Ok, I am back! What I was trying to figure out was where was the disaster? You know me by now... You know we are all here to support you, right?
Listen, this is just me and I maybe completely off (you see where my marriage is at the moment so you know I am not good at this...)(liability claims not accepted).
You give him a lot of power. You are letting him play with your feelings with a free pass. You are not PROTECTING you. You have a good PMA most of the times but it is still so fragile you let him drag you down in a sec. When I say no expectations I don't mean that, deep down inside I don't want my H to act differently, it means to me that although I do want him to treat me differently I KNOW he will NOT. So where does that leave me? I cann't get easily distracted. I can keep my "line flat", most of the times (you know, you have been reading me). And consequently I have better judgement capabilities and I keep CALM.
You got upset because you expected him to show remorse, guilt, what? And what if he did but still wanted to go ahead with the plan of the Easter arrangements? What difference would that make for you? Our men decided for whatever reason to leave. They will act accordingly. I realise the fact you guys are ML is confusing BUT it's your choice as much as it is his. If you thought you would get him to think twice, affect him somehow, you know by now you don't. So, what do you do? (as much as I hate actually saying this).
Detach. You know the horses that have the eye pads so that they can only see the road straight ahead? Think of yourself as one. What straight ahead is, you should figure it out. Is it him and your family? Then focus on that and make strategic choices and decisions. As Ali said once, it all feels so unnatural but I add the prize will feel worth of the efforts.
W2, I am trying so hard everyday, it gets easier though. I get used to it. He has no rights on me and my mental state unless I give them to him. Of course it took many many months while still living together and as I mentioned he is good NOT playing with my head and feelings. He is very careful.
So goals: allow him NOT to make you miserable again, you can f$^ck your head up on your own if you need to,(my only fear right now is me and my dramas), don't need his help.
I love your idea about the PWP. GREAT IDEA, I would join if they had one here.
Forget Easter, what did you expect? The guy is thinking of how to get away right now, not of how to come to you... Just MUTE him everytime he says something that hurts. You can do it!
Enjoy Easter, it is just a day, you know what I did for Christmas? I was thinking this is the last worst Christmas I will ever have...(in the begining I thought i wasn't surviving Christmas). Guess who had a terrible time and TOLD me afterwards, not me...
Listen, me & you (and Liz & Ali, & Lisa)(it's getting crowded here) in the end, we still have Woog...(smiled?)
No I'm here.. nothing is going on.. I am curious to know your thoughts on something though. My H is trying to include me more in his life.. through discussions about his work etc.. I validate and try to be very affirming.. How do I go about setting up some distance or boundaries without him reverting back to how he was previously when he barely spoke to me and shared nothing with me?? And I guess I'm wondering is it a positive step that he has been talking to me and asking my opinion about work and creative ideas?
He's also wanting to help me out with my work situation. I am just about to be severanced at work (which I'm happy about) and he wants to help me sort out my job direction future.. he said that he feels he can really help me with sorting through it all because he knows me better than anyone else does.
I am glad you are ok. Re your question. Can you treat him the way you would treat a friend that offered you help? Communication re innocent issues for me is a positive as long as it doesn't pressure you in anyway. You are the one we are looking after here. Don't think of these discussions as a substitute of anything else. Just discussion about work with a good friend. How does that sound? I really dont know. We are all facing pretty much the same problems but we are all so different... I wish I could help effectively...
he feels he can really help me with sorting through it all because he knows me better than anyone else does.
Does he, W2G? Could you try and prove to him he doesn't know you at all and it will take him a lifetime to get to know you just a little bit ?
Now how to "use the positive step to help you keep up the good work you've been doing without having any expectations".
Here is my pretending game (bottled up :)).
I am living "as if" I was never married. I have a nice job, nice (well, sort of) house, beautiful and successful D and 2 lovable pets. And I am happy. I am in peace. Now there is this Guy. I don't really know him but I think he's nice and I like the way he talks to me on the phone and I also think he's handsome. Recently he started to pay some attention to me.I never call him, he is always the one to call. I like it, of course, and I flirt back a little bit but I don't really know if I want him in my quiet and pleasant life. I must admit that it brightens my day to think of his advances but I'm not going out of my way to do anyththing about it. In any case, not until he makes it clear what's on his mind.
