I've been reading here, trying to find a situation similar to mine to no avail so I am posting to hopefully get some help for my dilemma.
H and I have been married for 12 years, 3 children (10, 8, 5 years old). We've never had the world's most passionate sex life but it was at its best when I have been the initiator such as when my hormones kicked into overdrive when I was pregnant with my son or if I've been drinking and come on to him (I'm not a big drinker so this is infrequent). The problem is that I am not "naturally" an initiator, and take some time to get in the mood (like the average woman probably). I have done things like gotten myself "aroused" so that I could come on to him and he'd be receptive but I really crave him coming on to me. We have had many conversations about this and he agrees to initiate more but then it always ends up eventually to how it was. Our sex life has been pretty infrequent, averaging 2 to 3 times per month yet my husband mb's (masturbates) every 1-2 days. When he does seem to want sex with me occurs on average every week and a half. He will show his interest by sucking up to me or actually saying that he wants sex. This would be more palatable if he had a low drive but, like I said, he mb's like the average mans drive. It makes me feel like I'm sort of the last resort after the hand gets old and I'm left feeling inadequate, unattractive and undesirable. When I have confronted him about this he gets defensive and sometimes angry and tells me that he "does love having sex with me" He is a major conflict avoider so I doubt that he would even tell me what the problem is if there is one.
I am very attractive, in good shape, work out a lot, good hygiene. I get a lot of attention from men yet my own husband doesn't appear interested in me.
Our recent dry stretch has been a last straw for me. He now wants sex. But there has been nothing for three weeks now. Yet he won't deny that he's been mb'ing every day or two. He has given me a bunch of excuses when I asked him such as he's been "busy", yet he's spent hours watching news coverage, "sick" , which was true for 3 days (not 3 weeks), "kids were sick" (true for a couple of days but I take care of them for the most part and they go to sleep at 8:30, we're up til 10 or 11 pm), etc. with more excuses.
I don't want to go back to our old sex life so I decided to do what he does, mb to satisfy myself instead of going to him. He doesn't like this one bit. but I've simply had it. I feel an almost physical repulsion to going back to what was "normal" for us. I told him that until he can be proactive in making a better sex life I would not be having sex with him(up to now all positive changes have been my responsibility). Help! I don't want to go back to what we had before but I don't want a sexless marriage either. Do I have to resign myself to a life of little to no sex? Working things out with a conflict avoider is nearly impossible. Can anyone help me?
