Questioning the concept of MLC and "Standing"

[fooled again]

I believe that MLC does exist, insofar as it is a label someone has given to the process of reexamining one's life at a particular stage in life. This process becomes takes the form of a C when it follows a painful and destructive route, as opposed to a more balanced and productive route, which I understand can and does happen frequently.

But how the S deals with the MLC is essentially a issue of "state of mind". No matter what the MLCer does, changes are going to be stressful to the S if the S is unable to recognize that the MLC is a process that they cannot control, a responsibility that they cannot own. I think that it is the motivation behind the actions of the LBS that truly determine whether we are actually DBing, whether we have truly detached.

I look back on the things I did when I was hit by the first bomb, and later when my H moved out. I tried to keep busy, I tried to spend more time w/ friends, I thought about what I wanted to do w/ my life, I exercised, ate better, spent more time w/ my D having fun. But behind those actions was the MOTIVATION to make my H see what a catch I was, to make him notice me, want me again, to compete w/ the OW, to make him come back. I was completely focused on my H, I was anxious, distracted, obsessed. Today I am essentially doing the same things - making new friends, keeping busy, taking some classes, having fun w/ D. But it FEELS different to me because the MOTIVATION behind my actions is to make ME happy. Same actions, different motivation and hence a completely different state of mind.

My focus has shifted from my H to myself, and though one may argue that it makes no difference, I believe the difference in focus is essential to living a healthy, emotionally balance life that will ultimately lead you along the path to becoming the person YOU want to become, not the person you think your MLC S wants you to be.

My interpretation of DBing is to improve our relationship w/ ourselves, our image of ourselves, to come to cherish ourselves and treat ourselves with the respect we deserve. If we cannot love and accept ourselves, how could we expect another to love and accept us. We ultimately assign a value to ourselves that is projected to everyone around us. I realized that I had undervalued myself for far too long, regardless if that had any effect on my H and his MLC.

I also believe that you can "stand" for your M in your mind, keep a small candle of hope burning forever, if that is your wish. But I don't believe that standing for your M is mutually exclusive to living your life with yourself as the focus, the primary motivation for your actions.

I don't know if what I've written makes sense, but it took me a very long time to get this, to understand that as long as I let my life be about my H and what he was doing, I was doomed to suffer the ups and downs of life on a roller coaster w/ an MLCer. When I was able to see that by allowing my life to be about me, I was able to get off that roller coaster so that my life was no longer about my H's MLC. Though I honestly hope my H will come back to me, I can't depend on it, so I have to make sure that I don't.

FA