understanding the waw

[sage]

LL -- I'm sorry that you are in such a rough spot right now! Anxious to the point of nausea? Girlfriend, we've got to get you back on solid ground!

if you are aware of the fact that your w has a new tendancy toward having anxitey attacks as a result of the trauma you caused by having an a and leaving her...and on occassion she doesn't feel well but most often keeps the little stirrings to herself...

if you are not in a place (meaning time of day, alertness, etc) to hear her out and have something to offer in return...why the hell would you ask about it???

So, I read your exchange with h. He was sensitive (alert?) enough to recognize that you haven't been well and asks about it. You were straightforward in your response to him about the reasons.

You say "h gets frustrated" -- what does that mean exactly??

Does he say, "I'm frustrated with this! I've answered this question already!"? Or, are you interpreting his silence/answers/body language?

He sits in silence and then says he's sorry. (he "can only say I'm sorry")

LL, in terms of a VERBAL response, what else CAN he say to you? I'm sorry actually sounds like a lot....are you hoping that he'll ask you how he can help you with your feelings?

I'm not trying to be a pain here...what would you need to hear to feel better?

I am left feeling empty...alone...unloved...just the wife he had to come home to...

Same question -- what could h do to make you feel differently? I've seen this before in some of your posts -- the sense (??) that h HAD to come home as opposed to choosing to come home?

h doesn't understand how I feel...

h doesn't understand that despite the fact that he's home...he's left this woman believing he's in love with her...

Is he in love with her? Has he told you that he is or was?

I can understand the frustration with this...it hurts like hell to know that our h's gave what we thought was OURS to someone else and that somehow, the ow get to KEEP it -- the feeling that our h's were "in love" with them but are somehow "stuck" (??) with us. What would it take to convince you that h is not STUCK with you? (Sage, ask yourself the same question).

she can say that...my h is in love with her...that is not something that I can say...yes I can say he loves me..he cares about me...but that he chooses to be with me...that he is in love with me...that I cannot say...

Why do you believe that ow has your h's "in love" feelings and that you do not?

h as is typical has nothing to say....

duh!!! cave man....walk over to your w hug her and say I love you LL....and I'll never hurt you again.

so...have you read "men are from mars"?? I've been listening to it and was going to suggest it to you...parts of it are a bit over the top imho, but, I gotta say that a lot of it has hit home for me...if you haven't read it, I'd strongly suggest it to you.

Supposedly, on "mars" no one offers help...it's only given if requested. What if you had said to h "I'm not blaming you for the way that I feel and I know that you can't solve this for me. Would you give me a hug? I know I would find that reassuring."

look back and see....LL had more of a life when h didn't live here...LL had more free time...more time to herself...despite h's seasonal business...he was here alone taking care of the kids all day every sunday...and at least two nights a week from 5pm on.....now h doesn't get home most nights til 7 and is in bed by 9...and sundays?? well he's here...but you guessed it....he's not taking care of the kids I am...he's working in the yard....

Time to carve off some free time for LL ... I know that you mention that later in your post.

I think it's time for LL to send herself some more flowers...she is special after all

That she IS!!!

I put a note in h's lunch today "I love and appreciate all that you do for us" h didn't acknowledge it...said lunch was good thank you...I asked if he ate it all...yes he said..did you empty the bag...yes he said...since your not saying anything perhaps you need to clean out your truck...oh yeah...I got your note...that was nice...I should have called you right away but employee was there...

So...here's the dilemma -- you made a lovely gesture and expected a particular response from h. As impossible as it is, can you make the gestures w/o expecting something from him?

Interspersed in your post -- between the lines of hurt and disappointment -- you find some of your own solutions -- get a life for LL, start new projects, etc. I guess all I'd add is what if you tried to let go of the expecation and resentment of h -- the belief that you are doing much more to foster the r than he is? (I'm not saying that you're not -- just saying what if you moved away from that resting place?)

What are you going to do for YOU today, LL?

Sage