Kalni, Woog, John, Jeff, Lizzy, Tomato, and the rest of my DB Buddies:
Here is the thing. I agree w/Kalni he needs to "get it" this time. You would think that a person would "get" that you can't just cheat on your wife and move on. And the tricky part is that H mentioned this weekend, "even if THIS (us) doesn't work out, because I don't know yet if it will, I can't be with OW"...so it isn't like he has come back to me 100% even though he says he left OW. He did put his phone (& secret phone) on the counter Friday night. I asked if that was supposed to mean something, and gestured at the phones. He said, "Yeah, it was SUPPOSED to..." I just said "It would be more convincing if your new phone were there too..." He replied that he left it in the truck and sighed like he realized he screwed up...
Anyway don't know why I felt the need to repeat that unless it is to remind me that he thinks he is making efforts (or wants ME to think so), but I don't think they are going far enough. Yet, I know that he isn't sure about us yet with/without the OW, so it isn't like he is going to be crawling in on hands and knees anytime either.
Ok, maybe I am still rambling. My kids are screaming and "fighting" over their toys right now so it is hard to focus. I guess I am looking for suggestions. What would give H the message that I cannot and will not plan a future w/him unless/until he can start proving himself? Esp. since right now he isn't sure he wants to plan one with me? Although knowing him for 16 years, he may feel comfortable NOT deciding b/c he knows that history shows I will always wait around for him......maybe if I said I didn't think I could have a future w/him, or if I even said I wasn't sure I wanted a future w/him, he may feel more inclined to make a decision....
Anyway the point isn't to force his hand. I want to know how to show him that I cannot and will not plan a future w/him unless and until he can prove himself worthy of being the H I deserve? I don't know if that sounds to arrogant but you get what I mean I'm sure.......
I suppose I could tell him directly, in a letter or an e-mail. The pastor today said a big step in overcoming "niceness" and dealing w/the person who has wronged you is to "name the offense". H knows what he has done, but would it be worthwhile to write him a letter/e-mail just basically stating: Look, I have been thinking a lot this weekend. You have cheated on me, you have lied to me, you have made me promises to work on the M and all the while you were still with OW. I am at the point where I cannot trust what you tell be to be true b/c so often it has not been true... and then go in to how changes need to happen in order for me to trust him again?
I say write it b/c discussions are not effective w/H. He needs to be able to ponder the info. at his own pace, then go back and read it a second or third time for things to really process for him...anyway he has said before that letters work best for communicating major ideas to him. So anyway do I say to him this is what I am unhappy about, and then also say what changes I need from him? Or do I just say what he has done to upset me, then tell him it is his job to restore the trust, etc. Or do I just say I am needing time and space from you right now b/c of what you have done with no mention of restoring my trust in him or restoring our M?? I am at a loss how to do this b/c clearly I haven't been good at setting boundaries or giving consequences in the past...
If it had just happened and we were living together, it would be easier to send a message. I could just move out or tell him to move out. But now we are living apart anyway...once it is time for me to move to Iowa, I could send a message by getting my own place rather than living w/him. But that is still 5-10 weeks away...what can I do NOW to let him know things are not ok? Especially after lettng him back in my bed last night/this morning? I feel like I should somehow address that as well, and explain that it is what I wanted in the moment but now I know it isn't best for me?
I feel like I am totally rambling, I just don't know what action to take. Just going by "after the last resort", where you talk on the phone only about the kids, don't initiate contact, don't spend time alone together, etc. I feel like that would confuse him. Because today and last night I did make small talk, laugh and hang out with him. So to stop doing it today with no explanation would be weird, like I am playing games with him. I want to be more straightforward than that, not overly manipulative??
I'll stop b/c I may be confusing myself at this point Just want concrete examples of how to send message to H that I need clear, consistent proof/reassurance that OW is really gone and I am really a priority before I leave myself vulnerable to him again...
Just want concrete examples of how to send message to H that I need clear, consistent proof/reassurance that OW is really gone and I am really a priority before I leave myself vulnerable to him again...
