Not sure I understand, JJ. You think that she's still harboring feelings and keeping those secret?

I hate to use the word "secret" in this case, maybe more of just keeping them away from you. You may think of this as being deceitful and lying, but take a minute to do a 180 on your thinking of it, and look at it as a way for her to "protect" your relationship from more harm. How would you act, and feel, then? From there, you might be able to find your balance.

As for harboring feelings, I almost hate to say this, but yes. As much as we would like it to be different, there is no "on/off" switch when it comes to feelings for another person, especially for women. Everytime she sees him, whether or not she actually talks to him, it's going to bring up some kind of feeling. This doesn't mean she's going to act on those feelings.

About the best you can do to combat this is to do what you can to keep the balance of the scale tipped in your direction. Keep making yourself the most attractive option.

Also, keep in mind that Michele warns against a person "always" expressing their feelings. Especially to their partner. Although ideally it sounds great to share everything with your partner, the reality of this is different. Feelings are just feelings. They can come and go, in a matter of minutes. Sometimes, sharing EVERYTHING that you're feeling with your partner may do more harm then good.

That's one nice thing about this board is that we can vent and share feelings here. Your wife doesn't have this outlet. If you really want her to share it all with you, tell you everything, you would have to make it totally safe for her to do so. No "demands", and no reactions whatsoever to whatever she says to you. How do you react to any conversations surrounding this subject now? How could you change that? Are you sure you really want to do a total 180 on this, and would be able to keep any kind of respect for her, any hope? Where would the boundaries on these "listening sessions" lie? Are you ready to apply for sainthood?

I guess in summary, her "lies" MAY be born out of confusion, insecurities, and fears. Not with the intention of doing you harm. If you were to look at is this way, what could you be doing differently?


JJ

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