This is the first weekend (so far) that I have felt like a human being, and it is just 5:40 a.m. I have been down with the Fibro flare-up every weekend for so long until I can't remember the last time I wasn't "down" from Friday-Monday. Also, the fist part of the week I felt bad b/c of sinus, etc., but you know what, I think the past two days I can tell the new antidepression meds are kicking in. Oh, I hope so, b/c this would be the first time I have ever felt any effect from AD meds! If I could feel this normal from now on as I do right now......I guarantee you the ole Sandi would be back!! (And I mean that in a good way!) I am so excited right now that when my H gets up, I'm going to suggest to him that we go celebrate by just getting out of town for a day and go shopping.....eat out.....just look around (that's our idea of celebrating....lol). Oh, Dom, you just don't know how good it feels to just think that maybe, just maybe, I can get back to myself again. I am sitting here with tears of joy b/c now I feel real hope. You see, that was one of my biggest stumbling blocks.....I just couldn't feel "hope" b/c of my depressed state. Between my physical problems and the depression.....I couldn't get my butt in gear! But, if the AD meds are the reason behind the difference that I have felt the last couple of days.....I can deal with the pain of the Fibro and back problems a whole lot better.
I just wanted to tell you and Forrest and all my friends that may read this post that I feel "happy" today for the first time in years....(in spite of problems with grandson).....Sandi....me...I feel happy with hope in my heart today. I could just shout. But it's too early on Saturday morning, so I won't do that.....lol.
Okay....so back to what you were saying in your reply to my last post to you.
Quote:
What is the most dramatic, most extreme, most "I thought he'd get it this time!!" way you have tried to tell him about your needs so far?
The truth of the matter is that I honestly don't remember. All I can think of at the moment was that I tried to communicate it through conversations with him. At times I would be very emotional b/c of the neglect of my needs. He just either did not get it or else he didn't know what to do and apparently, I wasn't getting through with what I needed him to do.
Now, I remember a lot of dramatic things I did to try to meet his needs....lol. But, since we're talking about me, I won't get into all of that now.
Quote:
sounds like you have settled back into yours. I'm glad that things have "calmed down" between you. They could be so much better than that, though.
Yes, you are so correct about that! But as I said in my above statements, if I can continue to feel this way and this little flame of hope can start to flare up some more.....that is going to change. Oh God, but it just feels so wonderful.
However, I still need you and Forrest and anyone else to tell me what you men need in order to get the message across to him. What can I do? I really think he realizes that he failed to meet my needs over the years, but he simply does not know what to do or how to do it. He has not admitted to that fact. He told me that he had not done anything wrong.....this was in our R talk after the OM exposure. He said that he had done the best he knew how and nothing seem to work. So, see how we just can't reach each other? That was what really got to me when he said he had done nothing wrong. He would not own up to any part of the breakdown in our M. It was all my fault. When he said that.....I really gave up having any hope for the future as far as us obtaining a intimate R. As you remember, he always blamed me for not having more sex when we were younger. It was always my fault. When he said what he did in that day, I think I gave up even trying ever again and decided that I would just try to stay in the M for my family's sake and if my H and I could maintain a "comfortable" relationship with each other....then I would "settle" for it. So, you are right on, sweetie!
My H woke up and I stopped what I was doing when he came to the door and saw I was up and on the computer (lol). I immediately got up and went and put my arms around him and told him how I was feeling today. I broke down and was crying and told him how much I hoped this would last and not wear off in a few days. Once several years ago, the doctor tried me on some AD's and it was wonderful for about a week and then it wore off and I was worse than before he gave them to me. Anyway, my H became emotional and was shedding tears of joy!!! He never does that!!
So, miracles still happen? I hope so....and I hope I can come back every day and tell you that it is still happening.
Now I am ready to go to work! So, tell me what to do....lol. However Dom, I can't do the type things like you suggested before when you said to tell him if he done X for me then I could do Z for him. He doesn't opperate that way......not where affection is concerned. To him that is bargining and he wouldn't do it, in fact, he would be offended by the suggestion. But, I will at least listen to what you suggest as to how to get his attention to what my needs are.
Just to see how he reacted to my news this morning was so good. Perhaps now he will feel like trying a little harder on his part of the R too.
Well, I'll talk your ears off later. Have a good weekend, sweetie. I sure plan to do that very thing.
Signed, The New Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi... there are only a few limited ways you can interact with your H when you need someting, generally speaking. hopefully, i will cover all of them:
("I want something...")
I deserve it as a person
I deserve it as your wife
It would make me really happy if...
It would make me really UNhappy if....
I'll give you something, if you give this to me
Pick one of them that you think would most work, and then we can suggest some effective ways to get it across. you may even want to combine them. But maybe you need to pick what you think is the most efective with him. Not the one you'd "like" to use. Not the one that works for YOU. But the one that would be ost meaningful to HIM.
