I don't know if this helps, but my W has also said things like - I was happy with the way things were if I hadn't met OM none of this would have happened. However what happened happened and W is depressed and withdrawn at the moment, one or two very small positive signs showing some signs of affection but then withdrawing.
In my case even having W in the house is difficult there is obviously a lot going on behind the mask but it is beyond my/our control. She is here physically but mentally....who knows.
The lack of control over the situation IS difficult and your imagination runs riot, this just leads to more anxiety if you think the worst. Take comfort in any small positive steps, at least they are not negative. Try to visualize what you want and keep that as a motivation.
My strategy at the moment is to let things ride but mainly not to burn any bridges or close any doors.
Could it be that when H returns he may not commit but maybe without any pressure he won't run?
Can you mange to stay detached and still let him resolve this at his own pace?
I admire you for hanging in there for so long. S E Asia is actually a great place to GAL, pamper yourself!
I think it was the best you could have replied. I have to run now, but very qiuck, for me it should take MORE than a sentence to go back to where you were. And honestly, would you want to go back where you were...?
Addie, Andy, Kalni, thank you so much for replying!
Yes, in my heart I know I've done the right thing. He is the one who has broken our life together, he needs to come up with the way to mend it. And when he will set it right, I will know it.
Then again if it was a baby step I would like to encourage him to take more, it really starts to feel like the fog is lifting. More of what works?
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Hi Stella - Where in Asia are you? I'm in Singapore for the next 6 months, then back to UK.
Originally Posted By: stella_k
ok, something happened just now and I still hardly believe it!
Ah, the danger of expecting patterns. Sweetie, it is a roller coaster for this very reason. Just when you think you have your expectations under control, they spring a surprise like this and you are off again. Stay your course.
Originally Posted By: stella_k
I suggested a few things, including IC, gym and vitamins. He said it won't help, he still feels terrible about what he has done. And then he actually said it: I WANT THINGS BACK THE WAY THEY WERE!!!!!
Honestly, this could mean anything. His definition of 'the way they were' could be completely different from yours. At this stage, perhaps the best response is what you gave, and to back it up with a personal note to yourself - always validate his feelings, and don't solve his problems. And ask him what he means by the way things were.
You are doing well, to have him turn around this much. Don't be surprised if he now withdraws, for a bit. Just continue all the great things that have obviously been working.
We are "unoffiicially" separated (due to his work. Long story!) for 19 months now. He is coming and going ever since .Last time (after finding out about the OW) I've told him that i will not call him, unless it's an emergency. And I never did.
I'm not sure I know what "Stella wants"... as if he influenced me with his crazy MLC and I don't even know who I am anymore. He is not the only one who needs time to process things... I guess I expect him to do something to clean up the mess he created and to convince me somehow that it's for real. Dreams
I've already decided that I want to go home first (I'm in Asia now) and see how things will turn out to be. Then, accordingly, I will decide what to do with my life.
Sorry, if the whole thing doesn't make much sense. Cannot write to save my life!
I agree with you there and I agree with Addie. You were taken by surprise when H called. Don't get your hopes up quickly, and I think you have this MLC down pretty well, b/c he may just have been "up" that day and tomorrow he may be back "down". It is a rollercoaster.
I think you should take some time for yourself to heal and to know what it is you want to do with your life and if you still want your H to be a part of your life or if you want to move on without him.
I am still here for you and I wish you all the best. I'll talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dear Slowly, thank you so much for stopping by, your advice is greatly appreciated...
I just started to read your thread(s) and you are such an inspiration to me. I LOVE ground rules for Slowly (love your name, too). This board is filled with hidden gems! Unfortunately it would take a lifetime to read all... I'm ready for the Withdrawal (forewarned is forearmed :)) now that I hope to see the end of the rollercoaster ride.
Oh, and I'm in the Middle East
Dear Sandi, many thanks for your invaluable support! I've read what you posted on Addie's thread as well, quite an insight into MLCer's life.
Yes, I want my H in my life more than anything. But I don't want "things the way they were", which is something he will have to understand as well. It's new life with him I'm standing for, not the old one.
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Hi Stella! Congratulations on the babystep. Just keep supporting him as much as possible and validating his feelings. He obviously sees a change in you and maybe realizes you're stronger than he thought you were.
Wow! The Middle East!! That must have been a culture shock when you first went there.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I'm really happy with the baby step! Now I need to brace myself for what's to come (Withdrawal! sigh).
Middle East WAS a culture shock ! But now I'm so used to the way things are here... part of me doesn't want to leave! (a small part )
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Definitely a positive step.. congratulations!! Now you have to do the impossible.. (at least I always have difficulty with it!!) you have to use the positive step to help you keep up the good work you've been doing without having any expectations!! If you figure out how to do that would you please do me a favour and bottle some of it up and send it to me.. I would be SOOOO appreciative!
Slowly