Hey everyone - thank you so much for keeping up with me even when I can't keep up with myself!!
This will be a bit rambly, apologies in advance.
I have been SO busy with work I can't even believe it. Some of it was my own project and that was cool, but a lot of it was my coworker (who has my old job) came down with the flu. She has a backup who can do the little day to day stuff, but for good or bad, she and I are literally the only ones who are experts in the job. A huge issue came up the last 2 weeks that her backup would honestly have no clue how to handle, so I have been working 10-14 hour days plus had to work most of last Saturday just to keep up. Thank goodness for wireless and remote access, at least I got to work outside in the nice weather!! I am sooo sick of work. Finally have a job I like and the hours are making me crazy! On the plus side I am getting huge props at work, though. I talked to my boss a bit today and I've got some extra days off coming to me so that will help I think.
On the R front.. things are good and most of what's going bad is actually me setting myself up. I'm working hard on that.
This weekend we'll be out of town together for a race which I'm excited about. On Saturday my H runs for his license (the rest of what I've been calling racing is technically "school" for their licenses). If it goes well, Sunday will be his first actual race - pretty exciting! He's going for "Rookie of the Year" and I'm really happy for him. This has been a dream of his since he was a kid. Heck at age 2 he knew makes and models of cars! So this is a big deal for him. Unfortunately no passenger seat in the Mustang (the actual race car) sooo.. I will have to either watch from the stands or "bum" rides from other people. It'll be fun though.
haha H "hot Lady" - thanks
I'm kinda excited, I've been reading about how "traditions" and "rituals" mean a lot to men in relationships (women too but it seems moreso to men). One of H's friends actually made it onto a reality show about racing (called "Setup" for anyone who actually wants to look it up.. ). So now we have two "us nights" a week - Thursday to watch the show together and Sunday steak dinner which we've always had. Enjoying that we have a couple of regular "traditions" now.
As far as setting myself up - just an example. H brought something up the other night that bothers him. Which is SUCH a good thing. One of our big problems is/was he was afraid to bring stuff up because it'd hurt me (and we all know where that leads). So... he told me about something bothering him (in a nutshell me going into to much detail about little day to day things and it's too much for him to "process"). It should have been no big deal - he even prepped me by saying "Can I talk to you about something without you getting upset? I want to tell you something about how my brain works without making you mad." He told me.. and it should have been NO big deal.. and I totally lost it. When he said "It's just too much for me to process all those details" I heard "If you talk too much about anything I'm leaving you again." I was SO mad at myself. I burst into tears and clammed up completely. He kept hugging and kissing me and saying "No no, I just wanted you to understand how I think, don't stop talking I just can't take it all in when you keep going into all those details .. "
I took some deep breaths and realized how huge it was that he even brought it up. Finally got myself together and said "Thank you for telling me, it's so much better than NOT telling me." He nodded and hugged me again. The next morning as he was leaving for work I said "Thanks for talking to me." He said "sure" and came back for another hug/kiss, hoping that was good.
So.. good thing is he opened up, but I am so upset with myself for how I reacted. I guess the good thing is I acknowledged and apologized for it.. trying to focus on both that, and how to do better next time. I know I should have opened up to him too.. still pretty afraid, I guess.
He invited me to dinner the other night with him and his mom - that shocked me! It was a bit awkward but overall I think it went OK.
Oh, another positive, the other night I said "I feel like I'm falling into a rut, I need to get outta here for a weekend or something!" H immediately came back with "Me too!! We should go away to Tahoe for a weekend." Wow that was cool. I have been wanting to do something together but afraid suggesting a weekend away was too "pressure-y" so this was great. We shall see if it happens.. either way I am planning a weekend getaway for myself (and by myself) soon. From reward points I have a free night at a Hyatt saved up that has to be used before 4/1, so figure I'll find a night to use that.
