Questioning the concept of MLC and "Standing"

[ACJ]

To me, I guess standing meant allowing him to do the work whether or not a Divorce was iminent.

That's what it means to me too. However the fact that he is moving forward with the D means that I have to take part in that process and it goes against everything I believe in (or want to do). I've been stalling but he is just using that as more ammunition. I don't actually feel I know what is the 'right thing to do' anymore. By having to play my part in the D I am helping him to achieve what he wants at the sacrifice of my own feelings. No amount of GALing can compensate for that.

[inmyplace]

By having to play my part in the D I am helping him to achieve what he wants at the sacrifice of my own feelings.

The real way to look at this is what happens if you do nothing, ACJ. In my case, I could have done nothing and then I would have been hurt by accepting a bad deal for me.

You still have to take care of business. That is part of what Althea is saying even though she may not have said it directly.

No amount of GALing can compensate for that.

You can't blame yourself for the actions of another. And you can't blame yourself for participating in a legal process that involves you, your children, and your financial well-being. Look at it this way. If your H had put into the D papers that he gets physical custody of your children, and you let him, how would GAL ever compensate for that.

IMP

[ACJ]

The real way to look at this is what happens if you do nothing, ACJ.

I'm not doing nothing I am just doing things in my timescale and not his and he doesn't like it.

You still have to take care of business.

I know. I need to get this done for me but at the moment I am managing VERY well financially and H isn't. Guess who he wants to pull down with him. Any move towards D (whether it be partial or full) is a financial suicide for us both right now and that's why I'm finding this so hard.

You can't blame yourself for the actions of another

I quit the blame game a long time ago. All I was pointing out is that it doesn't make it go away. It is still there in the cold light of day and I am honestly struggling with that.

[Cinderellaman]

Althea,

Your posts have made a real impact on me. You have grown so much and learnt, accepted and lived on ! I remember your pain over your kids meeting the ow. I am now experiencing the beginings of that. And even though I hope that ow won't like having to deal with my kids, I know that I have totally NO influence in how things will go and I cannot know how H and ow will deal with having 'our' kids in 'their' relationship. It doesn't really matter because I can now see that it is HIS and THEIR life, not mine.

I have grown tired of analyzing this MLC, it used up too much energy. Things are what they are....that does not mean I just accept everything, but just the things I have no control over.
Life has treated me good, I have a lot to be thankful and greatful for, and this does not excuse H's choices, but being thankful for the good and the positive has made MY life a lot happier. H and I get along very well as friends and parents. Yes, it still hurts that when my kids are with him, they form a new kind of family unit with him and ow...but that is the way it is. My D9 just told me that ow will be joining them for dinner on Thursday and she will cook, she seemed happy, whereas before D9 was always sad and worried. Well, I am glad she's happy. As a mother that is all we want for our kids.

How my life will turn out, only God knows, he has his own plan and his own timing of things. I have accepted that and am happy to enjoy and live my life the way I see fit, and all will be revealed in time.
It has freeed me, it has given me peace, it has not taken away all of the pain, because I still love my H very much, but a life without pain is a life without joy, for we need one to feel the other !

Thank you for posting Althea. May life be all that you want it to be ! Hugs to your beautiful kids ! xxxxxxxx

[forward]

I think the aspect that is most important is that you feel you have done your very best.

My H is so textbook MLC that I really do feel there must be something to it. That doesn't change the fact, though, that he is not interested and continues to talk D. I've DBed the best that I can and am now going dim.

I mean, is it the start to a healthy R when it starts w/you curled up in a ball, screaming and crying because you feel so sorry for OW? It was just too unhealthy mentally, and knowing what I do about OW only convinces me that H is in another world.

I am increasingly disinterested in letting him back into mine.

[missmyfriend]

I understand what everyone is saying and can even understand the person that was less understanding about those that cling to faith. There is a misconception of what it means to follow what their beliefs say. It doesn't mean to allow yourself to be abused or mistreated. In fact, it says very clearly in the Word that your spouse should not be your number one focus. And it is not supposed to be you either. When your primary focus is on yourself, you can become me-centered to the exclusion of others. If your life is totally wrapped up in your spouse, you are raising your spouse to that of God. (BTW, I am only bringing up the spiritual perspective because it has already been mentioned earlier)

Yes, the marriage is important but you cannot force someone else to view it from your perspective. They will not treat the marriage with the same level of importance as you, unless they have a realization that happiness cannot be found in another person and it cannot be found if they are primarily concerned with their own gratification. Even if a person does not believe in God or does not have a God-centered life, the same rules apply.

