Please help...need MLC advice

[tpaschal]

Bomb,

Thanks for the male perspective. As for the rush, he doesn't think it's a rush. And actually, according to Texas law, it's not. We could have been divorced long ago except that he's a procrastinator and I haven't been doing ANYTHING to help move things along.

But if he asks for an expedited trial date, the judge is likely to look at it, see that D papers were served in June, and grant the request.

I did let my L know, and they are working on my behalf to get the info. I will need and slow things down as much as possible, but there's only so much they can do.

I know OW has been pushing, and I think he's getting tired of not being able to "openly date" even though she is living with him and they do go out in public anyway, but I'm starting to wonder if she's pregnant or something?

Guess my L needs to schedule a deposition from her to find out....


Would love some advice from you on whether or not to let him stay at the house this weekend! Some of my friends say, NO WAY, but they don't understand DB'ing, or even why I want to DB.

Would it be good DB'ing to allow him to stay here? Or would it be me being a doormat?

I'm confused!

[bombardier50]

Well, you know, everyone else can jump in here with what they think, but here's my opinion:

What would a friend do?

One of Michele's articles here on the site consists of a letter from this guy who stayed friends with his WAW through the divorce and aftermath. I'm thinking that just trying to remain friendly and helpful right now might be a pretty good goal. I know that's going to be hard considering all the stuff he's done, and you don't have to be a doormat either. But it's going to be a lot easier to get through this mess if you have a friendly vs. an adversarial relationship.

But that's just my opinion.

[CMNM]

T,
First of all, I apologize if my first reply seemed to not take this seriously. I do. I also know that even after my H filed he was checking my phone. And, no, it wasn't to get something "on" me.

Like you said, your house is not a pigsty. So, in that case, you shouldn't worry about him finding something that he could use against you. Is he seriously going to tell the judge that you have a messy closet or two?

I would recommend against locking any doors. I would remove the things you feel you should to a friend's house and be done with it. I seriously think that him staying in the family home is the best option.

This is just my opinion. I am just trying to alleviate some of your anxiousness regarding this situation. Only you know what you can handle. If this is too much for you, then tell him no.

I don't think it would hurt him to see some of the things that have fallen into disrepair. If he doesn't have a heart, well, he should at least have brains enough to know that it is in his best interest to keep the house up.

I understand that you don't want to feel attacked anymore. Sweetie, this is in your control. You know if you are doing the best that you can. If you are, so be it. Don't let him tell you any differently. If it is true that you could stand to do more around the house, then do it. I know that sounds so simple, but it is really the best advice out there. When I was able to live by the words, "You know the truth, it doesn't matter what others think," my life got tons easier.

It is not easy to take care of a huge house and children, and to be under the stress that you are under. It can't be perfect, T! Just do your best and learn to be ok with it. It is not a messy house that made him leave, anyway.

[Sandyof5]

Tpashcal,

I went thru and read your whole post. Its a sad sad mess and Im so sorry you are in this mess right along with the rest of us.

I too am a stay at home mom and my H is harping on me to "get a job". Ive always been home and taken care of kids and house and hes always been so happy about it..now? Not so much. the way I see it is...kids need you around NOW more than ever. My H makes a very good living..if he would stop with his crazy spending our financial situation would not be such a problem...sorry Im not working so he can continue to buy his Polo and Banana Republic wardrobe and a new watch a month. Sorry.

I totally get what you mean about him being in the house while you are gone..while mine legally owns the house and pays the mortgage I cringe while he is in the house and Im not here. Maybe because I dont see it as HIM but as an imposter? Im not so sure..but its just a crappy feeling. I'm affaraid he might be looking for something/anything to hold against me too, to give him grounds for divorce? I dunno maybe its me being paranoid as Im living a smart knoble life of integrity and being a great mom. His mind is so whacked out that "yes he could turn a messy closet into a whole nother thing" Yuck. My best friend has become my worst enemy..so sad and soo scary and how the heck did that happen?

