2 Things

[OpenGuy]

First, DB'ing really worked for my wife. I worked on being in a good mood all the time and never pressuring her for sex. She came around to more sex, but definitely same old, same old. I find myself repulsed by her susceptability to this. I don't know why, but it just didn't work for me. Using the DB strategies really made me lose respect for my wife. Anyone ever feel the same?

I know that part of it is when I tell her my issues, she blows up like a bomb and yells at me until I back down and ask forgiveness. Another part is that she pathologizes everything I say, "you're obsessing, you're depressed, you're *whatever*". Can't I have an opinion and believe that there is no amount of ADs that will make me change my mind?

Second, during our last "fight", she compared me to her rapist(s). I know that she was assaulted as a teenager. I know that a group of guys coerced her to perform sexual favors. She said that when I ask for sex, she feels like she did when they pressured her for sex. Then she felt that she *had* to comply to save her life, now she feels that if she gives in when I pressure (her word) for sex that they win. ????? I know that she never got counselling for this. Can something like this surface after 20+ years? She recently started covering up around me. It's very weird. I don't feel like I can have sex with her right now because if she decided that I was raping her, it could ruin my life, my kids' lives, my community work and my just-about-to-start teaching career.

If this is real, how do I help her get counselling for it? If it's not real, how do I get her to see what a horrible abuse of our marriage it was to say such a thing? Why would I ever want to have sex with someone who sees me that way? Can it ever change?

I've made up a little scenario of what I think I want to say. These things never seem to work out but here goes:
Honey, I was completely floored when you compared me to a rapist. It's not something that I ever expected. I understand that you don't want to feel that way either. I'm certainly going to do my part to keep you from feeling that way again and I want to know when you are feeling that way so we can eliminate what triggered it. I don't think you really got the help you needed when that happened and I think we should look into getting you some help immediately. It's been over twenty years since it happened and it's coming between us fifteen years into our marriage. I think that shows that there are some unresolved issues. I'll support whatever you choose, inpatient, outpatient, family doctor, counseling, whatever, but you need to do this soon.

Thoughts, help, advice?