Sandi's Here in Piecing from Almost WAW

[Dom R]

heya Sandi...

I'm rushing a bit here... please forgive me. The tone is going to be rather blunt, 'cause I dont have the time today to spend an hour toning down "Dom-speak" into something more gentle

This is a very "solutions-oriented" post from me.



There's a whole lot of things I could suggest that you might try.

however, I dont think any of them will help, if you're not ready to work on your marriage.

Right now... you're not ready to work on your marriage.

But it's not as bad as it sounds. I think that you CAN be, (very quickly even), if you choose to recognize something, and then make a decision on it.

Almost everything that comes up, you respond with "Well, i tried that, it didnt work". But when I ask you for specifics, "you cant remember".

This suggest to me, that what is most getting in the way here, is your remembered feelings about failures of the past, making you not want to try things any more.

This is a really common thing. It happens to most people.. especially people who have been in a marriage for a long time.
That is why Michelle writes that an important things in DB'ing, is to "start with a beginner's mind" [or something like that ]
Taking a fresh look at things, unbiased by the past, can sometimes lead to wonderful, working solutions, that you might never try if you arent willing to let go of the past.

You have a loong marriage, with lots of mental 'baggage'. To win yourself a fresh marriage with the same man, you need to let the past go, and look at the "NOW".
Believe it or not, he is also a different man than he was 30 years ago. Yes, i'm sure you dont believe it. Just play along, and "act as if", okay?

I think that you need to be willing to "start from the top", and methodically try everything, one small thing at a time, and see how your H reacts to it. Start a "solutions journal", perhaps, as other people have.

Maybe write down the things you have tried in the recent past.. with specifics..., over the last 6 months, and your H's positive or negative reactions, to your actions and behaviour. But nothing further back than that.
If it's not in the journal... then pretend you have never tried it. Be willing to try it again, and see how your H reacts to it now, not 30 years ago.

Are you willing to start taking little steps, with that foundation?

If yes, then I will talk more about the other stuff you wrote, later.