JJ, I am way on the other side of ever benefitting from a "cure" but it's my opinion that one of the underlying problems when someone goes through an emotional crises is depression. I have always felt that if my husband had agreed to treatment of his depression that we would have had a chance.
I think as the spouse of a man who is going through "MLC" that is it important to put some effort into understanding the feelings of depression. Also, men react differently to depression than women do. A woman suffering clinical depression with internalize her feelings and blame herself. A man will externalize it and blame others for the way he feels. That is why we see such anger toward their spouses when men go into "MLC."
When someone we love and have always felt secure with does a 180 on use and becomes angry, dismissive and down right hurtful it's human nature to want to react to those actions. I think if we take the time to try and understand what it driving his actions then we are more able to react with a sense of empathy.
I think it is a me, me , me mentality that we see from the person in "MLC" that is based in fear and confusion. Whats the first thing you do when you feel fear or confusion? You try to find an explanation. If you aren't coming from a healthy place emotionally then more than likely you are not going to be able to correctly explain what is causing your pain.
I guess what I am trying to say is, as hard as it might be, if you are dealing with a spouse in MLC and want to try and save your marriage you have to be willing to empathize with some of their crazy behavior. Their perception of reality may seem skewed to you but it is their perception and if you aren't willing to try and see it from their perception you are going to have a battle on your hands. Cathy
My H has been in this tunnel for 6 yrs. It's been tough on all of us (3 sons). His behavior can be very erratic. I noticed a real change when his mom died. This was followed by his sister moving her family in with Pop, and the whole sibling thing started again. Sister was the "princess". There are probably as amny "triggers" as there are people. We've been the whole route, and I thought were on track. Not so, we live apart. He has been calling alot lately, for any excuse. The sons (21,23,25) have decided to talk to him about counseling. He has gone in the past, but when they want to meet the wife, all the lies come out. Patience is something I have had to learn. He had a great job, salary, etc. You are right, they certainly do preceive things differently.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
That big black-hole that it seems most of our spouses eventually fall into that ruins our lives.
Either men, or women.
It seems to be unavoidable, seems to be uncontrollable.
What can be done? That's what I'd like to know! Right now I'm not pursuing (Trying anyway) Being upbeat when he is there. Giving him a hug once in awhile, a kiss if he wants one. I'm friendly, help him while he is doing yardwork. I give him drinks while he is there. Give him encouragement in his hobbies.
Do you treat the "disease", or do you treat the "dis-ease"? I think of it as a disease, I don't know what to do or how to treat it. Do you try to take care of them, or do you try to take care of yourself? I'm trying to take care of myself right now.
Do you wait it out, and hope that they come to their senses? I'm waiting, but how long is it going to take!
Or do you take charge, and start making some changes in your relationship? I don't know if I'm doing the right things. I want to make changes in relationship and I'm trying a few things;listed above. Plus I compliment him once in a while. I'm thinking of flirting too?
Where do you start to set boundaries? I don't encourage talk of OW and he is starting to get the message.
Where do you start letting compassion and empathy influence your course of action? I feel the compassion and empathy, what do I do with it? I do think of it as a disease. And I see H is not happy, but I'm not sure how I can help.
How long do you just "wait"? When do you take action? What kind of action should I take? I'm willing to wait as long as I can.
What "180's", "Do Something's Different", "More of What Works", etc,. can you do to help bring you to better solutions to the "MLC Crisis"?! I'm trying to find what work and keep doing it, but things have been on hold, he is staying away again
There's soooo much great information on this website, that I finally just read this post of yours for the first time and I agree with others that you hit the nail right on the head when you said MLC is a "dis-ease" with one's current life or achievements at the point at which a person decides to stop and take stock of who and where they are.
If their tally says "not happy with the assessment", they make a drastic change, often involving another new person who shows promise to help them either make their life more exciting, or to achieve something they desire to achieve, but haven't yet been able to do so far in life.
In my H's case, when he became severely jealous and pushed me away, he lost his "trophy" wife who always lifted him up and encouraged him and told him he could do anything he put his mind to. So he went in search of a new trophy to feed his ego, and someone who other men would envy him for having at his side.
But he's realizing that she really doesn't have all the qualities that I have, so I think he's reaching a new point of taking stock again, and is possibly about to make another drastic change, but with MLC, who knows what that change will really be.
It's just too bad that affairs seem to be what many turn to as their first drastic change to "ease" their "dis-ease" because affairs are such "instant feel goods". It's sad because of the deep scars and permanent damage that affairs cause.