I too have tons of personal stuff on my laptop, stuff Ive written and saved. Pics I've taken of my "proof" he is having an affair etc etc. It woudlnt be pretty if he got his hands on it. Because it is on a laptop I always take it with me when I leave but I so get how you feel!

You are doing great..I know this is so hard. You hang in there and keep DBing. We are all "living the dream together" LOL LOL

[Sandyof5]

Tpashcal,

I went thru and read your whole post. Its a sad sad mess and Im so sorry you are in this mess right along with the rest of us.

I too am a stay at home mom and my H is harping on me to "get a job". Ive always been home and taken care of kids and house and hes always been so happy about it..now? Not so much. the way I see it is...kids need you around NOW more than ever. My H makes a very good living..if he would stop with his crazy spending our financial situation would not be such a problem...sorry Im not working so he can continue to buy his Polo and Banana Republic wardrobe and a new watch a month. Sorry.

I totally get what you mean about him being in the house while you are gone..while mine legally owns the house and pays the mortgage I cringe while he is in the house and Im not here. Maybe because I dont see it as HIM but as an imposter? Im not so sure..but its just a crappy feeling. I'm affaraid he might be looking for something/anything to hold against me too, to give him grounds for divorce? I dunno maybe its me being paranoid as Im living a smart knoble life of integrity and being a great mom. His mind is so whacked out that "yes he could turn a messy closet into a whole nother thing" Yuck. My best friend has become my worst enemy..so sad and soo scary and how the heck did that happen?

I too have tons of personal stuff on my laptop, stuff Ive written and saved. Pics I've taken of my "proof" he is having an affair etc etc. It woudlnt be pretty if he got his hands on it. Because it is on a laptop I always take it with me when I leave but I so get how you feel!

You are doing great..I know this is so hard. You hang in there and keep DBing. We are all "living the dream together" LOL LOL

[tpaschal]

Thanks Pam and Sandy and Bomb (and anyone else I may have missed) for your words of support and advice. Sorry I didn't reply. I actually did write out a long reply (that addressed a lot of points Pam brought up---thank you Pam) last Thurs. evening before I left town, but my computer froze and I didn't have a chance to reconstruct the post.

So, I did bust my butt to get the house looking more like I wanted it, in some part so I wouldn't have to hear sh** from H, but also so I could be proud for my own sake, and did tell H he could stay here at the house with the kids.

I sent him a very cheery email saying that I was excited to be off on my trip but would miss the kids. Gave him an outline of the kids' schedules for the weekend, and wished him and the kids a good time.

There was some minor drama with the computer, though, and I'm not sure he ever saw the email!

I packed up a big box with my files and things that I didn't want H to have access to and took it to my girlfriend's house on the way to the airport Friday afternoon. But I hadn't had time to disable the desktop computer! (Which is having major problems---it keeps freezing up. The friend who built it for us 3 yrs ago has offered to rebuild it for me at no cost, but he's been busy with work and we just haven't connected on it to get it done yet. H knows all of this.)

So I gave my friend my house key to go pick up the computer. She went straight over to the house, and H was already there, much earlier than he had indicated to me he would be! She went to the door anyway, was very cheery and nice and told him she was there to take the computer to be repaired. (the computer guy is a mutual friend.) H gave it to her with no questions asked, thanks be.

I think things went okay for the kids overall, but my in-laws were around for a lot of the time and helped out quite a bit---they keep saying he needs to sink or swim on his own, but then they feel bad for the kids and don't want them to miss out on things that they know H will just ignore and not take them to or do with them. So they step in.

MIL told me that S9 stuck to H like glue, and D5 was fussy and whiny but fine overall. D14 told me it was the worst 3 days of her life. (Of course, she is a teenage hormone bomb prone to melodrama, so I do take what she says with more than one grain of salt.) I do think it was very tense between the two of them.

I had fun on my weekend away with friends, but it was hard in parts, too. Many of the friends there were couple friends, so it was sometimes very sad to me to be there on my own. I know they love me for ME, and not just as part of a couple, but I miss being part of a couple. I miss HIM.

I did get grief from my MIL when I returned.

