Vacillations of a WAW Come Home IV

[sage]

So, I have a couple of things I want to address, and mostly it comes as a result of Charcoal's last post in the WAW Syndrome thread. Her quote that got me is: "he's not letting me forget that he knows what's happened here".

So, Char's quote gets to me because I think I'm getting stuck in the past more than I should rather than looking on how to move forward with the information I now have. Lately things have been pretty rough for me, so I'm trying...but it's not easy... I guess I just need to shift my mind-set. Got to focus on what she is doing, and not what she isn't...

jethro -- Yah, Charcoal's quote got to me too when I read it...yesterday I had a mini-meltdown with h (sadness not anger) and I wondered how/if when that happens he views it as me still being unable to let go of the a. Is that what it is? A lack of forgiveness or just a byproduct of the healing process?

Anyway, sounds like Char's post + your own insights have led you to the right spot -- focusing on the things that w. IS doing. If you can notice and appreciate those, I'm thinking that you will see a positive reaction from w. (patience on that, though!!)

Also, reading Char's last post brought up something else that I just wanted to throw out there, philosophically speaking. The question is "What does it mean to not feel in love?" I tend to wonder if it's possible to feel "in love" with our Ses after being together for a long time. I mean, we always love them, but that "in love" state is, as far as I can tell, simply a heightened sense of euphoria based on some illusion of romantic love (odd coming from a romantic, huh?).

From my situation, it seems to me that WAs experience no feeling (or have deadened feelings), and this seems to drift into other portions of life (such as feelings for children, other family members, and friends). However, they feel most "dead" with us because we are supposed to represent the one in which they are supposed to be in love with...to have the MOST feelings for, in other words... Now that the feelings in general have deadened, our WAs think we represent the biggest hole. And thus, it's time to run and find it elsewhere.

I don't know how to correlate "in love" with the fantasy behavior stuff that I saw between h and ow (emails, etc). I am "in love" with my h. but I think that those feelings became unearthed from under layers of anger and resentment, etc (that even predated finding out about the a.). I think my h's lack of feeling for me (I can't recall now if he ever said he wasn't "in love" with me tho' he certainly said "it has never felt right") was made up of much of the same...it wasn't so much that the feelings weren't there but that they had so much fear and anger and all that crap piled on top that he couldn't feel them.

That DOESN'T mean he's sending me six gushy emails a day however as he did with the ow he was "in love" with. Isn't that infatuation? I don't know. Isn't it possible to feel that heady, I can't wait to see you feeling at this stage? I feel that frequently with h. but as the LBS (so to speak) I feel like I have to temper my excitement and "in loveness" with some reservation and guardedness...At least in the beginning (and apparently for sometime into it...) DB'ing isn't conducive to that "in love" feeling...I get the sense you have to get to a "breakthru" point to allow yourself to get back there.

Not sure I even answered your question now but I sure did use a lot of words in the process.

Sage