Hopefully people who haven't separated yet, but are reading posts on this website, can recognize the symptoms of their spouse's "dis-ease" and can come up with some kind of "instant feel-good" offer that would show their love and support of their spouse and would also prevent their spouse from resorting to an affair to achieve that "instant feel-good".
I wish I could have known the moment my H had reached that point, because I might have handled things a little differently at that time.
Keep up the good work on this thread! It's a very helpful thread.
JPDW, Did you check on the post in MLC "the 6 stages of MLC". Well, it opened my eyes and now I can get a grip on what H is going through I'm on such a high right now just from reading it, I made 2 copies.My H is inbetween Replay and Depression. Now I understand why he stopped coming over and why he seemed depressed. The more I learn the stronger I feel. "I can climb any mountain" Some people wonder how I can start to forgive H and look past what he has done to me. Because he is going through MLC it is a sickness and has to be run on it's course. I'm very thankful for this site and all the help I receive here without this site and the support I get I would of been D by now. So, even if my story might not end up as a happy ending, at least I will be able to say I climbed to the top. But I think I have a chance to save this M otherwise I wouldn't be here. This is the first weekend that I've been this happy. I could do the happy dance.(((()))) hugs to all today, I plan on being this weekend. I can see the light! Deb
Janey, I have been reading your posts and they are a lot of help. I need to save up for a phone consultation. I'm getting so much support here. I have seen a lot of progress with my H instantly as soon as I started using the DR method. I can't tell you how it made mt PMA soar. I couldn't believe that it started working so soon. I started using it on June 11. WOW! I went from seeing H every 10 days to H every 2-5 days apart. I did the 180 by telling H I no longer wanted D (I filed) and its been getting better and better. It's just small baby steps, but I'm glad I'm seeing progress! I have been up now for 6 days, no set backs. I'm learning "what works" and keep doing pushing the buttons that work. I give H lots of space and found out "no calling" works too. I liked the "6 satges of MLC" and learned what H was going through, I think it is wonderful to understand the different stages they go through and this saved me from thinking I was going nuts . I am so happy for you! Keep DB and DRing and I hope all is going good for you! Deb
JJ, I'm having a problem with my MLC H: I need advice. Everything was going very well with H. Now I feel like the walls are tumbling down! Last night I received a call from a utility company (electric) , they said if $271 isn't paid by Monday they will shut off electricity! H is under court order to pay this bill. And I've been finding out he has not paid phone bill or medical bills, all these are court ordered to be paid by him. I called him last night and told him that I had received a call from the company and what they said. I asked him if he was going to be paying the bill by monday, he said he sent them part of the money, I said I think they want all of it. I asked him to call the company and talk to them about it, I asked if he needed the phone #, he said he had the papers so he would call. What should I do? I feel like I'm backed against a wall here! I don't want to have to call my L and tell him thatH is not paying these bills, it will only make everything worse between us, but I feel like I will have no choice if H doesn't take care of this problem. H is not be responsible and I know he has bought animals and has a big feed bill, but that is not my fault. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to file for a legal separation. If I have to do that it will only put me back at square one with our R. I'm so sad and unhappy, we were getting along so well and I had been seeing alot of baby steps... Please give ne your input on this so I can make a decision. Should I have a talk with H... Should I just wait and see if company shuts us off? Help! Deb
Wow, I've come a long way since this last post! I was reading my Dr book this morning and something came to me; I've said something very wrong to my H. When I talk to him and refer to the future I'm make it sound like I'm not in his future and it is with OW. Maybe I should start "acting as if" he is in my future! Did I hit on something here!?
I'm on such a high right now just from reading it, I made 2 copies.My H is inbetween Replay and Depression. Now I understand why he stopped coming over and why he seemed depressed. The more I learn the stronger I feel. "I can climb any mountain" Some people wonder how I can start to forgive H and look past what he has done to me. Because he is going through MLC it is a sickness and has to be run on it's course. I'm very thankful for this site and all the help I receive here without this site and the support I get I would of been D by now. So, even if my story might not end up as a happy ending, at least I will be able to say I climbed to the top. But I think I have a chance to save this M otherwise I wouldn't be here. This is the first weekend that I've been this happy. I could do the happy dance.(((()))) hugs to all today, I plan on being 
Deb 
Please give ne your input on this so I can make a decision. Should I have a talk with H... Should I just wait and see if company shuts us off? Help! Deb