On Thurs. night before I left S9 had soccer practice and got his practice shirt muddy, then had a nosebleed in the middle of the night, and D5 wet her bed (which is VERY unusual, but maybe the stress of me leaving town?) I stripped both beds and put on new sheets, but didn't get to all the laundry that day. I hadn't packed at all due to trying to get the house in shape, so had to do that on Friday, plus still had to do my regular morning and afternoon carpools, plus D5 had a program at school on Friday that I attended.

So since H didn't get email due to showing up at the house early and having no computer there, he had no idea where the soccer shirt was for Friday night's practice and dug through the dirty laundry, rolling his eyes at the unwashed sheets. D14 told me later that MIL had the nerve to tell D14 that nothing had changed, and why should Daddy want to come back to that? WTF? I later told MIL point blank that I appreciate her help but to not to ever say anything like that to D14 ever again. (Don't hold out much hope of her actually following that rule, though.)

Ugh!

MIL did also tell me that she and H had some words. She told him how embarrassed she and his dad are at his behavior and who he's hanging out with now, and put down the OW. She told him that she'd had plenty of experience fighting off "those types" of women (my FIL is Greek and had serial affairs, but his family was always his priority and never left his kids, though of course all the OW's pushed for it). I've told her before I don't think that helps, especially because H already KNOWS all of that (H always told me that he would never cheat or leave his family because of how much his dad's behavior hurt him and the whole family) but she says coming from her it's different than if it was coming from me. I can't control her, any more than I can control H, so I just have to turn it over to God.

I got home Monday evening and saw that he did do some repairs around the house while he was here, and I did thank him very nicely for that when he came to pick up the kids for school Tues. morn.

So...no negative fall-out (so far) from letting him stay here with the kids, but we do go to court this Wed., so guess I'll see.

[tpaschal]

So...another question.

Temporary orders hearing has been set (rescheduled for the 2nd...or is it 3rd time?) for this Wednesday. It was supposed to be Feb. 13 but got postponed until March 12.

H called me Feb. 13 and wanted to "talk." I think I may have posted earlier in this thread about that convo. We met for lunch and it was basically him telling me he'll play nice and offer me a good settlement if I'll keep the case out of the courtroom and just hurry up and settle it, but play nasty if I don't....but that either way the D will be final by June and there's nothing I can do about it.

Now, it's true that this case has taken longer than many do in Texas, and he keeps accusing me of dragging things out on purpose, which is partially true, but it's also that H is a big procrastinator and has done very little to push things along.

Either he wants to ignore it, and is simply being the big procrastinator he's always been until OW gives him a hard time about pushing it faster, or he wants me to do all the work for it so he can say, "See? She wanted the D, too!"

After talking to him, I met with my lawyer 2 weeks ago, and he basically begged me to finally untie his hands and let him start making his case. (I've told him repeatedly I do NOT want a divorce and have asked him to only take action when H does something that we HAVE to respond to.) He said he was afraid H was at the point of having his L file a motion for a hearing to be set, and we would be "caught with our pants down" and not having all the info. we need for the case. He also said that if H and I want to settle, that was fine, but we first need to get the temporary orders hearing out of the way---it will give us some info. on financial matters and get some things settled and out of the way so that we can negotiate intelligently, plus, it will be one less thing for me to worry about if I can finally get enough money to pay the monthly bills while we are going through negotiations.

I said okay. So...one of the first things he did was to subpeona OW to be at the hearing on Wed., and to bring all her bank statements and other financial stuff!!!

Yuck. I do NOT want to see H and OW together! Plus, I did not know L was planning to do this, and KNOW I will get sh** from H about it. Ugh. What do I do? What do I say? (I kinda know, but would love to hear it from you guys.)

Do I take someone with me to court? A friend? MIL? She has offered to go, though I know she would feel uncomfortable. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Is this going to ruin any chance I have of DB'ing? I know everyone says to NOT make it about the OW, not to attack the OW, and this move by the L does ALL of those things!

HELP!

