Update to my sitch, the end has come

[LOVE_JONES]

Mako that is messed up 'ma man! I don't think her counselor should be discussing intimate relationship issues with your W...let alone with you IN FRONT OF HER!! That is so unprofessional IMO...plus, putting you on the spot like that was totally uncalled for. Counselors should not direct ANYBODY to make any decisions one way or the other...I do understand their position to support a decision their clients make...but to force decisions like that....just wrong.

Which is why, many sponsors say "Do not make any life changing/altering decisions while in recovery." This is the very reason why. Many people are very unstable and unsure during this time...it is a very difficult/confusing/scary time in an addict's (and their family's) lives. I'm glad you didn't get backed up against the wall dude...you did the right thing. You children's welfare is first and foremost....undoubtedly.

LJ

[mako_man]

Hey, got another question for those that have been through this stuff with a addict. Here's the latest. My W claims that she "resents me so much she can barely look at me, let alone take a step in my house". This is something I have been hearing for the past 8 months while she was cheating. I never understood it, I mean, I am like "Wait, you cheated on me, waited for us to go on vacation then cleaned out my house and left us (my kids and I). You moved us all down here (biloxi) against our will under false pretenses and YOU feel this burning resentment towards ME?" I never got it, and its as strong as ever now even though she is claiming that she is recovering. So, I started to read the AA big book online and sure enough there is good info about resentment, and that its the NUMBER ONE reason why alcoholics relapse. I almost feel like she is saying, "I am gonna relapse, and this resentment will be my excuse!" She says she resents me because she has nothing, and I have the kids, the house, etc. I just bought a new car and she says she resents me for that. I bought a new couch (after she took ours), she claimed "you didnt have to buy such a nice couch!" What the hell? What planet our we on? At this point, she claims to love me, wants more than anything for me to trust her (her words) but hits me with this insanity about resentment, then tells me she doesnt TRUST ME! She says I will never believe her if she does put everything out on the table, it will never be enough and I will always question whether thats everything there is to know. Any thoughts?

[LOVE_JONES]

Ummmm....never heard this. Not from anybody I ever talked to, in ANY meetings or groups, or from any in-depth conversations with my H. But I could understand it...

Maybe resentment with a little jealousy thrown in for good measure??? Sounds to me like she is mad/resentful/jealous bcuz you don't have the (addictive/psychologic) problems that she has. Life is going 'relatively' ok for you. New car, vacation, kids she doesn't really have a R with, house, clear mind....everything. She also sounds like she is afraid of you judging her (negatively) no matter what she says or does. That is a HUGE fear and one that I have heard many, many times from every addict I have spoken with....H included.

How to handle??? Depends on what you really want to do. If you are not going to pursue your relationship with your W then....let it roll off like water on polyester. If you're gonna stick by her and work on the M, then this is where you have to be real strong and like they say here....VALIDATE. A Lot...you will have to reassure her, not pass judgement in any way...all that. And it's DAMN HARD...trust.

If this is the case then the time will come for you to express how you feel, address your anger and resentment...but now is not the time. Just like you have to be strong right now to deal with her resentment of you, she will have to be strong enough to deal with your resentment of her...well...her actions (not her personally). She is not strong enough to deal with that right now.

It's on you baby...

LJ

[mako_man]

Ya, my thing is pretty simple with her and I have already laid it out. She has recently spoken or working on us, on a few different occasions while she was still in rehab. I am trying to take everything with a grain of salt and definitely not trying to get hurt again. But my thing is this: If thats the case AND we start to work on "us" I dont want you contacting any guys from this recent past of yours. She claimed thats fair, but shes with her sister now, vulnerable, got her cell phone and plenty of free time. Shes not spending it with me, but I know she is attending at least 1 AA meeting a day. But, I cant help but feel anxious over where she is and whst she is doing, ya know? I know I have to let that go, but I just dont want to be played again.

[faithisbelieving]

..and you shouldn't be played again. This is going to take a long time. It took 33 years for your W to get to where she is presently and it is NOT going to erase in a few months of rehab. It is definitely a step in the right direction.

