to anyone out there who has had to deal with OW or OM, please give to me some advice on how you were/are able to deal with the obsession of the OP and the mental images of spouse with the OP. this is driving me crazy. H is now back home after living with OW for 8 months but the thoughts of them together are killing me.
I can sympathize completely. My W had an EA with a man who was a mutual friend and had been our guest a couple times at the lake last summer. In working through the aftermath, my W has been very open and answered any question that I have asked. I have a strong need to know. But I can hear phone calls that I was not in on. I have been to dinners that I did not attend. And a hotel that I never went to. In detail. Until this experience, I've always considered my ability to visualize things to be a gift.
This past weekend was our first trip to the lake this summer. I was in a rage all Friday evening and all day Saturday just being where I knew it all started.
As for coping with it, I have explained it to my W so she knows that I'm still having to deal with it. It does seem to be in decline as we continue to work on our relationship.
There is a book by Janis Spring "After the Affair" which is helping my W and I . She had an A and we are still working through the issues, but this book has helped us understand and express our feelings about the A. It gives a good perspective from both sides as far as feelings and describing what you need to be able to move on.
For me the visualizations took some time to go away, but they did. They come back every once in a while, but with some of the suggestions I know how to tell my W what I need from her as far as reassurances when I do remember.
How can I let H know what I need when these images come up without seeming too needy or pushy. He is home but is still working on getting that loving feeling back for me. also working with C on his own issues. I too have this tremendous need to know and the knowing hurts. how do i find a middle ground. I have read after the affair and gave to H to read. He has yet to do so. The book was good but I find myself constantly comparing myself to her
I know it is hard and I feel your pain, but you must not compare yourself to the OW. If your husband is not reading the book, you have to wait until he is ready to commit. This is the hardest part. If you read my thread you will see I'm in a similar sitc. My wife will not commit and is spending massive amounts of time with OM. It is a constant struggle to not think of him. These are the times that I focus on really working hard on me and the kids. Do something he would be jelous he missed out on.
I wish there was some magic formula for ridding your mind of images of your H with OW. Unfortunately there isn't. My H had an A that lasted about 4 months (he never left me for her and when I found out he ended it -incidently she lives out of town so he doesn't see her anymore either). I found pictures,cards and letters from her so I know what she looks like and I know some of the places they went and some of the things they did. It has taken me a year of obcessing,imagining them together and closing my eyes and seeing her face to get to the point where I don't break down and cry. Her face is a dim image now and fading more as time passes. I still every now and then think about some things they did but they don't cause the horrible pain that it used to. I sometimes just let the thoughts come and I have learned to deal with them and as I let them filter through my head I tell myself "he loves me,he stayed with me and he never loved her and it is OVER!" I believe that time does heal. It isn't easy and it does take time to get passed an A but it can be done. I know everyone has his or her own personal way of getting over heartache and pain. You and you alone know what you are capable of handling and dealing with. My H did answer some questions about the A but I really don't know what was the truth and what wasn't because at the time I didn't feel I could believe anything he said. I did have her letters to go by so I had some answers. Was I better off not knowing? In my case I don't think so. I would have gone out of my mind wondering. Some people don't need to know things and can go on without information. I too saw her picture and it helped me to see that she wasn't anything special. She was just a plain,ordinary everyday woman and she was only 5 years younger than me. This was information that helped me come to grips with certain things that I would have obcessed about for a long long time. It is really hard to explain to someone how I got past the A and how I have managed to stay sane and not go crazy by thinking about it constantly. I have to admit that I discovered that I was a stronger person that even I had had thought I was! I have never talked to anyone in my family or even confided in my closest friends. I prayed a LOT and that has helped me get through it more than anything. Coming here and talking and listening to other people has been a tremendous help!! I don't know if I have helped you in anyway but I hope so. I am here anytime you need to talk,rant,rave,cuss,yell or discuss anything!! There are a lot of good,caring people here that will do the same. Hang in there and keep posting!!pfroglady
thanks dean, committed and pfroglady. I appreciate the help. I am totally committed to making this work and I am trying to rid myself of thoughts of OW. It was driving me crazy not knowing what she looked like as she knows what I look like and the kids (she attended son's college baseball games and sat in the stands away from H to check us all out, what a creep) so last week I did the same to her, stupid I admit. I drove to where she works (delivers mail) and saw her and I believe that is what is causing the nightmares and obessive thoughts of recent. She is eight years younger, trim and athletic looking, long blonde weaved hair and quite attractive. She has a great complection with carmel colored skin as she is a mix of some sort of asian influence and hispanic. I am 42, the total white girl, overweight (but working on it actively), dark hair and never even at my lightest weight will look like her. She is very similiar to H. Tall and trim. A friend that was with me on my covert mission says I am much prettier that she but as a package, she is pretty much perfect. God, when he touches me does he image her perfect body? No wonder the physical part of our relationship has not come around yet. I know I am being hard on myself, but this all still hurts so much. Time will be my friend, huh? I hope so.