[CMNM]

tp,

In my opinion, "making it about the OW" means placing all your energies in her instead of yourself. What is happening with you and your lawyer and the case does not fall under this umbrella.
You have to do what you need to do to make sure you and your children are provided for. Your L sounds like he knows what he is doing!

Yes, it will make your H mad. So?
Look at it this way: If you kept her out of it and took less than you deserved/needed because you were trying to keep your H "happy," how are you going to feel if he then goes on to marry her? You're gonna be pissed that you didn't get everything you were entitled to, and it will be too late to do anything about it.

You owe your H no explanations. Just be pleasant and stick to business.

Yes, take someone to court if you need the support. No, not your MIL! Judging by her words while you were gone, she is not a good support system for you.

I know you don't want your H angry with you, but most likely he will be during this time. Just keep working on YOU and your responses (or lack of) to his antics and things will get smoother in time. Right now PROTECT YOURSELF!!!

[inmyplace]

Pam, it is so great to see you around and helping.

IMP

[sandi2]

Hi, I've read your story and I am probably going to get a 2X4 from some DB'er but here goes anyway.....

I wanted to respond to you before you allowed him to spend the weekend at your house, but just read your thread tonight and so that has past. I don't trust him for a second b/c he has this OW controlling him. I was afraid that before that weekend was over there would be something he could find negative to say about you. To have our MIL's over when the house is messed up makes it even worse! You would think that they would realize what you had before he left you (hired help,etc.) and how things are now instead of finding fault with you. But, he is not that same person any now. I don't trust that OW and I think she was the one that probably threw a fit about having your "brats" over all weekend messing up their place, is why he wanted to stay at your place. I would go so far as to say that she could have place the idea in his mind that would be a good time to get any "dirt" on you to use in court. There is a time to be nice and there is a time to fight for your life, sweetie. I think the time has come to do what you need to do for you and your kids.

She doesn't have kids and she sure does not want yours....you can bet your bottom dollar on that! Oh she may try to make the Judge think she does, but honey, she only want your H's money! She has upscaled and she knows it.

Yuck. I do NOT want to see H and OW together! Plus, I did not know L was planning to do this, and KNOW I will get sh** from H about it. Ugh. What do I do? What do I say? (I kinda know, but would love to hear it from you guys.)

Do I take someone with me to court? A friend? MIL? She has offered to go, though I know she would feel uncomfortable. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Seeing the OW with your H is the least of your concerns! Listen to me. You go into that courtroom swinging! You tell your L to get every penny he can get from your H and to make sure the Judge knows how he has neglected supporting you and his children in the lifestyle you are accostumed to during the S. That Judge needs to know how this has affected those kids, also. You know why he wanted to settle out of court, don't you? B/c he is the one that has committed adultry (I hope he gets a woman Judge!) and he has shown his neglect to his family. He walked away from his family and left them almost destitute. Let your lawyer lay it on thick. He won't have to stretch the truth....just tell all of it! Don't allow him to get away with this. Your children deserve everything that daddy can afford them! To think he wanted you to have another baby just b/c he felt something lacking in his life!!! Makes me chew at the bits thinking about it.

Maybe you will still love him in the end.....who can say. But if he and OW get married.....you need to move on with your life. Of course, there will be the tie between you, him and the kids. But, that doesn't mean you have to see him or have talks with him except for business or emergencies. I'm sure the Judge will give you full custody, considering H's adultry. You take that alimony and don't bat an eye. You earned it! You will probably want to sell the house and get something smaller and that will help on the housework. BTW, have you ever looked up flylady.com ? It is great!

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Your H is probably in MLC and by the time he gets out of it he will realize the destruction he has caused and it will be all to late. There is a chance that he won't M the OW. He might get his eyes open to her real self before he goes that far. If so, and he wants to return home, well......that will be up to you and then you will really need to grab that DR book again.

I'm pulling for you. You be strong. Take your friends, family, his partners, the Pastor, heck the entire community.....and see how he feels sitting in that courtroom with his OW! (Just kidding......but do take the ones that you feel gives you strength.

Take care of yourself and stay in touch with us.

Sandi2