The trouble is, you claim that the last one wont work. It's normally the most effective with me. Are you sure? Why specifically do you think it wont work (give a specific past example?) and what do you mean, "where affection is concerned"? Dont use euphamisms. are we talking feelings, or are we talking physical actions here?
There are also ways to talk about "if you do this, then I will do..." that are not strictly bargaining. I personally think you would be best off using that way.
ie: I know you like to do 10k runs. I know you'd like me to join you with them. I am not physically CAPABLE of running a 10k right now. BUT! IF you are patient with me, and keep me company and help me do a "1k" one day... and then gradually help me do longer ones day by day.... then some day, I will be strong enough to do a 10k with you".
Now, is that "bargaining"? and either way, is it a "bad" thing? I dont think it is. Yet it is still, "you give me 'this', and then I can do 'that' for you".
Last edited by Dom R; 03/08/0802:33 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Well, gee, DomR.......thanks for being so excited for me today!
I just knew you would be happy to hear that I was feeling more like my old self (or maybe I should say my younger self) and share in my happiness, but apparently from the sound of your post, .....well never mind.
Maybe, I was expecting too much. Maybe I was too jacked up from some forign hormone that found its way to my brain through the night. I just though I would share it with my friends and they would be happy for me. It was a glimer of the first light of hope for me in over two years. So, I chose you to share it with first. I expected you to be your usual analytical self, but gee whiz, Dom......you almost sounded like, "Well, here it is again, take it or leave it." So, I guess I will just leave it. I think I have worn you out and I'm sorry. You have spent a lot of time on me.
I couldn't wait to see your response, but I was disappointed when I did. Maybe you are not having a good weekend and if that is the case, I am truly sorry.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
DomR, I tried to go back and edit my last post and I guess they were doing some type of tech work on the board and it wouldn't let me. Anyway, I guess I sounded childish the way I talked. It was another disappointing Saturday. My H had to go with his brother out of town to a relative's funeral. So, then I called my mother to see if she wanted to go somewhere and she didn't. By that time my Fibro was raging and I had to settle down for the day.
However.....I still have more hope today than I had yesterday!
Okay, let me try to tell you why I reacted to your post. I realize that I had said I was ready to go to work and tell me what to do. I have said that before and then you gave me this same advice as quoted here:
Quote:
there are only a few limited ways you can interact with your H when you need someting, generally speaking. hopefully, i will cover all of them:
("I want something...")
I deserve it as a person I deserve it as your wife It would make me really happy if... It would make me really UNhappy if.... 'll give you something, if you give this to me
So, you said there are just a few limited ways that I can interact with my H and you gave me the list. I understood this to mean through the act of "talking" to him. I have done all them and now I remember even doing the last one a long time ago. As I told you in the past....it does not go over with him. It does not go over for me either.
It has been too many years ago, but I did try something a time or two that was along the lines of the last suggestion that you feel works the best. I will do X for you if you will do Z for me. However, as I recall, it seem to cause a very negative response from him when I tried that approach. As I thought about it from my POV, I would not like for him to use that approach with me. Not where affection is concerned. Now when I mentioned that, you seemed shocked that I would mention affection, but when I was over in the SSM forum, that is all you talked about to me. You even gave me the example to tell him that I would sit by him and watch one TV program each night if he would kiss me when I started to leave the house or go to bed. Don't you remember that? You did not use the example that you gave today about the walking...or whatever it was. Now, that I can understand and don't have a problem with it and I have tried that also, but it doesn't seem to get very far with him. He doesn't compromise well....where I am concerned.
I do have a problem when affection is concerned as the example you gave over in the SSM forum. What value is there to a kiss from your H if you have made an agreement to watch TV with him in order to get a kiss? I mean, it feels like a paycheck or a duty required from him. I don't want that. I don't want him to kiss me b/c that was part of the deal or bargin he made with me. Neither does he want me to be in the same room with him, if I don't want to be. What value is that to him?
That was what I was trying to tell you before. I didn't do a good job of it and probably haven't this time. However, I should not have written such a poor post to you.
I assumed from what you and (well, I won't mention names) have said, there were other things to "show" my H what to do instead of "talking"....since that doesn't seem to work. You all keep telling me to do something, but when all is said and done, doesn't it still land on conversation?
I think the last bad R talk we had long years before the OM came on the scene was when I tried to use one of Gary Smalley's techniques of "word pictures". It's too long to tell it all, but he got it....he got the comparrison that I was making in my word picture and he closed himself up tighter and never put his hands on me....in a sexual manner again! So.......so much for that technique!
Well, he has come to tell me about something on TV, so that is my hint that he wants me to watch it with him. So, I will.....and I am not expecting any "payment" for doing it.
Talk later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi I've spent the last coupla hours reading through your threads. I think you've come a long way and I admire your spirit.
I'm currently on the same track you were on 10 years ago so maybe if I divert at the next station, I'll end up at a better place and save myself some heart ache.