Another funny thing - waterbed sprung a leak and while my side was dry H's was all soaked, but of course we didn't realize it til bed time and H didn't want to fix it. I suggested we could sleep in "my" room (in that bed I bought but never slept in). H said "Nah that's OK I slept on one of those before and it was really uncomfortable." I must have looked confused or something because right away he said "At my sister's. My sister has one. I slept on one at her house." (I haven't been to her new apartment so she may have one, dunno). I told him I had a featherbed topper for it and he looked very confused.
Sorry, like I said, rambly post!!
And just realized a lot of it is very H focused. Lately my life is "work, come home and catch up with H, go to bed" so there's not a lot else! I do have some fun meetup things coming up though, so will enjoy those and post more about them soon.
I am SO sorry for people I've lost track of lately. I do truly think about everyone here daily, even when I don't have time to post my thoughts and hugs.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
awe nik, I know how easy it is to get scared and defensive by comments like that. He really did come at it in the right way, and I'm sorry you weren't able to be confident enough to handle it the way you would have liked. It happens. It was our character, and it's tough to break that. It was good that you apolized for it quickly and thanked him for his openness. Now we can see how hard it is for guys to tell us things because they don't want us to get upset, and that's usually what we do.
I did almost laugh about his comment, because that is SOOO true of guys. Us women multitask like crazy, and we have multiple thoughts going on in our minds. Take a group of ladies, going from one conversation to the next. Guys don't do that. Guys can't handle that. their brain goes into overload. I even read about commercial analysts or makers that purposely make commercials targeted towards men to be simpler to understand because of that same reason.
sorry guys. no offense. maybe that's why you think we're all crazy and can't figure us out... we've got a million things going on in our heads.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
maybe that's why you think we're all crazy and can't figure us out... we've got a million things going on in our heads.
I think I've got the first 900,000 that revolve around shoes and chocolate, but I still can't figure out what the other 100,000 are!
Hi Nik! I think you are doing pretty darned good. Youjust have very high expectations of yourself! It takes a lot of time a practice to change behavior patterns. Basically, 4 stages: 1. Recognizing negative pattern after the fact. 2. Recognizing the behavior while you are doing it and stopping yourself 3. Catching yourself before you start the pattern and self correcting 4. Internalization of new, positive pattern.
You are moving along nicely on so many of the things that were negatives between you and your H. In some areas (GALing vs. co-dependence/pursuing) you are a role model for all of us!
Have a great race, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Glad to hear things are going well. Hopefully work slows down soon. I'm glad your H talked to you and that you are both making progress in your interactions.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I think I've got the first 900,000 that revolve around shoes and chocolate, but I still can't figure out what the other 100,000 are!
OK I owe a longer post soon but had to reply to this...
Is it bad that I LOOOVE 100+ MPH on the track but I really don't care about chocolate or shoes???? (am I crazy????)
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
haha nik, and I would LOVE to be in your shoes when your traveling 100+ on the track! but I'd rather be in a 57 corvette when doing it. and I hate chocolate, but I LOVE shoes.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Dang, just when I thought I had women figured out, 3 women post and not one is obsessed with both shoes and chocolate. I guess I have a lot more to learn!
Seriously though, Nik I think it is totally cool that you are into the racing thing. Hope that is something that will draw you two together!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
But SD... you missed the part that all 3 of us DO have in common: riding/driving on a racetrack!! Didn't expect that one, did ya?
I owe a longer update, but I have been working 12+ hour days again and I am so incredibly far behind at home, I've barely had time to catch my breath nevermind read/post here. I'll be on again soon though.
Short version is.. I dunno what happened exactly but it's like a switch has flipped in my H's head, at least for now. Things are going very well and we are treating each other MUCH more like H/W lately. I'm almost getting brave enough to try "Piecing" (as a forum) again. I think we've been working at it through baby steps for awhile now.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
that is wonderful to hear Nik! can't wait to hear more specific details
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
). So now we have two "us nights" a week - Thursday to watch the show together and Sunday steak dinner which we've always had. Enjoying that we have a couple of regular "traditions" now.
maybe that's why you think we're all crazy and can't figure us out... we've got a million things going on in our heads.