Next Steps for W2G

[W2G]

so instead of talking to him about how I'm feeling I'm posting it on here.

We just had the Easter talk.. technically it's his weekend with D2 and I was wondering if there was any chance I would get to spend the holiday weekend with her.. well he said that he would spend time with her on Good Friday and that I could have her for the weekend.. which I'll admit is a good thing.. the part I'm finding difficult is that he shows NO SIGN of being upset that D2 and I will not be spending Easter with him and his family this year.. why is it that it hurts me so deeply and he is completely unaffected?

Along with us spending Easter apart now he is going to have to explain to his family why D2 and I aren't there.. which he didn't want anyone to know about our separation before.. just cements that he is really making the decision to truly separate.. and it feels permanent... and it really sucks.

Anyway, I need to collect myself, put on a happy face and then go back downstairs and act as if.. thanks for listening and being here for me.

W2G

[AliSuddenly]

Hey WtG, I'm so sorry about that, it sounds tough to deal with and well done you for posting here and then pinning a smile on your face, that is so hard to do when you feel emotional.

I guess he wont show you how he feels about it, whether he has any feelings or not, and surely he must have, he would have to be made of stone to not feel some poignancy about the occassion. Its hard when they do seem to unaffected, but surely in a normal break up there would be some sadness and sentimental memories at a time like taht, so perhaps it is more of him being "shut down" and withdrawn.

Its interesting that he didnt want his family to know about the separation, and even now, you cant be sure he still wants them to, he could make an excuse, or play it down with them, you dont know. Realistically if you arent together and therefore, cant spend Easter together, perhaps he just has no choice about the arrangements and it doesnt necessarily mean that the decision to separate is "cemented"? My BF told everyone we knew (inc emailing/ texting people) the same weekend of the bomb, as if to make it absolutely final. But we are still in touch and people here tell me, well you dont know yet..wait and see.

At least he did stay in the house with you, even if it was on the sofa? I would never stay in a house with someone I had ended it with if I was truly done with them, no way! Its contact at least?

I was thinking what you said about 180s.."if I've been doing enough 180's and changing things within myself. But what I'm coming to terms with is that while yes, I do have lots I can improve upon within myself...I'm not going to change myself to become a different person so H will love me. I have to be true to myself first. He used to love who I am...so is it him that's changed? "

I feel the same about my BF, sure there were some issues, but essentially he always loved me the way I was, so why change for him and also, it is him that is behaving differently, not me. I guess all you can do is go back to the essence of you, before years of perhaps domesticity and complacency set in, sort of recapture the magic of how you were with him when you met, as opposed to actually changing your basic nature? Thats what I feel.

Keep us posted W2G as I guess he is still there..? Thinking of you..

Ali xxx
_______________
Me: 36
H: 34
T: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1379040&page=0&fpart=1

[Wooglint]

W2G,

I am glad you'll get D2 for easter. Don't give up hope. Its not over. He did stay at the house. Also, now that he is going to have to tell others about the situation then he is going to have to deal with the reality of it.

I noticed that when my W started telling people she started to change how she approached it. The reality of the situation made her uncomfortable (and just a little cranky). She didn't understand why not everyone saw her perspective.

Maybe your H needs a little reality

[JennyF]

W2G...when my H started to tell his family he used the word "separated" as if it was mutual and to them they could also have percieved it as temporary. He didn't go out of his way to give any details that's for sure. I mean, how do you say, "Grandma...I just left my wife while 8 months preggo for an OW who I've been having an A with for 9 months".
Doesn't usually go over too well. Look for him to protect himself.

I agree that the reality is a good thing for him.

the part I'm finding difficult is that he shows NO SIGN of being upset that D2 and I will not be spending Easter with him and his family this year.. why is it that it hurts me so deeply and he is completely unaffected?

If he's anything like my H...or any of the typical MLC script stuff...they are so clouded by the fog around them they can't see beyond anything but themselves. I think they do have moments where they miss things, but they can't allow themselves to admit that otherwise how could they justify what they're doing.

Also, I think when they give into things like this...letting you have D for Easter...it helps to appease their guilt. Same reason my H said to me that we'll figure out something for Easter weekend. What suddenly he has empathy for me?? They know they're already doing wrong by taking this much time away from us and our very young children...so when the holidays hit they feel even more guilty. They'd rather be without them then deal with the guilt of taking them away from us. Kind of a self-centred, yet generous gesture. Magnanamus if you will!!

Like I said, my H (although 29) has followed this script to a tee thus far...I only hope it continues to play out by the same script.
J~

[phbear316]

W2G

Just thought i would stop in and catch up. Sorry your so down about Easter, but i think someone had said to have it next weekend, and they posted it before i could.

