The Longest Journey

[SDFoundGirl]

First, I'm trying to understand where your H is "at" right now. (Other than with his head where the sun don't shine, obviously.) You said in a previous post he is "improving, but stuck and afraid to risk anything". I guess the immediate gut reaction I have to that statement is - he IS risking, risking EVERYTHING! And it seems to me that you laid that out to him, some time ago, when you "bombed him back." Would you agree?

Yes, I would agree. But like Jen said, this seems to be something where we have to repeat ourselves until we're ready to bean them with something heavy. I'm having to bring back my old friend Patience a whole lot.

Where is H's head? I think H IS really afraid. He's got what he asked for: a W who expresses what she wants and needs and wants more than the cohabitation we currently have. He doesn't know what to do with that...and the truth is, while he dealt with *some* of his sh!t, he didn't deal with a whole other part of it.

H doesn't confront. H avoids conversations that might be uncomfortable or difficult. I think H just wants me to be unicorns and rainbows and then everything will just happen without talking about it. But that's just not the case...and I used to be guilty of avoiding the hard conversations, but I just can't do that anymore.

So we're going to uncomfortable places...places where we might have a difference of opinion, where he may not be the expert, where we have to see things from all perspectives. And he's balking at it. We're talking things like being able to tell the other person that something they're doing is bothering them, setting boundaries, finances, sex, children, bills, hopes/dreams/goals for the M, etc.

To give him a tiny bit of credit, you did say he is improving - what does that look like to you, and how do you respond to it?

H is pretty good on anything where he can hide behind actions. I have to tell you, his primary LL is acts of service, and he is Mr. AOS let me tell you. He is trying to meet my needs in other ways too since I've asked. I have thanked him for these things when they happen and give him "credit" in therapy.

But we still don't function as a couple. I mean, H decided to go part time and start his own business, and I didn't get a real say. We never talked about the impact to our finances or how we were going to handle it. Let me get this straight: I totally think this is a good move for him. However, how do you make this decision independent of a M? And it's more complicated than I guess it sounds, because H and I have NEVER shared a bank account. I write a check for my half of bills monthly, H pays for vacations, and I pay for groceries weekly. We trade off other things like eating out and entertainment. Generally this works really well for us because H and I have pretty different ways of approaching money. But now things are going to need to shift, and we haven't YET talked about it.

This is my main issue. It's the main reason H walked away, because he NEVER opened his d@mn mouth to express dissatisfaction. To see him repeating this same behavior makes me nervous. I mean, did he learn NOTHING?

Second, WTF is up with your MC? It sounds from your description like he/she is content to sit back and let you explode in these sessions, and that either is supporting H's "SD is the crazy one" attitude, or comes across that way. True? Seriously, I just can't get my head around that.

MC is actually pretty good. However, H and I seem to be stuck, and MC hasn't figured out how to help us around it. She's been very good about helping H "hear" where I am, but he's not processing well.

I told H last time that I was exactly where he was when all this mess started: ready to leave. The difference, I told him, was that I had tried to work on the M and asked for what I wanted. He seems clueless...and he says he just wants us to "be nice to each other and move on from there." Like the rest will happen because a kind fairy sees us and waves her magic wand.

Dunno about continuing MC. Honestly, I just leave pissed off more than when I came.

Third, there's you. I'm so glad to hear you are still Happy SD, still GALing and growing. Never lose your grip on that, it is what has gotten you this far, and it's the most important thing of all. But it seems like you're losing sight of that person when you are around H these days - letting HIS problems change YOUR attitude.

Yes, I agree. So I am setting my boundaries and taking time for ME. Just living my life and doing what I want. I'm too tired to carry this M by myself...and so maybe it will just die. I'm kind of okay with that...I've done everything *I* can, and the rest requires a partner. We'll see.

Thanks for all of your input. I'm doing better...less emotional...back to being detached...taking care of myself. It seems to affect H's behavior as well...things have been better.

SD