Rob - I thought about how to respond to your post while I was shoveling 14 inches of the white stuff off of my driveway (and sidewalks) today. Here's the answer: I intend to let her do all of the heavy lifting. I'm not gonna be the one who initiates anything. I just won't do it.
I am not in "agony." In fact, I am OK. Not entirely happy, but I am at the very least comfortable with who I am. Comfortable that I have done my best. Comfortable knowing that, if our marriage ends, it will not be me that initiates the end of it.
Perhaps a part of my being "Already Gone" is a defense mechanism. It would be not good at all for me to truly believe that my wife will soon wake-up from her MLC and tearfully return to the marriage. Believing that I am "Already Gone" allows me to be strong and independent, and capable of demanding particular things (no contact, transparency, etc) from her in the unlikely event of her return. To believe otherwise, I would be setting myself up for pain and disappointment in the future.
The upshot is that being strong, and knowing and believing that my marriage is over, makes me more attractive to her... and others.
I see your point about the defense mechanism, Mark. I really do.
You are doing the best you can, and doing great, I might add.
Another plus about you staying right where you are, is that as long as its semi-peaceful in the house with your W, you have "another day to be your little kids dad"...that's a quote from a country song, but I knew I had to point that out to you, since you aren't a big fan.
Thanks for the reply. It helped me understand where you are coming from much better.
So, what I heard in your last post, which hasn't really been evident in your other posts lately, was a bare sliver of possibility that your W might wake up and your M might work out. Actually, I am pleased to see that glimmer of hope from you, as tiny as it may be.
I'm not going to suggest that you fan that ember into a burning flame - just the opposite. I feel the 'Already Gone' place where your head and your heart are at right now is a good one. Maintaining detachment and looking after yourself and the kids is exactly what you should be doing, and you are doing it very well.
Wishing you the best, Rob
P.S. Loved the heavy lifting analogy. I'm sore this morning from shoveling those same 14 inches of snow.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
