OT, jeez, I'm just so impulsive sometimes and can't stand to hear all his BS. Something was telling me not to tell him all I had, I do have more stuff on him that i didn't tell him, but still I prob said too much. I hear what you say about the A, I'll def keep that in mind.
He does have email, I will suggest this from now on. It is a blessing now that I dont' have txt msging features on my phone (changed of plans to be off his), so now he doesnt' get to txt me at all hrs and push his agenda on me. I'll call a L on monday before we make the appt with the mediator.
I told my sister tonight, she was the only one from my inmediate who knew he'd left before and her best advice back then was not to cry or be sad, bless her heart, she had no idea I cried at work/home morn and night, so I never told her anything else, nor now. I gave her a very diluted sans-A/ow version of why we are separated, about 10% of what happened, she was livid still. So, I will be telling them Sunday, and will tell my sweet little boy on Monday, *sight* , hope there is a tear in the fabric of time and we are transported to 2mths from now when mediation is over.
Will try to have a good weekend, lots planned, the show must go on.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, sorry to hear your recent news. Stay calm, look after you, NO R talk at all! No blaming, no impulsive responses to his words, and as OT said DON'T agree to anything without your lawyer in on it. It's a tough go, I just went through it. What I tried to focus on was keeping things civil so that we can raise our children together as best we can. Together or apart you will always be parents and kids do best when separated parents get along. Keep us updated. You're on my prayer list.
thanks wii I do want the best for the kids above all, and thank you so much for your prayers, it really means a lot to me. We just talked briefly, he was telling me about an arrest he made, we talked about him picking up children tomorrow and he brought up that subject again (putting in writing the date he left) he calmy stated he still didnt' understand how it could hurt me. I calmy told him that I got his point, that I hear him, that I want to make sure it doestn' hurt me in any way, that I needed to do things in a way that are comfortable for me. He started to push a bit and I gently told him again to not insist, that I needed to do things on my timing, that I had heard him. We ended the convo like human beins for a change, and tomorrow I'll give him the list of the mediators I've found. After calling 6, getting back from 5 and only 2 looking good i still want to look some more, but honestly don't know where else. One of them charges 250 per hr but garantees a total of 3 or 4hrs max of mediation, he is also a lawyer w/30yrs of experience, his drafting of the contract is expensive though. THere is another group of mediators, they charge 165 but will take longer, and supposing they only take 4hs they'd b about 400 cheaper than the other guy.
Well, i put this decision in God's hands, hope we choose the best, I really did try to get the best mediator possible.
Funny thing, I just came from my cousin's, she has a karaoke machine (ok ok, snicker all you want :P ) and there were all these love songs, betrayal and loss ubber romantic songs. And they did nothing for me, a while ago my heart ache while listening to that kind of music, but now nothing, i think my romantic love bone for him is really broken for good...
Good thing too.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I haven't read all the posts on this thread and I will have to catch up. But first, a few thoughts on your D...
My H and I went to a mediator. The benefits of a mediator is the cost - of course. If you believe that you and your H can resolve your issues in a reasonable manner, the mediatior is the way to go. That doesn't mean you'll agree to everything. That is what hte mediator is for. To guide the discussion and tell you both what is reasonable and what is not.
That said, you should probably have your own L as well. You should have someone who is representing your best interest and helping you know what to ask for/insist on, etc.. in mediation.
When my H and I were in mediation, we by no means agree on everything. But we did agree on a lot. And it may have taken another session or two, but both my L and the medaitor thought we could eventually find a way to resolve the issues out of court. My point is, just because you use a medaitor, it doesn't mean you'll agree on everything right off the bat.
Now, as for him wanting to rush the D, I have a theory on this, too. He is a complete mess. He has made a mess of his life. He has no idea what he wants. He is miserable. At this point, he is sure he's past the point of no return in the M. He's messed up too much. SO, now he is saying that it was never a good M to beging with (I went through ALL this with my H -- in fact, after the first time my H came home and left, he said he'll never come back again because now he knew what he wanted).
Anyway, your H is now at a point, IMO, where he wants the M to be over and done with. He wants this D so badly because he feels it will set him free.. give him peace and happiness. Remember, he is living a very dark life right now. He is looking for the light, and he thinks the D will bring that. What he doesn't know is that once the D is over, he'll still be searching for the light. Becuase the light only comes from within him.
Now, you on the other hand... I belive that the D could give some light. You are already grounded and at peace within. The D will be difficult for you becuase you will mourn the loss of your M, but since you have inner peace and strength, you'll be able to heal and see the good in life. YOur H, sad to say, is not in the same place. He is still looking for external factors to give him happiness. He is not looking inside.
