if you are aware of the fact that your w has a new tendancy toward having anxitey attacks as a result of the trauma you caused by having an a and leaving her...and on occassion she doesn't feel well but most often keeps the little stirrings to herself...
if you are not in a place (meaning time of day, alertness, etc) to hear her out and have something to offer in return...why the hell would you ask about it???
the other morning after eating pancakes with h and kiddos I felt a tad naseas...yes some anxiety due to my own stupidity of looking into ow's open house bit...when I get naseaus now h immediately questions "anxiety?" a little I say and leave it at that knowing he doesn't like to hear the truth.
so then tonight while sitting on the deck h out of no where asks how I've been feeling....if I've gotten sick....
I let him know a little here and there but no big deal...
h asks if I'm eating...yes says I....
H asks why the occassional not feeling well times...
I express to him that for the most part I just push it away...but there are times when I cannot...I am lost in the what was...what is...what will be...
I know the what was shouldn't matter...
but it does....
I feel like I need to know more about his r with ow...
I explain how I feel about it...how I thought about it one way while he was gone because I had been given one set of information but now that I have been given some more information I see it differently...differently being that I'm having a difficult time accepting that it was not at least somewhat physical...
h gets frustrated...
again the same question...
a question he feels has been answered...
h sits in silence...
can only say I'm sorry....
I am left feeling empty...alone...unloved...just the wife he had to come home to...
I let h know that I have bad thoughts of ow...that I'd like to go to her open house and hurt her...or simply do damage to her lawn (I could without her knowing it was intentional too I listen to h and know what damages lawns) so that she would fire him and the connection to her would be gone...h says that would be productive now wouldn't it...
h doesn't understand how I feel...
h doesn't understand that despite the fact that he's home...he's left this woman believing he's in love with her...
h says nothing...
I let h know that it's hurtful to me that she is out there may not have him but knows that he is in love with her...she can say that...my h is in love with her...that is not something that I can say...yes I can say he loves me..he cares about me...but that he chooses to be with me...that he is in love with me...that I cannot say...
h as is typical has nothing to say....
duh!!! cave man....walk over to your w hug her and say I love you LL....and I'll never hurt you again.
no, h says nothing other than...I'm going to bed...you want another pepsi??
so I decide I'd like to go out...I gotta get out a here....h still nothing to say....I go to the car and even start it...but decide I don't want to shop...where would I go...to the bar...gee that would be productive...nice attractive woman sitting alone in a bar...been there done that...would only add fuel to the neglect I feel from h.
so I come in and don't know now what to do...h of course is asleep..or getting pretty close to it.
perhaps h should just leave....he makes it very obvious to me that I don't need him...he leaves before we wake up...he doesn't get home till after dd goes to sleep and shortly before son goes to sleep and guess what he himself then just goes to sleep...so then what do I need him for??? what does he add to this r??? what is he giving me now that he wouldn't be giving me if he weren't here???
look back and see....LL had more of a life when h didn't live here...LL had more free time...more time to herself...despite h's seasonal business...he was here alone taking care of the kids all day every sunday...and at least two nights a week from 5pm on.....now h doesn't get home most nights til 7 and is in bed by 9...and sundays?? well he's here...but you guessed it....he's not taking care of the kids I am...he's working in the yard....
I'm frustrated with this life...I was frustrated with it before....I adjusted...told myself as I often do now...we have a nice house..the kids have all they want and need...we can entertain...we can vacation...h doesn't have much to offer us because he's busy working to give to us...sorry....why should I settle for that "princess" life now...I didn't want it then....I want a r...I want a friend...I want someone with some energy left at the end of the day to play a game of darts with me...or sit and play cards or talk or heaven forbid make out like teenagers...or just laugh..or wrestle or something for christ sake...
I think it's time for LL to send herself some more flowers...she is special after all...despite the fact that h isn't giving much...she's still giving more...she makes him lunch to take to work everyday...she's helping get some yard work done during the day while the kiddos play.
looks like LL needs another project...
emt course starts next month...that's two nights a week and some saturdays...
paint master bedroom and master bath
paint dd's bedroom
look for new dresser and mirror for dd's bedroom
look for headboard for dd's bedroom
get back to the gym
start scheduling individual sessions with c after the joint session next week.
go back to expecting and giving nothing in the way of love to h...
I put a note in h's lunch today "I love and appreciate all that you do for us" h didn't acknowledge it...said lunch was good thank you...I asked if he ate it all...yes he said..did you empty the bag...yes he said...since your not saying anything perhaps you need to clean out your truck...oh yeah...I got your note...that was nice...I should have called you right away but employee was there...
so friggen what if the employee was there..your damn right you should have called right away..doesn't mean you'd have to get all mushy in front of him...all you'd have to say is thanks for lunch and the special treat or something like that..wtf is wrong with that??? na instead completely ignore it...make your w feel stupid for doing it and ensure that it will be a long while before she expresses anything to you in such a way again!!!
I hope you know that the last paragraph is completely what I'd like to say and not at all what I said...I said no problem when he said thank you and that was that.
I'm annoyed once again and do not want to go to bed...yes I'm tired and should go to sleep but I do not wish to go to sleep in my bed while h is there...I wish he would go back to sleeping on the couch (well on occassion he falls asleep there) then at least I could get a good nights rest in my bed.