I don't like what the rehab counselor told you nor do I like the fact that they are involved in anything related to how she should handle the disposition of her M. I would avoid ANY discussion of those issues with the rehab counselor...as you have wisely done.

My sister once gave me a saying which, initially, I thought was awfully negative. She gave it to me years ago, but, the more I go thru this, the more I think it applies:

G-d bless those who expect nothing for they will never be disappointed.

I think this goes along with the old Star Trek episode that Jeff223 relates to me, Spectre of the Gun. Do you know the episode?

Hang tough.
FIB

[mako_man]

FIB,

Ya I dont expect much, so I am right with you.

[mako_man]

Quick update,

I took my kids to a birthday party this weekend and the wife showed up as well. She ended up taking my middle daughter from the party to take her down to the harbor where she is cleaning a boat thats for sale (one of her current odd jobs). After the party I went down there to pick up my daugther and when I walked up to the boat another worker was there grabbing a beer out of the deck cooler. My wife has been working this "job" for 3 days and seeing the beer there really upset my oldest daughter who walked away crying. Since my W has been out of rehab I have been careful not to have any alcohol in the house when she comes over to visit the kids, I make sure there is nothing that would even remind her of alcohol (this was also at her request). Her sister has been doing the same, but it sure seems like my W is purposely choosing employment that keeps her near drugs, alcohol and those people. The past couple of days she has also been very quiet and appears ridden with guilt all over again, I think she is already relapsing, only just over a week out of rehab. What a joke.

[faithisbelieving]

Her sister has been doing the same, but it sure seems like my W is purposely choosing employment that keeps her near drugs, alcohol and those people. The past couple of days she has also been very quiet and appears ridden with guilt all over again, I think she is already relapsing, only just over a week out of rehab. What a joke.

Then keep your distance. My sister gave me a quote a long time ago. I really thought it was terribly negative. However, in the DB world, I think it truly has creedence:

God bless those who expect nothing for they will never be disappointed

Perhaps this applies here. Perhaps your wife may NEVER 'get it'. Who knows. The bottom line..from the first part of your last post, it is clear that YOU CARE...that your SISTER CARES...that YOU SEE CLEARLY.
That's being a man.
Don't lose that and never leave your kids behind.
FIB

[mako_man]

Another update. I was home waiting for my kids to show up from school yesterday and they never showed. I figured my wife had picked them up but we didnt speak all day so I did have my concerns because this would be something that would need to be cleared by me. Anyway, my daughter then calls from mommy's phone and explains that mommy is taking them out to eat, then over to her sisters and that they would be home by 9pm. I then told her to put mommy on the phone and I *gently* expressed my feelings and let her know that just showing up and taking the children without my knowledge will not work, these things must be communicated, etc. She kind of gave me the cold shoulder, "what do you think I am going to do, take them to a bar?" That kind of thing. I just ignored it and again attempted to calmly and firmly state my position. We left it at that, then 1/2 hr later wife calls sobbing, saying she is bringing the kids by because she "really needs to go to an AA meeting right now." I didnt pry, just expressed that I understood. She ended up staying for 3 consecutive meetings and when she got out she called expressing her self hate for being an alcoholic, ruining her life, etc. I told her I think she can beat this, but I am concerned about the choice of job she is working at so soon after rehab (recreational boating is no place for a recovering alcoholic). She agreed but didnt say she was going to change that, she didnt say much after that except for thanking me and telling me she loves me. She is clearly back at the precipice which she leaped off just over 1 month ago, looks ready to leap into oblivion again I am afraid.

[faithisbelieving]

mako...I have no other comment than that I think you are doing great. I think one problem we have here as men...at the outstart..is fear of setting limits out of concern or worry that we will push them away. I can tell you from experience, that is important...VERY IMPORTANT with our W's that don't fully fall under a 'clean' category of WAS....that we set boundaries and adhere to them.

I think you are standing tall. Keep it up. FIB