JJ, Thanks for answering! H will be over tomorrow and things are getting better. I have stopped OW talk and so has my H. Infact he avoids OW talk even to my D's, at all costs! And that is a 180 on his part, he made no bones about him telling our D's he was with OW, now he bends over backwards to keep this information from all of us!
If someone were to say to you, "Whatever you do, don't think of a pink elephant!", what's the first vision that pops into your head?! A pink elephant, right?!
So goes it with ow's and om's. The more that you remind your partner of them, the more likely they are to think about them.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: So goes it with ow's and om's. The more that you remind your partner of them, the more likely they are to think about them.
I agree! And instead of saying "out of sight, out of mind" I would rather say "out of mind, out of sight" I figure if I mention no part of H OW, then soon she won't exist!
I love this thread! I know that my H has been going through MLC and think that it started right about the time that his dad died.
Over the past couple of weeks, we've started having R talks, initiated by H I owned up to my 50% for the failure of our marriage, and he owned up to the other half. That is a good start I think. Friday when he was here, we went for a long walk and walked and talked a great deal. He said that he knew that I was severely depressed and had been for a long time in our marriage. I apologised for the house always looking messy and H said that well he had lived there too and could have helped me more. Anyway, he still wants a D, but is talking about us starting a new R. I asked why we had to get a D to start a new R, and he said that he's afraid we'll end up back the way that we were. He says that he likes the new me, not in love with me, but does like me and wants to spend time with me. Is this still MLC or what? I'm trying to be patient and give him space. If he wants the D, I won't fight him on it. I don't really want it, but I feel like it's like every thing else in our marriage. If H wanted to do it or get something, then I saw to it that it happened. Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated. I still love H and don't really want a D, but at this point, I don't know what else to do.
Something that H said to me the other day convinced me beyond all doubt that he is in MLC. He told me that it had suddenly dawned on him that he was 50 years old and hadn't accomplished anything of importance in his life, that he wasn't 30 any more and couldn't do all of the things that he used to be able to do, but that he wasn't going to spend the rest of his life being unhappy. Am I on the right track here?
I think it's great that the two of you are being able to start talking a bit! Although the subject matter might not always be exactly what you want it to be, I think you're off to a great start! What things are you doing that you think makes it easier for him to open up to you a bit more during these conversations?
As for the D subject, yes, be patient with this. I've seen so many cases here where a spouse was sooo sure they wanted a D, but for some reason, they kept dragging their feet on completing the process. You might want to do like we talked about above, and not even mention anything about the D. Keep your focus off of it, and concentrate on making the most of your time together.
He told me that it had suddenly dawned on him that he was 50 years old and hadn't accomplished anything of importance in his life, that he wasn't 30 any more and couldn't do all of the things that he used to be able to do
Yep, this seems to be so common. Even with guys that age that aren't technically going through MLC. There seems to be something about turning 40 and 50 that can trigger it. Add to that his Father's passing away, and it's easy to understand why he might be taking a look at where his life is. Through his own perceptions at this time.
The hard part for you is to try to recognise the fact that it really may not be all about you, and your marriage. I'm sure at times that this is what he lashes out at for being the reasons, but it usually goes much deeper than that. It's often a time when a guy looks back on what his dreams were when he was younger, and realizes that things don't always work out exactly as planned. Not so much that things are bad, just that they aren't what they thought they would be 20 or 30 years ago. So much to do, and so little time left.
What were some of his dreams when he was younger? What things did he want to get accomplished in life? Places to go, people to meet? Ambitions that were unmet? Have the two of you ever talked about this at all?
If he were to be able to write a eulogy for his own memorial services, what do you think he'd like to be able to say about his life?
What important contributions has he made in his lifetime as a person that you think he might overlook, may have minimized, and/or might not think have been appreciated?
I'll stop here for now!