And so it goes - every positive sign, every baby step is a just pleasant addition to my pleasant (it's a pretending game, remember?) life. And it doesn't have much effect on my emotional well-being if there is none...
Actually, I start believing it myself!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Hey W2G..I think thats its a very positive step that your H is including you in his work discussions! So is that a 180 for him? And if so, there must be a reason why he is doing it, perhaps he found it hard to talk to you about that stuff before, but needed to? And now he feels he can? What do you think?
Can you not accept these conversations and give him what he needs? Or have I misunderstood your question? For example, my BF suggested firmly that he sort out the mortgage in January, I was very surprised as he had always allowed me to do the finances (said I was better at it). I wasnt happy as I didnt think he would manage it (and its March and he still hasnt done it!) but I said "Sure! No problem" becuase I suspected it was an issue to him to take more responsibility for things. So I allowed him to. If that helps?
I personally dont think you need to erect boundaries to him about this, he has done enough boundary/wall building by himself and really, if you are still ML (and I am still jealous!!) then the boundaries about other stuff you put up are perhaps immaterial? I would be there for any contact he cares to bestow on you! (My BF has also mainly "downloaded" about work since he left, sometimes its a little dull, but at least I get to soak up the sight of him whilst he is there doing it!! So I am grateful) At least he is communicating with you.
As for goals, I struggled with this..but came up with 10 in my last thread! They were a mixture of stuff about us and stuff about me and a couple of mad dreams thrown in.
As Kalni says, try not to dwell on Easter. Christmas was hard on all of us it seems, it was the worst christmas I ever had. I also vowed to have the best christmas ever next year.
Thinking of you! We all are in the same leaky boat it seems, trying to pump the bilge :-)
I think the advice from stella about living life as if could be a great help to you. Try to focus on the positive things in your life. You don't need him. If there is a positive interaction that is a good thing. If there is a negative one then blow it off, because you don't need him.
he feels he can really help me with sorting through it all because he knows me better than anyone else does.
Does he, W2G? Could you try and prove to him he doesn't know you at all and it will take him a lifetime to get to know you just a little bit ?
Stella is right. My H thinks he knows me "like the back of his hand" and I'm trying to show him that he don't know jack about me. I'm struggling to be who I want to be and at the same time surprise the heck out of him and prove him wrong.
What are some ways that you can show him that he doesn't know you as well as he thinks he does?
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I'm not sure how I can convince him he doesn't know me at all.. because the truth is although I am trying to change he in fact is the person that knows me the best.. I'll have to think on this some more.
Question for all of you, and I know I'm not supposed to dissect the things that he says.. but why does he always talk future stuff with me. There is a small possibility that he may have to go to Spain at the end of this year.. and he said that he'll have Demi and I come to see him since he'll be there for a month and he doesn't want to go that long without seeing us.. Is this just a gesture so that he can see D2? And since I'm her Mommy I need to come as well? He also was talking about his season tickets for soccer... and says things like we'll go see a few games.. and that he had tried to get an extra seat for D2 but wasn't able to.. so maybe next year.. All really weird stuff. I'm no longer looking at it as something to get my hopes up on.. because he says stuff like this ALL OF THE TIME.. and then like Saturday also says the crap that hurts. What I don't understand and probably never will is WHY he says it at all. He's all over the place.. unless he truly thinks he's inviting me to these things just to be friendly... or that maybe he's just making conversation and really has no intention to actually do the things he says????
I guess I'll never know.. but wanted to vent about it anyway!
That is a very good question W2G. I have had similar questions in the past and still some lingering today. I think the difference is that I am becoming a veteran at this and I don't pay too much attention to it anymore. The negative me says we are not supposed to pay attention to what they say and do (from DB book). However, when the things that are said are positive we tend to latch to them and get our expectations up. From what you write here, I would be encouraged but your H has also said some other things which don't inspire confidence. One of the things I have noticed is we all have our antenas up and try to make sense of the things we see and hear from our WASs. If only my antena was activated prior to the bomb...perhaps I would not be in the situation I am in today. Hopefully in my next R (with my W or somebody else) I will be able to listen more without getting aggravated or judging. I think I am a much better H, father and person today and that is something we should all strive for. The rest hopefully will work itself out. I am pulling for you.
