Quoting Char:"honey? i know this might make you mad or something, and I'm sorry, but i just wanted you to know that you hanging out with other single dudes makes me uncomfortable and afraid. you don't have to say anything now, and i'd even appreciate it if you took some time to think about it and maybe get back to me about it later, if you want. no pressure, k? just needed to tell you. oh, and another thing, could you pick me up some laundry detergent next time you go to the store??"
Well, I kind of approached her the first time this way. I started with the I don't want to upset you thing, but didn't give her the opportunity to think about it and come back to me later. Perhaps I'll try this next time. Thing is, her immediate response, which is a repetition here, is that she will NEVER do this again. Frankly, I just can't believe that. If one puts themselves in certain situations, the possibility exists.
So, Char, that was my first approach and the conversation quickly died because of what she said. Then, I brought it up again a day later or so. She was absolutely livid, and I really couldn't tell you why. I guess she thought we were done with the subject, that I trusted her to make her own decisions, and that was that. She was so angry she didn't even want to talk to me. This response concerned me because the strength of it almost suggests something...but I don't want to go there as I'm just making assumptions. Thing is, she finally calmed down and we were able to talk about it, but she still took on a somewhat defiant stance.
You see, I think there's a dynamic working here (of which I just recently read in a book) that may be the cause. She is an only-child, was doted on, and almost smothered by her folks. I, on the other hand, had the opposite experience. I was the child (one of three) of a D. My folks were so wrapped up in their own dramas that I didn't get much attention. So, the dynamic here is that she tends to feel smothered easily because she was by her folks, and I tend to want to be smothered because I didn't have it so much growing up. As a result, she interprets my bringing up being uncomfortable and not wanting her to go over to divorcee's house as "controlling." The controlling thing is BS in this case, but it's the dynamic nonetheless.
Quoting SBH-SAM:But, some if it you have to leave up to her to discover. In terms of understanding how she puts herself in places where boundaries can get blurred. BUT, do not stop letting her know, in your best DBing ways, the things she does that worry you. Sounds like you're doing that pretty well, and maybe need to do it a little more often?
Perhaps you are right, SBH-SAM, that I need to both give her space to make her own decisions, but also voice my concerns. Thing is, if she behaves as she has in the past, she will still do what she wants. Admittedly, she's looking after my needs more these days, so hopefully this won't happen.
Tonight will tell, however. She usually goes over to divorcee's on Wednesday night and "BF" pays his visit. She hasn't asked/told me yet that she is going, but the day is still young. Guess I'll wait and see...