Last edited by Jamesjohn; 09/01/0305:46 PM.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks for responding. I have done the act "as if" we're going to come out of this all right. For the past 13 months, I've done it all on my own with no help from H, no CS, no SS, nothing. H also told me that he thought that I didn't love him any more, said that I never called, never contacted him. So I started to contact him. He loves it. Well, decided to talk a bit about this the other day. H wants to help out So, this led to our having an R discussion on the day we went to celebrate DD's birthday after she had come inside. Then we set up a time to talk a lot more without the kids being around. Had to go for a walk to have privacy. My mother lives with me as I had to move her out, too, when MIL evicted us.
Both H and I have been under a lot of misconceptions about the other, due to miscommunication and no communication and assumptions during the last several years, even while we were married. MIL had a great deal to do with this. But basically, we had just stopped communicating on any kind of level.
So we just started talking to each other and a lot of things have finally come out in the open and I hope are going to work out.
H has worked at a job that he hated for 30 years. His mother told him that if he quit, she wouldn't help him get another one. She told me that about him one time and I told her that she had only suggested that he go and apply, that he was the one who had actually put in the time on the job for 30 years, not her. She can't stand me because I stood up to her. Her daughter has done the same thing, and she can't stand my SIL either.
The only thing that H has ever wanted to do was to farm full time instead of part-time. The place that we lived on had been in his family for close to 160 years, but H did not own it. His mother did and now she is threatening to sell it out from under him. You have to understand first that H's mother is a very controlling person and H is finally starting to see this. So now here he is 50 years old, no place of his own, not able to farm except the way that mommy wants him to (that's not going over to well, he's striking out on his own anyway), but he is major depressed because it can't just be any place, has to be THAT place. His mother will wind up selling it. She loves money, not people, and she loves control. At least H's eyes are open. H told me the other day that the only reason she is trying to fix it up is so that she can sell it. We made a lot of very expensive improvements over there ourselves during our marriage, but she won't acknowledge any of it. I feel so bad for H. My grandfather went through something similar with a house that he felt that he was buying from family, without a written agreement, and it was taken away from him because they told him that he wasn't buying, that he was paying rent. I happen to know better, but there was nothing in writing. He just felt that family wouldn't do him that way. Now I see the same thing happening to my H and my heart just breaks for him.
We did talk about working on R and the changes that would have to be made. We also talked about taking it slow (heck we dated for 5 years before we got married) and not rushing back into anything but working on being friends again (we're doing pretty well in that department I think) for the kids, and for us.
We started laughing and H said that if we got married again, he wants to wear a white tux and I said I wanted a big diamond ring. He said that sounded fair to him Of course, I know that he was being goofy, but at least we can joke about it.
Right now, I just need to remember patience. H can farm anywhere and he knows that I'll be behind him 100%, but he also knows that his mother cannot be allowed through the boundaries of our R if we get that far. I can't go through that again, I won't go through that again. I did tell H about the house that I'm trying to buy and he said that he would come help move and put up paint. He also came up with some suggestions on getting the payments down a bit.
We talked about the insurance. I need to have surgery and H wants me to go ahead and have it this year because we've met all of the family deductibles and he said this way I won't be out any money. He even offered to drive me to Nashville and stay with me.
We're going to come through this and somehow emerge together and stronger.
Any other suggestions or is there anything else that I need to be looking at right now? I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, because this is so much better than it was last year at this time.
I owned up to my 50% for the failure of our marriage, and he owned up to the other half. That is a good start I think. Friday when he was here, we went for a long walk and walked and talked a great deal. He said that he knew that I was severely depressed and had been for a long time in our marriage. I apologised for the house always looking messy and 
H said that well he had lived there too and could have helped me more. Anyway, he still wants a D, but is talking about us starting a new R. I asked why we had to get a D to start a new R, and he said that he's afraid we'll end up back the way that we were. He says that he likes the new me, not in love with me, but does like me and wants to spend time with me. Is this still MLC or what? I'm trying to be patient and give him space. If he wants the D, I won't fight him on it. I don't really want it, but I feel like it's like every thing else in our marriage. If H wanted to do it or get something, then I saw to it that it happened. 
Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated. I still love H and don't really want a D, but at this point, I don't know what else to do.
Of course, I know that he was being goofy, but at least we can joke about it.