Here I am back in infidelity. Was previously in Piecing.
Brief overview: W suddenly moved out in October. Went to C a few times but wasn't too into it, very distant. In December, found out she'd had an A - she said it started as PA and then they stopped and it was EA. We went to another counselor who shook things up and caused her to question things. We came very close to reconciliation in Jan, but she wouldn't take the final step.
Couple of back and forths of her asking for D and then feeling lonely. I asked for a decision whether she'd work on M or not. On 2/14 she said "no". I told her R was over, including friendship, then left for vacation. She left multiple emails/voicemails asking to reconcile.
I let her stay in house and first night she got cold feet. Next 2 weeks were fine, but a little strained - some good nights, some bad. She wouldn't talk. Then she had a really bad day, arguing with me about everything. Next day she moved the rest of her stuff in, then decided to move out. Kept packing and unpacking. Asked herself what was wrong with her, said I was a wonderful person, said she needed professional help and was going to C - could we talk after that. Also admitted she was still in EA and couldn't get past those feelings.
On 3/7 she asked if I'd wait 6 months for her to try things with OM and see if the A fizzled or not. I said I was confused and had to think. She said she cared for me deeply but couldn't get past that she had no feelings for me but did for OM. Thought she had changed and he was better for her. Said we should start separating our things. I agreed and said we could work on friendship. She said she wanted that very much. I also thanked her for her honesty and asked to continue in that vein. She agreed.
After thinking about it, I realized that my boundary had been crossed. I called her and said I realized she needed to work out feelings for OM. I thought we could work on M, but only if she allowed me to fulfill some of her needs rather than shut me out. I said I thought we could work through this. She said she didn't think so. So I said we should get D. She quickly agreed.
I'm feeling very hurt right now and don't know what to do. Obviously this is not good DBing, but I felt like I had to make a stand at some point, for my own integrity. I also found out that her and OM will be working together off and on for 4 months and intimately for 2 months in an isolated location. It was at that point I realized "what are my realistic expectations about outcompeting him?" She enjoys his emotional attachment, his companionship, and his focus. She only has an occasional dinner with me - while they're relaxed, they don't compare and I don't see how we can build anything new on them.
I don't think I made it clear enough that I was asking for D because a boundary had been crossed and I will need to be clearer in my communications in the future. Since she has so recently been so conflicted, I will still be a friend and shine a light back to our M, but otherwise I'm detaching and taking care of myself.
Don't know if I've done the right thing and feel so hurt that she's shut down completely to our M and refuses all attempts to make things better. We still talk and relate in a relaxed and friendly manner - she just shuts down regarding R.
