OK H just left to buy some mud for the basement drywall so I can "talk" now...on a side note he strongly encouraged/asked S5 to go to the hardware store w/him. S didn't really want to go but H told him to. I made a comment Friday night to H that our M would never work if I had to worry about what he was doing every time he ran to Lowe's for some supplies. (I think that 2 weeks ago when I was home and he was too, that is how/when he got together w/her) Anyway I am wondering if he took S to somehow show me he wasn't sneaking off anywhere....
Anyway back to business. I am conflicted at the moment. I don't want to jerk H around b/c I didn't/don't like him jerking me around.
H came in the bathroom yesterday afternoon after I took my shower. D was asleep, S was playing...He wanted to tell me that he ended it w/OW Friday night. He didn't say when. Don't know if it was on the drive down, or after I went to bed. Sometime in the night he put away the regular cell phone (he said the battery died which happens a lot b/c he only charges it in the truck...I also wonder if he didn't just shut it off and put it in truck to avoid calls from OW), and threw the secret phone in the garbage. So maybe he ended it from our home after I went to bed??? Either way he said he still didn't know if it would work out w/us, but he knew he didn't have the time/energy/desire to make it work w/her....I said you have told me that before what is different this time? He said he did end it at New Year's but it started up again 3 wks later, after he went out again on a Friday and she was there.....said this time was different b/c it HAD to be if there was a chance for us, and b/c the A was not good for him (DUH!) I mentioned the fact that his regular cell phone was missing again (H wore his new work phone on its holster thingy all weekend), and he said it was dead, which I mentioned above. I said it would take time for me to be able to believe it was over...
Last night we did go to the comedy show. Harland Williams was super funny, we really enjoyed him. Laughed and laughed. Had some small talk on the way home. I took the sitter home and came back. H was on the couch. I sat in the chair. We talked a little then I went to bed. Woke up a couple hours later and noticed H came to sleep in our bed, too?
I decided during the comedy show that I would "date" my H for now. Treat it like a "new-ish" relationship. I wouldn't have sex w/him unless/until I felt 100% positive that I wanted to spend the rest of my life w/him, and vice versa. Until I knew I wasn't going to get caught up in wondering where he was everytime he left the house...I wouldn't send him cute little texts with hearts and smileys like I have been doing b/c that is too forward for me when I first start dating someone, etc...But I decided it was okay to go out on dates w/him, be minimally affectionate, etc...
Which brings us to this morning. He spooned me after I woke up this morning. Kept holding my hand in both of his, rubbing my leg, my arm, etc. I was so happy to feel closeness (remember I think physical affection/touch is my main love language). So I touched him back. We did NOT have sex, but we did "play".
So here is my problem.........NOW I wish we hadn't. B/C it is WAY too soon for that. Just 3 nights ago I found out H was still having an A. And he didn't even confess or anything, I questioned him and he admitted it......So what the He!! am I doing letting him back in our bed and letting him kiss me? Not even just letting him, but responding and participating in it???
Our church sermon was on "Tough Love", it was called "Love AND War". It said that Christians who think being NICE is the highest virtue in love have a common problem. When dealt w/injustice, they react with TOLERANCE or REJECTION. In other words, they tolerate the injustice done to them in the name of "being nice", or they cut off the relationship w/that person entirely b/c they can't figure out how to be "nice" to the person who hurt them, and they don't know how to relate to the person without being "nice". Kind of confusing maybe you had to be there. The point was if you think you have to be NICE to be loving, you kill relationships. B/C if you tolerate the crap for too long, the other person feels you really don't love them, or you wouldn't put up with their SH!T. Or they just lose all respect for you. On the other hand, if you just cut off the other person b/c you don't know how to respond lovingly to their betrayal, you lose the relationship b/c you literally stopped contact w/the person.
I am quite sure I do the TOLERANCE thing a lot. I view(ed)unconditional love as supporting my H no matter what b/c I signed on for for better or worse, till death....b/c I knew I wanted to be w/him forever and wanted to "Stick with it"....but I have been doing that all wrong. I get now why my H told the counselor I was weak. To let him lie, lie, lie, cheat, cheat, cheat, and then let him crawl into bed and kiss me? To send him messages w/hearts and smiley faces? I feel like a total idiot....although to be fair he told me the H was over when I was doing most of that so I was acting on false information...
Anyway it says for the person who consistently breaks your trusts/betrays you, etc. you must give them firm consequences so they realize you are no longer tolerant of their behavior. Not b/c you are a b!tc#, but because you love them enough to want them to realize they are headed down the wrong road...and it says for the person who does so repeatedly with little or no remorse, and always an excuse, you should actually remove them from your life as much as possible, letting them know they cannot be a part of your life so long as they are behaving in that way.
I know this is a long post but I have a lot to think about. H told the MC a couple months ago that he didn't want us to be physical b/c he felt I took our physical closeness to mean everything was "okay again", when it really wasn't. At the time I argued that if we are trying to get back together, we should be physical b/c it had always been a strength in our M and we should go with what was working before and change what wasn't....
Now I am agreeing with him. I feel that letting him stay in our bed, kiss me and hold me, etc. was like saying "It's okay that you kept lying to me about OW. It's ok that you had no intention of telling me except that I happened to ask you Thurs. night. It's OK that you have told me it was over before and it was a lie, I will just trust you completely this time..."
So now what??? I really want to distance myself from H for awhile. I need him to know how hurt I am about all that has happened. I need him to know that I need the time he has been asking for to figure out WHY I have put up with so much, and to figure out whether I can trust him enough to let him love me again. And I feel that he needs to out-and-out apologize at some point for all the crap he has pulled all these years. Not just give me the sad song and dance about how crappy he feels about himself, but to say he is sorry for making me cry, making me feel crazy, making me doubt my ability to love and trust again....
And yet I feel like I screwed that up by being close with him last night. I am sure if the shoe were on the other foot, I would be like "What the he!!?? This morning you are making out with me and letting me touch you and now you say you need space b/c you need to regain your trust in me? You didn't seem to have a problem being close to me this morning??"
So I know this was an incredibly long post, but the bottom line question I have is, what do I do now? I want to have some space apart and then if he wants it to work, and I do too, he needs to take some steps to show me he is a changed man. But I feel that by letting him back "in" this weekend I am obviously sending a mixed message......HELP!
