick the kids up or I would track her down and she would be FORCED to have her visit. I have had enough of seeing my kids suffer over her decision. She meekly responded that she would be here to pick them up.


It's very easy for the MLCers to call in sick, very easy for them to abandon the kids, or is it? I will not allow her decisions to impact my (our) kids any longer.

I am in a bit of a different place these days after dealing with MLC for 18 months. I am not going to enable any longer. My feeling is that when you bring kids into this world you shall never harm them MLC or not. MLC does not absolve a person male or female from certain obligations, well it does only if we let them.

[tpaschal]

I really hope that this is not a permanent change for our spouses, i.e. that they are through with motherhood. To me, they act more like aunts or other relatives that have a less emotional interest than a mom.

Of course, I think that eventually they will be pulled back emotionally but I hope it is not long after the kids move on because of a lack of emotional investment on the part of our wives.

Hi, MMF. I am fairly new to posting around here, but I've been lurking since the spring and have followed your sitch. Your steady faith and reliance on God has helped me more than once, as I keep struggling with the concept of "let go and let God." I'm a control freak by nature, and I know that one of the important lessons God has for me in the midst of all this is to be still. To learn patience and reliance on Him and His timeline, instead of trying to force things to follow the timeline I want.

I just wrote a post in my own thread (although it may have been the post that my computer ate!) about how so many of the MLC'ers actions while in MLC seem to be the exact opposite of who they were before. I said that it seems as though my own H wants to be the fond uncle or family friend rather that a real DAD! So what you wrote above really struck me.

This does seem to be true of so many MLC'ers, both male and female. I don't understand how any parent could so easily walk away from their kids, but then, I'm not the one in MLC! It really is a CRISIS. Who my H is now is SOOOOO different than the man that I knew, the man that his kids and his parents and all our extended family and friends knew.

He wants to reinvent himself and become a new person, and I think if he could rewrite history in order to no longer be a father, he would. His kids remind him that he is NOT 21, there's no way he can REALLY have a do-over, and he DOES have real life duties and responsibilities to three little souls. Those are all things this "new person" doesn't want to face, so it's easier to detach emotionally and stay away physically as much as possible.

I also think they are so selfishly self-involved that they just don't have the emotional maturity or depth to truly give of themselves to ANYONE. Not to the OW, not to the LBS, not even to their own kids.

Anyway, just wanted to share because what you wrote above was so similar to exactly what I'd been thinking recently.

[Cinderellaman]

Hi sweety......just wanted to come by and say hi ! Thanks for your kind post about me (as an illustration), you could just as easily have put your own name in there, for you are MUCH better at this than I am !

Had a rough weekend but....I know that the sun will shine again.

Much love to you big bro' !

Take care and may God be with you !

[missmyfriend]

Law
I can understand your frustration with your W not "listening" to your son's needs and concerns. My W has her masters in counseling and she has constantly tried to assess them instead of parent them. She doesn't listen to them.

The issue of "forcing" your spouse to step up instead of calling in sick is a tough one. I think you are doing what you think is best for the kids and it probably is.

I do have a question about your Ws time with your kids. Do they seem better after a visit with her or worse or is there any difference?

I agree law that there is no excuse to be lapse in parenting even in MLC. I think that is why I believe there is something more to MLC than simply selfishness. It is a complete change in personality as opposed as incremental or selective. It is almost on a scope, although not as dangerous, as a psychotic break. A person can be completely functional prior to a break and then it happens and the person is never the same again.

In a way, it is more insidious because it is not as obvious to those around them and appears less threatening but the peripheral damage that is causes is still evident.

tpaschal
Thanks for coming by. Please do so more often. I have read some of your posts in the past. I am trying to read more on the board again but I find myself slacking.

You have made excellent observations. As I was just sharing with law, MLC doesn't just effect the spouse. I do believe MLC is a symptom of something larger that is devastating to those around them. The challenge is that most of the MLCers "appear" to be normal, in that they are simply making life choices (oh how I hate that political correct phrase) which are good for them. The thing is that most of the time they have become less attentive parents, dropped long term friendships with others and, in many cases, have relationships with people that are not stable themselves. This implies that they are in a crisis and not making improvements.

Cinders
Hey little sis! I am sorry you had a rough weekend. I did too! Maybe we were in sync.

I did learn something this weekend. I think that I was not talking to the big guy in the right way. I was not listening to Him so I started last night before I went to bed changing that. This morning, I saw a business newspaper that is not spiritual at all and the title story in big lettering said "Faith Overcomes Fear". I picked it up and read the article about an extremely successful businessman (one of the most successful African Americans in the states) who credits his faith in God with his success in business, family and life, in general. You could tell that he could lose everything and he would still trust Him.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

Anyway, thank you for the vote of confidence but I know what I know and you have no idea how much you influence me positively!

And may God be with you too!

[lawless]

MMF,

The kids are always the same or better after the visitation, they miss their mother very much and look forward to their time with her. It crushes them when she doesn't show up when she is expected to.

Just to clarify my pretty muddy previous post what I was suggesting is that we too often enable our MLCers. We all complain about the bad friends they have that have helped them get to where they are and my XW has had some of the worst friends you can imagine. It is the bad friends and employers and relatives and us that enable the MLCer to do the things they do. I think that with enough enabling they may never do the work they need to do on themselves to become healthy individuals.

This is why I've chosen not to enable any longer, you see when XW calls in sick, skips on CS, dumps the kids on her parents etc. she is running from reality. I have no control over her boss or friends but I do have control over me. If she wants a free day without kids she can call in sick to work but I think her boss will not tolerate that for long.

I have thought about this a lot and I think that when it comes to enabling the MLCer we need to point our finger at ourselves as well.

Hope that clears the mud up a little

[missmyfriend]

Law, I can understand that. There is a tough balancing act in some circumstances where we find out where we need to draw the line and where we are not going to far either way. I dont think you are in danger of that because you are a good person.

In my situation, I would like to do something for my W. Independence is so important to her that I have to be careful if I offer to pay for a meal. Even making an innocent comment that one of our kids had a good time with her can be misconstrued as some hidden agenda. Further challenging this is that she doesnt say anything to me but I am aware that something has changed in her interaction with me. And sometimes she says something to one of our children.

So, I let her take care of herself as is her fantasy. If she ever truly needs me though, sc$ew protocol or opinions and I am there. I am one tough doormat!!! LOL!

[ANewMe]

that they are through with motherhood.

I think that H is through with fatherhood. I found out today that H and OW are heading to Florida on Friday to visit IL's. I was supposed to be the one who was with him when our children grew up and didn't want to join us anymore. How unfair! H and OW have two new puppies, too. Now our poor old dog has been replaced too.