Hi Debra, I'm div. but was on your side of the affairs/cheating and believe me, it is better if you don't know too much about the ow. I don't think you should have gone to see her, now it is worse for you.... Don't think he is imagining her, he is WITH you.....let that be a comfort to you. Don't be down on yourself....there is alot more to a person than their looks ok? In your situation, you are obsessing that this woman is the "perfect" woman and that she is "beautiful" in every aspect.....don't do that to yourself... although I have always been/stayed thin, lost the weight from my 3 kids within a short time, always had my clothes, hair, makeup perfect, you name it,.....my ex cheated and ended up leaving us for a girl who is more on the masculine side than the feminine side, and with an adolescent body....go figure..... There is no explanation and it isn't a reflection on YOU.....trust me!!!!! You are better off not asking about their times together.....you don't need any more thoughts torturing you.....Don't worry about her, focus on your marriage....if you don't, it will slip through the cracks as you are focusing on ow or why he was with her.....she isn't worth it........
just an after thought.... you mentioned the physical aspect of your relationship.... my ex was physically satisfied at home. we were intimate AT LEAST 5 times a week, usually daily and often MORE (even after over 11 years of marriage!!) and he STILL cheated on me I have seen people on the board who blame themselves for their lack of physical closeness or intimacy as the reason their spouse cheated.... I don't buy it..... It's a problem the cheater has within themselves and they will find any excuse to cheat if that is what they want to do.....
I agree with Elusive..the OW is NOT worth your thoughts!! If you know your H is sorry for what he did and if he is doing all he can to make it up to you and actively working toward making your marriage better,you can't allow thoughts of this B**** hinder your progress (easy to say I know). I was afraid at first that thoughts of my H being intimate with the XOW would interfere when we resumed the physical part of our relationship (which I am relieved to say was just a few days after I discovered the A and he called her and broke it off). I forced my mind to consentrate on the fact that I loved my H,he loved me,he was with me and how good it felt to be close with him (and the way he was making me feel). It was easy for me and I really can't explain why. Oh,I did later have these crazy thoughts about the XOW. Even though I knew she wasn't young,slim,trim and pretty I wondered if she was "better in bed",did she do the same things for and to him that I do,was her body better (she looked a tad plump but I knew I was overweight and had lots of stretch marks) and a few other assorted things. But as I said over time,those thoughts have vanished. I never think abpout her while we are being intimate. I mentioned these things to my H once when we were having a good talk and he did what he could to reassure me. By the way I have lost 80 pounds since I learned of the A and it ended!! I did it FOR ME!! My self esteem has never been all that great and when I discovered the A it sunk to an all time low. The weight loss and a few other changes have helped me tremendously. My H reaps the benefits but I did it for myself. Your H needs to maybe do more to reassure you of his love and affection for you. He needs to show you that you are desirable to him. I really feel that if he does these things,in time you will see that the thoughts of the XOW have all but disappeared. People can tell you what they do or what they would do in your situation but the bottom line is YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU!! ONLY YOU CAN DETERMINE WHAT YOU CAN OR CAN'T DEAL WITH!! Time is on your side - I am living proof that it can get better with time!! Take your time,move forward at your own pace and take things one day and one step at a time!! I'll be here for you and will have you in my thoughts and prayers!! pfroglady
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