I'll be hanging around here and hoping to learn how to do that. At the moment I'm feeling optomistic but that comes and goes with the weather these days.
I haven't read any of the books, I used to be a manic book worm and have a library to rival the best, but along the way I have lost my enthusiasm for books and now dust them more than read them.
Just wanted you to know, you have inspired one other person to reach for a better outcome and make some changes, even though at this stage I'm not sure what they'll be.
I've seen your posts on others threads and liked what I saw coming from you so I decided to go and read some of your threads. I read most of your first thread and some of this one along with the misc posts to others.
I admire your determination to make your m work. I don't begrudge you having your ea but for reasons no doubt now obvious to you I wish you hadn't.
So why am I posting to you? It seems we have similar h's...only differences are you are 60 and I am 35, my h was the one to have the ea and it wasn't on the computer, my h moved out and wanted a d (was not living here for at least 9 months), and my h may be an alchoholic.
I don't know how you mangaged to stay m to your h for as long as you have with no sign of change from him. It's frustrating. I'm still young, my children are still young and all I can think is "is it worth it" especially given the fact that there seems no hope of things getting better than me just accepting that this is the way things are.
If you look at when I became a member of this bb it was 7 years ago while h was gone, with ow and wanting a d. I racked up plenty of posts, used to be a regular. I've come and gone over the years and know that I can't get wrapped up in others sit too much like I used to but do miss the understanding that comes from it. I had plenty of people (still do sometimes) telling me to "do something different" and then offer up a something different that I'd already tried without success or change. I've had plenty of people tell me my happiness was/is in my own hands (yes that's true but my m is not in my own hands that's why there are two people in a m).
I believe in DB but I'm starting to wonder if it really is for everyone. If this idea that every m is worth saving (unless there is physical abuse) and can be saved might just be what is causing me strife and labeling myself a would be was.
I don't know exactly what it is I mean to be saying to you other than to let you know there's someone else here who's benefiting from your honesty about your sit.
I'm here in piecing if you want to take a look...I have had so many threads over the years that I can't find them anymore...they are too old and it would take a new person forever to read through them all anyway.
I'm rushing a bit here... please forgive me. The tone is going to be rather blunt, 'cause I dont have the time today to spend an hour toning down "Dom-speak" into something more gentle
This is a very "solutions-oriented" post from me.
There's a whole lot of things I could suggest that you might try.
however, I dont think any of them will help, if you're not ready to work on your marriage.
Right now... you're not ready to work on your marriage.
But it's not as bad as it sounds. I think that you CAN be, (very quickly even), if you choose to recognize something, and then make a decision on it.
Almost everything that comes up, you respond with "Well, i tried that, it didnt work". But when I ask you for specifics, "you cant remember".
This suggest to me, that what is most getting in the way here, is your remembered feelings about failures of the past, making you not want to try things any more.
This is a really common thing. It happens to most people.. especially people who have been in a marriage for a long time. That is why Michelle writes that an important things in DB'ing, is to "start with a beginner's mind" [or something like that ] Taking a fresh look at things, unbiased by the past, can sometimes lead to wonderful, working solutions, that you might never try if you arent willing to let go of the past.
You have a loong marriage, with lots of mental 'baggage'. To win yourself a fresh marriage with the same man, you need to let the past go, and look at the "NOW". Believe it or not, he is also a different man than he was 30 years ago. Yes, i'm sure you dont believe it. Just play along, and "act as if", okay?
I think that you need to be willing to "start from the top", and methodically try everything, one small thing at a time, and see how your H reacts to it. Start a "solutions journal", perhaps, as other people have.
Maybe write down the things you have tried in the recent past.. with specifics..., over the last 6 months, and your H's positive or negative reactions, to your actions and behaviour. But nothing further back than that. If it's not in the journal... then pretend you have never tried it. Be willing to try it again, and see how your H reacts to it now, not 30 years ago.
Are you willing to start taking little steps, with that foundation?
If yes, then I will talk more about the other stuff you wrote, later.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
PS: i think the rather radical statement from me of "you're not ready to work on your marriage" probably deserves a bit more explaination.
If you wanted to work on your marriage, seems like you would be looking for solutions. Instead, you seems to be more looking for excuses NOT to work on it. So, while you "want" a better marriage... seems like you're not ready to work for a better marriage.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Well DomR, I don't get it. I was so excited and upbeat Sat. morning and you come along and just knock me down cold. Telling me that I am not ready to work on my M simply b/c I can't remember every little detail over the past 42 years. Can you? Do you remember ever conversation, every day, every event. How long were you and your W married? If you can't take my word for what I say, then I won't offer anything else. You say it is all excuses, but how can you sit in judgement? B/c I don't agree with what YOU said works best for YOU......and just b/c I said it did not work well for me and my H.....you say I don't want to work on my M! Ok, that is your opinion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
