If you have the ability to just look forward, piecing is a breeze. You must have the ability to let it go and move forward.
Like Keith Richards said... "Sometimes you gotta sit down and scrape the [censored] right off your shoes."
W and I had an amazing day yesterday. Spent time together, but also gave each other a bit of space.
Had a nice lunch, did a little shopping, played tennis and ordered in sushi and watched a movie.
I am now home permanently.
The divorce is busted .... end of story.
I wish everyone all the best. If you truly want to save your marriage and you have that special chemistry with your spouse, follow the DB tips and you will be ok.
It's all about getting a life, not whining, working on yourself and then having your spouse fall in love with the new you.
I personally believe that separation is very healthy in these situations. I really do.
You need to give each other space so the wounds can heal.
Your story shows us that "it ain't over till it's over". Glad things are moving along. Keep us informed, it's nice to read good stuff on these boards too!
I personally believe that separation is very healthy in these situations. I really do.
I truly believe this. I didn't at first, when I was begging W to reconsider. Now I believe it. It basically forces a 'time out" so each of you can focus on yourselves. You can pull back to 30,000 feet and finally see the forest for the trees.
I told W this week that this sep was the best thing we could have done. It has allowed each of us to reflect and grow, and make incredible changes. If we reconcile, it will be great because we now know what is important for a healthy R for us. If we go our separate ways, we will be less likely to repeat these mistakes with a new partner. She knows I am OK with it going either way now, and I sense by recent comments that this bothers her.
She told me last week that she feels like she is in full control of what happens, and she doesn't like it, it's more "pressure".
Now she feels she is definitely NOT in full control...I think this reduced pressure is actually a relief for her, and I think it is seen by her as a positive for our dynamic right now.
So, my long-winded point: Yes, a separation can actually be a huge help in bringing people together.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
If you have the ability to just look forward, piecing is a breeze
I am really pleased for you fish but I am also worried. If you honestly think the above is true then watch out.
Undoubtedly there is a honeymoon period when you reconcile. I would honestly say I have NEVER heard anyone on these boards make a comment about piecing being a breeze. One thing you see commented on time and time again by the people who 'bust' their D's on here is that they have learnt you have to keep on DBing forever. You no longer become complacent about your M and work at it all the time. Regarldess of 'chemistry', you got into this mess and respectfully I say to you, it will take more than just chemistry to keep it all running smoothly. Otherwise I fear you may find yourself here again.
I don't want to rain on you parade but please don't stop working at your M. If you don't think I know what I am talking about look at my signature, look at the articles on keeping love alive etc. Be careful.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
When it comes to marriage - make love, not war. Yes, it takes work. Remember what you've learned here, and apply what works! "If something is not working, do something different", as Michele says. Also, Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of "The Five Languages of Love" says, that each spouse should recognize his or her partner's love languages. I encourage you to get this book! I've served on this board for years - it's a good read! Michele recommends it too. (Therefore this is not a spam. Also, we do not receive a commission from him.)
Please come back to visit, and say your hellos. Other DB'ers could learn from you too.
thank you for the advice, you are spot on. We need to be careful of the "second honeymoon" phase. So far so good.
Very happy to be back in the house with my W and kidlet. We have been having a lot of fun.
The key at this moment is that we are giving each other A LOT OF SPACE!
So far so good.
A few touch moments is to be expected. But now, I apply DB principles and the conversation really flows easier. I now respect W as an individual, I realize I have no control over her and I give her space to make her own decisions.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I wish I could wave a wand and bail everyone out of this misery.
It takes a lot of hard work, a little luck and a spouse that will eventually meet you half way. Once the WAS realizes that they have a lot to lose they will start working with you.
Key to success...
1. Give me lots of space 2. Do not talk about the relationship 3. Let WAS initiate most contact 4. Patience and Time 5. Chemistry evaluation - Do you have it?
When you say you are applying DB principles to your conversations and discussions, what does that look like in real terms? Does it mean looking her in the eye, letting her speak, validating her concerns, etc?
Just curious, because I think I'm going to be in your position soon....
Thanks.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
