Piecing...gosh this is hard ll

[a new 2moro]

i was content to wait forever for him to want me until i found out about the fall...it crushed me. made me feel vulnerable and undesirable, made me feel like i couldnt win no matter what. i did everything i thought was good to helping him feel safe loved and welcome but no pressure. but he freaked and went back to her. he didnt think i was happy or gonna welcome him back fully.

of course now its all compounded.....zero expectations and i should have seen this coming, i should have expected it. how did i not see it????? i never would have found out had i not found that email.

yet hes here so i guess thats good....anytime ive suggested him moving out its been tears and he doesnt want to. doesnt want to move upstairs to the guest bedroom either.

i guess hes still in inner turmoil...he talks about things that influenced his wanting to come home. said he went to a wedding last winter with her and when he saw the couple exchanging vows he cried realizing he wasnt with the person he took those vows with, and he should be with me, what was he doing there.

he never wanted the D, he thought he was supposed to. it made him as sick as it did me. all he he kept thinking that day was "is she Ok". it upset him when i refused to actually meet with him.

the icing was the funeral he want to. he broke down realizing he wanted to grow old with me.weird...

he carries a tremendous amt of guilt for not being there for what turned out to be smudgie's last year. that brings him to tears.

then all spring he pulled away from her came home finally....BUT never told her he was home. he was living at camp...thinking about things....needed time for himself....in 50 yrs he was finally going to do what he needed for himself.....hmmm...sounds familiar....take time for himself....kinda like SF's H couldnt quite tell ow he was done.

im just journaling....sharing how messed up their brain really is.....and for what its worth to the newbies....the ow gets lied to too. he told her he didnt move home until late november. and the arrangement was platonic as he wanted to be with his animals. no desire to be with me ...he told her...ouch!

i dont want to be the ow...who's post did i read that compared the coming home to the LBS becoming the ow.....ick