Michael sweetie, look at the positivies. 1)She isn't involved now with OM and hopefully she won't go looking for another one to replace him. That is the thing that would concern me and I'll talk about that in a minute. 2)She hasn't left you and you have her under the same roof. 3)She seems to want to get through this, but of course she is confused and doesn't understand what is happening to her. 4)You now have time to work on the MR while she is under the same roof and she can see your improvements. If she thinks you are attractive....the desire will return. 5) You have time on your side. 6) Both of you are young and healthy. I could go on, but I think you get the picture.
Now, my concern that she will turn to another man. If she found this first man while playing internet games and she is now suffering his rejection....her ego is hurt and she may go back to her source to find somebody else. B/c she is vulnerable to that now. I know that I will always have to be very careful and not fall into that snare again. Thank God, I don't have any desire to find anyone or to flirt with men. I learned the little beginning signals they send out in the chat box, so I just tell them I'm old as dirt and have been M a hundred years, and they are usually through with me then....lol. If not, I shut it down.
My suggestion for you is to have things lined up that seem to be interesting to her. For example, say that she loves to go walking every evening. I would just plan to take a walk while she was there at the house and tell her, "Say, I think I need to get some exercise and I believe I'll take a walk". Perhaps she will offer to go alone with you, if so that is great! By all means, except that offer. It could be the beginning of becoming closer. Or, maybe she likes to ride a bike, or whatever. If she doesn't say anything about wanting to go along with you, then you could very light heartedly ask if she would like to join you. If not, don't show your disappointment! This may be something you would need to continue a couple times a week until she decides to join you. Get dressed up and say, "I think I need to get out of the house and think I'll go get some ice cream.....then while you are almost ready....ask if she would like to go. If not, again, don't show your disappointment, but be sure you go! Just don't stay gone long. Tell her it's time for some new clothes and you're going to make a trip to the Mall....if she loves to shop, that would get her attention (lol), you may even say, "I sure could use your help in selections". Those are just some ideas.
I'm so sorry, I can't remember if you said you had children, but I think you do, anyway, if so then you really have opportunities for family fun, but don't allow it to be a source of "pressure" on her. For example, if the kids love to horse around with daddy, play where she sees this or can hear the fun. If they are too old for that maybe they like to play games.....make it really fun. After some time passes, start taking the kids out to the movies, or wherever, and invite her along. I think this will lure her into the fun also. It is a good starting place. As the weather warms up, and if you like to cook outdoors.....there is good opportunities for fun times. As she seems to relax a little, you might invite a couple of friends over for a nice meal....but be sure she is ok with it first.
Remember, no pressure. That is the number one thing right now! That is why you must place your desire and feelings on the back burner and keep telling yourself ......"someday" she will be all mine again. Her feelings will fade for this OM, but I just don't want her to get involved with another one. That is why I hope she will get active with the family.....and especially with you. However, she may not want to be alone at first with just you (for fear of R talk from you) and need the kids as her "shield". I think you know not to discuss any R talk and especially about OM until she is ready.
Sweetie, I've been there and I can tell you that the OM was a result of her not being fulfilled in her M. Her needs were not being met, so when you get that chance again.....be sure you learn what those needs are and do a good job of meeting them.
Become a man she will fall in love with all over again. It is hard work, but if you believe she is valualbe enough....and I think you do....you can do it.
If I have repeated myself on any of this, forgive me. You know, most of the stories on the Board sort of have the same main theme with the same main answers. I have told dozens of people the same thing I am telling you. There have been many success stories as a result of applying DB/DR techniques. Many leave after their M is restored and we don't hear much from them. But then, I don't blame them. Some stick around for a long time to help the rest of us.
Stay in touch with us and let us know what is going on. We care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
