Thanks Grace. I feel I am doing about as well as I can given the situation. I did get sick last night and called H to let him know that if it continued throughout the night I'd take him up on his offer of help. He said no problem and that he'd come by at 7am to help out this morning. I didn't need to call him and he was here bright and early. It was nice, he got the kids all ready for school and I got to sleep in a bit.
On the flip side, I really saw this morning just how disconnected he is from me emotionally. Realizing that we LBS probably over-analyze things, he didn't come up to see how I was for quite a while. Perhaps he was letting me sleep, but it still was noticeable to me because my old H would have shown a lot more concern. When he did come in, there was some concern there, but only a small rub on the shoulder and then it was off to wake the kids. No "can I get you anything?" from him, but both of the kids asked me at least.
I hear you on the looks and sayings from the kids. At dinner on Saturday, my son very calmly says, "I wish Dad was here at dinner with us." and I responded "Well, hon, you better get used to it because this is how it's going to be from now on." and he said, "I don't have to get used to it, I don't want to get used to it. I want my Dad to not live somewhere else." He's 5. How can you respond but with a hug and telling him that daddy and I both love him? grrrr. He's the one who chose this, he's the one who should have to deal with this, not me.
But, that's not reality and I'm trying my best to live in the reality.
I realize that I am doing better because I'm beginning to see how I can do this without him. I'm seeing more of his bad side since I'm not cloaked in this veil of desperation. He's a good guy, don't get me wrong, but I'm beginning to think that maybe he doesn't deserve me. Maybe he doesn't deserve the family that he so wanted. Yet above all, I still believe in my vows, I still believe in the possibility of our future and I still believe that my kids deserve an intact, not broken, family.
I hate this.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