Excuse me Cinders for using you as an example.

Cinders has done some amazing growing during this ordeal (this is not just my perspective). She is real about everything. She has never denied how much she loves her H and how much he was her center. In fact, she is letting him go while loving him intensely, knowing that neither she nor her H is where her life is centered. If her H is able to work through everything and realize what is really important in life, he will benefit from Cinders growth. If he doesn't ever come to that realization or Cinders' path changes, any of Cinders' future Rs will benefit from these changes.

Faith is not a burden, it is very liberating and comforting.

[brandnewday]

Faith is not a burden, it is very liberating and comforting.

I totally agree.

But you also have to put your faith into God and not your Spouse.

Allow God to lead your paths let Him be the center and focus of your life and leave your Spouse alone.

Love your Spouse from a distance.

There is nothing any of us can do to make this MLC go away or end quickly, and even when MLC is over, we still can't make them come back to the Marriage.

Getting ourselves emotionally and spiritually healthy will help us regardless of whether or not they come back again.

In order to get to the next phase, the piecing, you have to be able to handle the wreckage and the baggage they bring back home.

It can be harder then the actual MLC in some ways.

[KarenMarieS]

Fig
Thats the truth!! You smarty farty you!
Timelines, throw them out the window, Never cared for the stages as far as how long each lasts,every single person is different, every mlc syndrome is different.

My ex has been gone 5-1/2 yrs, prob a year before he showed symptoms, NOW he is finally --not changing his lifestyle but admitting he had done some horrific, mean, senless things to me-
he is not happy with himself, not ready to quite apologize, but admitting. 5-1/2 yrs of spewing and BS, why? he dosnt know , he still feels confused. He is admitting, thats huge.

Too late for me, but hopefully he wont leave any more loved ones in his destructive path.

[fooled again]

I believe that MLC does exist, insofar as it is a label someone has given to the process of reexamining one's life at a particular stage in life. This process becomes takes the form of a C when it follows a painful and destructive route, as opposed to a more balanced and productive route, which I understand can and does happen frequently.

But how the S deals with the MLC is essentially a issue of "state of mind". No matter what the MLCer does, changes are going to be stressful to the S if the S is unable to recognize that the MLC is a process that they cannot control, a responsibility that they cannot own. I think that it is the motivation behind the actions of the LBS that truly determine whether we are actually DBing, whether we have truly detached.

I look back on the things I did when I was hit by the first bomb, and later when my H moved out. I tried to keep busy, I tried to spend more time w/ friends, I thought about what I wanted to do w/ my life, I exercised, ate better, spent more time w/ my D having fun. But behind those actions was the MOTIVATION to make my H see what a catch I was, to make him notice me, want me again, to compete w/ the OW, to make him come back. I was completely focused on my H, I was anxious, distracted, obsessed. Today I am essentially doing the same things - making new friends, keeping busy, taking some classes, having fun w/ D. But it FEELS different to me because the MOTIVATION behind my actions is to make ME happy. Same actions, different motivation and hence a completely different state of mind.

My focus has shifted from my H to myself, and though one may argue that it makes no difference, I believe the difference in focus is essential to living a healthy, emotionally balance life that will ultimately lead you along the path to becoming the person YOU want to become, not the person you think your MLC S wants you to be.

My interpretation of DBing is to improve our relationship w/ ourselves, our image of ourselves, to come to cherish ourselves and treat ourselves with the respect we deserve. If we cannot love and accept ourselves, how could we expect another to love and accept us. We ultimately assign a value to ourselves that is projected to everyone around us. I realized that I had undervalued myself for far too long, regardless if that had any effect on my H and his MLC.

I also believe that you can "stand" for your M in your mind, keep a small candle of hope burning forever, if that is your wish. But I don't believe that standing for your M is mutually exclusive to living your life with yourself as the focus, the primary motivation for your actions.

I don't know if what I've written makes sense, but it took me a very long time to get this, to understand that as long as I let my life be about my H and what he was doing, I was doomed to suffer the ups and downs of life on a roller coaster w/ an MLCer. When I was able to see that by allowing my life to be about me, I was able to get off that roller coaster so that my life was no longer about my H's MLC. Though I honestly hope my H will come back to me, I can't depend on it, so I have to make sure that I don't.

FA

[mymonkeybug]

Althea-

Just read your initial post and it gave me some food for thought. I will be coming back in the next day or 2 and reading all the posts and catchin up as I believe this debate so to speak is a good bit of insight from the other side, the divorced side so us newbies can see that it isn't all going to just work out in the end, that it may really end forever.

Heather