H just picked up S. I was feeling quite flustered and emotional because he is taking them to see his Grandparent's today...it's the first time his Grandfather will see S. I'm really sad about missing it. H asked as he was leaving with a perturbed voice, what was wrong with me. I just said I was emotional and I was sorry. He asked why was emotional (duh...this always shocks me when he asks because he actually is not aware of why I might be emotional...or is pretending not to know)... .....ANYWAY, I said because I used to be a part of your family and now it's hard to not be. He said, well you talk to my Dad's side of the family so it's up to communicate with who you want to. I said sometimes I feel like they don't want to hear from me, I said I get that impression from your Mom. I said I just don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. He walked out. I called his cell after a few minutes and said, listen...I didn't mean to say anything bad about your Mom, I just don't want to make her uncomfortable. I said it's not just the people I miss, it's being a part of things. I really miss being a part of things. He just said fine and was really perturbed at this point so we just hung up. I feel like an idiot. Backslide? YEP! I'm kicking myself in the azz right now. That's why I'm typing it all here because I need to rehash it so I can let it go.
This is going to sound a little odd and WAY off topic...but the last two days I can not stop thinking about dating. Why am I suddenly finding the urge to date other men??? I think partially because I'm now living in a fantasy world that my perfect match (H or not H) is out there somewhere I want a GREAT man in my life! Perhaps it's 'other' frustrations....I'll leave that one at that. But also I think I'm starting to detach from H that way. Interesting. Anyway, I'm glad I have the strict 'no dating while breastfeeding rule'...because I know that I am not ready. I really need to stand on my own two feet here.
So I'm going to finish baking before the kids come back this afternoon. 100 more cookies to go!! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