With h due to his work schedule we would always have to alter holidays. So just have the following weekend or hey how about palm sunday now becomes you easter sunday.


Listen i say, the next weekend, you two girls need to get all dressed up, and go out for the day. I know the weather is not the best us there, but do something fun your you two. Maybe you can go to a nice little place for tea, or a nice lunch. Hey look one positive in it, here will be no lines, you won't need a reservation. It can just be girl time. Go to a toy store, go have your nails done, i know she is only 2 1/2 but so what if she messes them up. who cares. GO and have fun. Make it your special day.

Hey here is an idea that just popped into my head, get all dressed up and go have your pictures taken. I know in the mall they have those photo places, go get your hair done and nails done beautify that wonderful red hair, and have photos of you and your daughter. Even ask them if they have any easter props and could you take a few shots with them, or call them to see. If not bring an easter basket, stuffed rabbit.

You will do the right thing, you will get thru this, we will be her to help you.

hugs
bear

[W2G]

Thanks everyone...

I know you all think that I should hang in there.. but after my conversation with H today it almost seems pointless. He said he's in a haze.. and that majority of the time he thinks it's the right decision and a permanent decision for us to be apart. He said the odd time he thinks otherwise but most of the time he's sure. He said he sometimes wonders if it will take me really being gone for him to snap out of it.. he's doubtful about that though. He said that he's pretty sure that if the haze ever lifts it will be a long time from now.. but that he's certain he will look back and say "what have I done". He said that he can't ask me to wait for him because it's not fair.. especially when he doesn't think he's ever coming back. He doesn't view me as a wife... he's trying to think of me as a friend again but mostly he views me as D2's Mommy and that's it. He said when we have sex he is a man that is attracted to a woman.. he totally takes emotion and our relationship out of the equation.

Guess he told me where I stand. I was a basketcase through all of this. I am really back at square 1 at this point.. I begged and pleaded and cried... I was an absolute mess. Do I ignore everything he's said?? I know that's what DR says but he seems so determined.. and I am just so very tired.. I'm not sure if I have the strength to carry on.. I love him but is that enough, I don't know.

W2G

[JenInVen]

Gosh W2G. Your H sounds like he read the same book as my H. Sometimes I feel like giving up but then deep down inside I know that fighting for my M is the right thing to do for my family.

(((HUGS)))

Jen

[Wooglint]

W2G,

You need to ignore him for two reasons. One, he doesn't know what he is talking about. He has no idea which end is up and no clue where he is going. Why would you believe what he says? He doesn't even know why he is saying it.

The next reason is that you need to stay focused on you. You can't change him by begging, pleading and crying. You can only change him by being strong, independent and having a PMA.

I know you are strong. I've seen it here in the things you've told us. I also know you are special and you will get through this. The days get better and it's not over.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this today. I'm thinking of you.

[Kalni]

W2G,

When my H had left, he told me in my face that "it's the best for both of us, I don't feel a thing for you, nothing!!" and he was calm and sounded confident and had been thinking about it for months...(that's when I lost my temper and was screaming and yelling etc.) He even told me I am the meanest person he had ever met and that I had destroyed his life, that he would have left years (!!) ago if it wasnt for the kids...

Sounds familiar, at least some of it? Based on what he told you, I wouldn't suggest you quit. If there is something else you are seeing, I can't tell.
One I can tell you though, what you have been doing, isn't working. Let's brainstorm a bit and see what we can come up with...


K

[JennyF]

WTG,
Like Jen says...they are all reading from the same script.

They don't want to admit there's a chance and truth be told they'd rather we are thrown way off the other way to avoid false hopes. It also keeps them off the hook so they can truly do the soul searching they need to. Unfortunately he may not get to the actual soul searching part for quite some time yet.
The question is...are you in this for the long haul? And the good news is, it doesn't really matter. Because that's how I find detaching is easier when you're in the mode of..."this may work out or it may not...either way I gotta take care of me". What we have to do is the same either way. And then if he does come around you'll know if it's what you want or not.
From my point of view, I know I won't be ready to date for quite some time. So as long as I'm not dating...I'm still in effect just waiting to see what happens. I'm not waiting around. Just DB'ing for myself first and foremost.
Of course...I have a strict no dating while breastfeeding rule, but I guess every sitch is different! LOL!
I'm sorry your conversation went this way. If it helps...it's all part of the process. Bhopeful had a conversation with his WAW and a week later whe was moving back into the house.
I doubt it will be that quick...but things change. At least your H has admitted he's in a haze!
J~