Hi, Jethro...thanks for the words of encouragement!
I'll give you a little different perspective on the w+divorcee issue...
I agree with you that this is potentially a setup for another affair/cheating/whateveryouwanttocallit...Difficult for me to admit for myself, but the truth is, those of us who broke boundaries did so because we didn't know how to keep good ones in the first place. Part of keeping good boundaries is not being in the wrong place, at any time...
Hanging out with a divorcee and her "boyfriend" does not strike me as a good place for a married woman with children. I agree with Floyd about the intricacies of the "Acting As If" part of DBing. I think that is more when there is not an affair or for things around the house. If you "act as if" you are not bothered by her spending time in an inappropriate atmosphere, you're lying to yourself and to her. Or at best, repressing your emotions about it.
I do not believe there is much use in repressing emotions when we're working on our Ms...Your feelings are reflecting a legitimate concern you have. Could you discuss it & try to find another solution for it? E.g., if she's lonely, perhaps she could find a reading club, or some other activity that is more appropriate for a married woman, invite the divorcee if she wants, but not just "hang out" with a bunch of single people. Does that make sense? Or perhaps you guys could get a babysitter and do an actual DATE with the divorcee/boyfriend? Costs $$$, which, in my sitch, isn't always a realistic idea, but it is one option.
The idea isn't for me to tell you & your W what to do, though. It's about learning to problem solve as a couple. Talk about it. You have a legitimate concern. Not because you don't trust her from her previous behavior, just because this isn't really "married woman" behavior. That's my opinion, anyway.
Just a little personal experience as an example...I had a person who came in as a client, but after talking with him I realized he was the neighbor of some of our good friends. I told him I couldn't be his therapist because of this, and he went to another therapist.
He and his wife had just separated. He invited me over to his house - to show me his garden, which is beautiful, something he puts a lot into, and it seemed reasonable to go visit him to see it. I went once and felt a little uncomfortable, but, quite frankly , I'm kind of shy and have been molested, so I'm used to feeling uncomfortable in a lot of situations with men, and didn't really realize that my discomfort might be telling me something other than that I was with a man that I felt a little uncomfortable aroudn.
I went a couple more times, then thought, "Man, my H is so trusting of me to not be bothered by me having lunch with this guy, alone at his house." There was NO WAY I was attracted to this guy, or (so I thought) NO WAY I would ever have an affair on my H. But then I thought, my H shouldn't have to tell me not to do this - it is not appropriate for a married woman to have lunch alone at a recently divorced man's house. So I stopped going over there, and, acutally, stopped having lunch wiht him at all, got busy, and maybe he got a message...
This was all before I had the affairs. Wish I'd been so astute in those situations, too...
Anyway, good luck with this one. Not easy, this DBing, is it??!!