Okay, done with the rant now. I miss you over in piecing, but I understand your need to move on. So, i'll come see you here!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
hey sweets))))))))) thanks so much for you much appreciated support)))))))))) I was feelign pretty insulted by the speed he's taken about the D, such a rush. But he is like that, impulsive and wants thigns down now, even perhaps before he changes his mind again, wanting to sweep it under the rug
Quote:
he feels it will set him free..
That's all he's been doing for the past years, finding ways to quell his unhappiness.
I was GAL all weekend but felt this powerful sadness all of a sudden, it's even worse if the day is beautiful because I get this joy in my heart to have a great day and I realize I'll now have to do it without him. That perhaps he's havign a great ol' time with ow. Yes,l've said I feel differently towards him, and I do, while I thought he lived far away without her. But now I realize that he could be with her and that primitive feeling of being jelous rises up. ARGHHH!!! HE still maintains she wants nothing with him, though he was trying to contact her a while ago still (I can hear him now "i'm *really* getting a D for real now!" I now remember he told me she said to him not to contact her while he was still M. Well, guess all is not lost for them. Found a receipt yesterday on a bag he left here, of a store near her home where he only shops when he's w/her, it is totally out of his way from work/appt and it was a workday, he had no business beign there, which means he prob is even spending the night there.
IT HURTS, damn it, im angry that it hurts, I shouldn't care anymore, they are both worthless, ow tried to mess with his job ,friends, insulted the kids, is/was pretty much a paid whore and STILL!!!! It makes me feel worthless, that he'd prefer to be with someone like that, as if I wastn' his w of 10 yrs, all that down the gutter. While still w/me he'd confessed how disgusted he was she was whoring herself but still angry and hurt that she was doing that, he didnt' say it, but prob felt jelous.
Not a good weekend, still feeling pretty down, work will be heck this week, but I will fit in a visit to a L before mediation.
Putting one foot in front of the other, that's the best I can do today.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
IT HURTS, damn it, im angry that it hurts, I shouldn't care anymore, they are both worthless, ow tried to mess with his job ,friends, insulted the kids, is/was pretty much a paid whore and STILL!!!! It makes me feel worthless, that he'd prefer to be with someone like that, as if I wastn' his w of 10 yrs, all that down the gutter. While still w/me he'd confessed how disgusted he was she was whoring herself but still angry and hurt that she was doing that, he didnt' say it, but prob felt jelous.
I feel for you Cat. Trust me though, it doesn't matter if she is a yucky toothless Ho or a pretty, talented PhD professor at Yale--it hurts all the same. It's not about us my dear or the ow, it's about them...our stupid-head husbands (or exH's). We are worth way more than being cheated on, whether it be for a young model, a hairy troll, a brilliant scholar--makes no difference. A cheater is a messed up dude who has a messed up moral compass and who is likely to continue to cheat until he decides he doesn't want to be such a slime bag anymore. I have come to the conclusion that my own particular stupid-head did me a favor when he left.
Sorry you are in pain, but I bet you are going to feel better soon--especially because you are doing things for yourself. I went to the gym yesterday--had to drag myself over there of course, but afterwards it felt so good. Keep doing good and nurturing things for yourself. Something as simple as cooking a wholesome meal for you and the kids is such a pick-me up.
sorry, mini hijack AG, I know you are not a D attorney but I wanted to ask you something. I will be talking to a D lawyer later on this week, but H wanted to know if I could give him today (well, he's been asking for this since last week) a piece of paper that states he left by mutual agreement on the day he actually left so that I dont' accuse him of abandonment further down the line.
Would that hurt me in any way?
Cat, I read this on AG's thread and I have a gut reaction to urge you to stop protecting this man. He is trying to manipulate you the way he has always done. You need to focus on protecting yourself and your children so please do not sign anything or agree to anything to "help" him.
He wants to have this experience without consequences and though it is not up to you to inflict consequences, there simply ARE consequences to his choices and he will experience them. Don't baby him.
When he asks you these things (and I suspect this won't be the last such "request", tell him something vague like "I'll have to think about that" or "I'll have to consult my L" or whatever. Could be that is enough to make him stop asking. You need to nip these manipulative behaviors in the bud and begin to change the pattern that has caused you such heartache.
thanks AG, he has been asking for this, telling me Imust be up to something if I dont' want to simply estate he didnt' abandon the home, even if things go wrong I won't lie and say he did, I'll with what I have. He was a jerk yesterday, threatening me with getting a lawyer to make me sign such a paper, I told him to go ahead, I wasn't afraid. He gave me until today, he said that he is only defending himself legally and that if I dont' give him the paper that he'll assume the worst and that he'll just have to get a L and have me serve.
I'm not afraid of him, however, if I can avoid a court battle by just giving him a single sheet that says "x left on Jan. 18 by mutual agreement" I 'd like to do that.
Just contacted some L's over email, I can't make phone calls from work so that makes it harder.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I do want the best for the kids above all, and thank you so much for your prayers, it really means a lot to me.