Thanks for responding. I have done the act "as if" we're going to come out of this all right. For the past 13 months, I've done it all on my own with no help from H, no CS, no SS, nothing. H also told me that he thought that I didn't love him any more, said that I never called, never contacted him. So I started to contact him. He loves it. Well, decided to talk a bit about this the other day. H wants to help out So, this led to our having an R discussion on the day we went to celebrate DD's birthday after she had come inside. Then we set up a time to talk a lot more without the kids being around. Had to go for a walk to have privacy. My mother lives with me as I had to move her out, too, when MIL evicted us.
Both H and I have been under a lot of misconceptions about the other, due to miscommunication and no communication and assumptions during the last several years, even while we were married. MIL had a great deal to do with this. But basically, we had just stopped communicating on any kind of level.
So we just started talking to each other and a lot of things have finally come out in the open and I hope are going to work out.
H has worked at a job that he hated for 30 years. His mother told him that if he quit, she wouldn't help him get another one. She told me that about him one time and I told her that she had only suggested that he go and apply, that he was the one who had actually put in the time on the job for 30 years, not her. She can't stand me because I stood up to her. Her daughter has done the same thing, and she can't stand my SIL either.
The only thing that H has ever wanted to do was to farm full time instead of part-time. The place that we lived on had been in his family for close to 160 years, but H did not own it. His mother did and now she is threatening to sell it out from under him. You have to understand first that H's mother is a very controlling person and H is finally starting to see this. So now here he is 50 years old, no place of his own, not able to farm except the way that mommy wants him to (that's not going over to well, he's striking out on his own anyway), but he is major depressed because it can't just be any place, has to be THAT place. His mother will wind up selling it. She loves money, not people, and she loves control. At least H's eyes are open. H told me the other day that the only reason she is trying to fix it up is so that she can sell it. We made a lot of very expensive improvements over there ourselves during our marriage, but she won't acknowledge any of it. I feel so bad for H. My grandfather went through something similar with a house that he felt that he was buying from family, without a written agreement, and it was taken away from him because they told him that he wasn't buying, that he was paying rent. I happen to know better, but there was nothing in writing. He just felt that family wouldn't do him that way. Now I see the same thing happening to my H and my heart just breaks for him.
We did talk about working on R and the changes that would have to be made. We also talked about taking it slow (heck we dated for 5 years before we got married) and not rushing back into anything but working on being friends again (we're doing pretty well in that department I think) for the kids, and for us.
We started laughing and H said that if we got married again, he wants to wear a white tux and I said I wanted a big diamond ring. He said that sounded fair to him Of course, I know that he was being goofy, but at least we can joke about it.
Right now, I just need to remember patience. H can farm anywhere and he knows that I'll be behind him 100%, but he also knows that his mother cannot be allowed through the boundaries of our R if we get that far. I can't go through that again, I won't go through that again. I did tell H about the house that I'm trying to buy and he said that he would come help move and put up paint. He also came up with some suggestions on getting the payments down a bit.
We talked about the insurance. I need to have surgery and H wants me to go ahead and have it this year because we've met all of the family deductibles and he said this way I won't be out any money. He even offered to drive me to Nashville and stay with me.
We're going to come through this and somehow emerge together and stronger.
Any other suggestions or is there anything else that I need to be looking at right now? I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, because this is so much better than it was last year at this time.
So, this led to our having an R discussion on the day we went to celebrate DD's birthday after she had come inside. Then we set up a time to talk a lot more without the kids being around. Had to go for a walk to have privacy. My mother lives with me as I had to move her out, too, when MIL evicted us.
Of course, I know that he was being goofy, but at least we can joke about it.
