FLTC, even when you're separated the message remains the same, you just have to put up with it less often! I had this fantasy that when we separated she would be less angry and lighten up a little, maybe we might actually get along and be able to respect each other. I was wrong. I still find it hard when confronted with the coldness and lack of basic human courtesies, it still does hurt but I can't change her, noone can. I have to now try to recognize that it is her that has the problem, it is not my inadaquacies as a H or man that forces her to be who she is. Again in abusive situations even when you know in your head that you are worthy down inside those voices are still nagging at you "you're not good enough" blah blah blah because that's what the abuser force feeds you for years! My job, and probably yours too, is to do a little search and destroy mission by looking inside, find those little demons and oust them! I won't be able to have a healthy R with anyone else until I do so, not that I'm planning one at this point but one day, who knows. Just to add, I think I've done an incredible job at keeping my self esteem at the level it is by GAL, discovering my talents and skills, making friendships and finding places to belong and be accepted. A friend of mine always said "I don't know how you have even a shred of self esteem left after what you've been through!" I too can't imagine where I'd be if I hadn't taken the DB approach to this, but despite what I've done there's still damage that needs to be repaired. I picked up a book on verbal abuse and was pleased to read that much of what I should be doing I am doing!
