I know now is the wrong time to discuss matters - and I'm not going to.
Do you feel it is the wrong time. If you want to talk about it and you think it would help and would actually diffuse how you feel then I think you should tell him that.
Throughout all that has happened I have always felt you wanted the truth and answers and that it was the lying and deceit that has hurt you. If that is the case you need to tell him that.
Personally I think he is very niave if he didn't think you were going to be pretty angry in the beginning. He needs to realise that by continuing to avoid you and by covering things up he makes them worse in the long run.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
My first reaction is amazement that your H is trying to at least make it civil for you. My H would never send that email to me, ever, in a million years. Heck, your H owned up to what he did, doesn't want to make it miserable for you, and wants to basically be your friend for the kids sake. That is fantastic.
Did he lie, cheat, humiliate, degrade, yell, and everything in between? Does he still 'want' the D? Yes to all of that, but this is the stuff that isn't permanent. There is eventually forgiveness and possibly him turning around...
My advice (and PLEASE, I am no professional) is to send a short email back with something like:
"I understand now why you think I was 'shoving' you out of the house and slamming the door. That was not my intention. We are in different roles now and I am still getting used to them. I was nervous today.
Of course, I still care about you and want this to go as smoothly as possible for the kids sake. But you have to know I am struggling as I don't want this for us. I won't stop it, but don't want it."
This is just my gut. Wait to use my advice, I am sure you'll get better advice!!!
lwb gives out pretty good advice. Most people on these boards want to be her when they grow up Eve.
I'd still put something in there about wanting him to talk and let you know exactly what happened in the not too distant future if that is what you want.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
no matter what you do H will find fault with you. It makes him feel not so low down dirty. You deserve this treatment, you are rotten too..... doesn't matter.
What matters is that you not allow him to get to you while you are healing. I get that you did not mean it, that's cool.
You and I think he should give you some time for appearent bad behavior in view of his deeds, but they don't see it that way.
He is trying to push your buttons. He seems to be threatning D. Don't let it get to you. He will swing back and forth like a pendulum . The key to getting any information into H brain is to get to the point, with a brevity of words.
If you send anything back just, " I was nervous".,
No other words.
Let him pursue you.
Heal, heal , it is about you. It can be about him another week.
Not now.
As few words as possible till you feel stronger.
No guilt either. You are human and allowances will be made by everyone who cares about you for unintentional bad behavior. UN intentional, as the door bit was.
These events have no bearing on the future. I am sure of that. There are plenty of folks here that have experience with lots of badly behaving men and women who get a second chance at a marriage with them. No guarentees mind you, but thes days have no bearing on the outcome. YOu are allowed to make mistakes.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
another trick that I would like to share with you is finding statements that H can not correct, twist or complain about.
Use "I statements"..
Even better, use "I feel" statements.
No one can argue with your feelings. They are yours. They do not ask for anything just sharing insight into what is going on in your head.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
know I'll be a bitter person if i don't get some honest answers. BUT equally i agree with Holly, I don't want to get into a tit for tat, i am really not strong enough, i am very raw.
He seems very defensive and very niave. He should be giving my behaviour the benefit of the doubt, considering the blow that has just been dealt and especially how i found out, but he just doesn’t get it. He is so selfish, it’s as if its all about him.
lwb - i'm not surprised by his email AT ALL, his biggest problem is lack of communication and he will run from all confrontation. ''He won't discuss matters'' is just typical of him. He doesn't want to and I do want to and he knows that, I asked him yesterday to dispel the gossip and be honest with me, I hate him right now, so anything I find out will not make him a better person in my eyes right now. It would be better in the long run for me if he was open now, what does he have to lose?.
Holly - he is trying to push my buttons, if past behaviour is anything to go on, he will not leave me alone now, he will find an excuse to contact me, be it boys, business, whatever.
D has never been mentioned either, do you really think thats what he wants, but isn't able to ask, he's probably waiting for me to say i will divorce him, but i wont do that. Also, on Friday he said i could have the business, the equity, everything and now he wants half of everything we worked hard for ‘at the cost of our marriage’.
Thanks Holly, i will try to remember the 'i feel' sentance.
x Eve
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
I'm no expert, but to me your H sounds highly defensive. he KNOWS he's been a sh*t and he KNOWS he has done wrong, so he is EXPECTING the punishment.
It looks a bit like projecting - he is expecting you to punish him cos he realises he is in the wrong. He probably feels himself he should be "punished" and is looking for that to come from you. When a WAS is projecting, try substituting "I" for "you". For example "you think I'm worthless" becomes "I think I'm worthless" and then you're closer to the truth.
In him trying to tell you what you think of him he is showing what he thinks of himself. Sure on the surface he may have no remorse, but for a guy who wanted to be the family man, the provider, to walk away from his family has got to hit him in the guts.
I agree too he's probably wanting you to suggest the D so he doesn't have to ... so he doesn't have to be the bad guy yet again.
But someday he has to own his own behaviour, own his feelings. People often say things like "you make me feel angry" when really they choose to react in an angry manner. They look to blame their own failings on external factors. An extreme example of this was Hitler. he tried to be an artist, but in fact wasn't very good. But he blamed his failure on a conspiracy, rather than just accept he didn't have the talent. When people accept themselves and make peace with who they are then peace will follow them.
Your H is far from this. He's fudged up big time and he knows it. He can blame whoever he wants .. you, his job, money worries, the moon being in the 7th house and Jupiter alligning with Mars if he wants to ... but at the end of the day he had choices and he chose badly.
You are in the firing line cos you happen to be nice and near. I'm not sure on the best course of action ... when someone is defensive to an extreme it can sometimes be the case that whatever you say is taken the wrong way. Tricky.
You are in my thoughts, have been all day. I've emailled you some pigtures ... have a look and take a few minuttes break from the crazy ... and that reminds me of something someone said here .."don't own their crazy". To me, it said yes the WAS is acting nuts, saying all sorts of weird sheet, but you don't have to buy into it.
Eve - I may be off the truth ... I have had a couple of large glasses of a rather nice Pignot Grigio ... try what I've said for size and see what you think. And most of all, take it easy. You don't deserve this.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I think it unnecessary for your H to tell your S1 that 'mommy slammed the door in my face'. Sounds like he's trying to deflect some of the blame from him, and put it on you.
Have no real advice, except to say that I am sorry you find yourself in this sitch. It really sucks! Just try and deal with him calmly, but make sure your protect yourself financially, and keep you boundaries in place.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
