yes I do have a hard time letting it go..I believe I have let most of it go..I did accept h home...I say it would have been easier had he not left simply because it was three months of "trying" after the disclosure of the "friendship" before he actually left...it was in some ways easier when he was gone because then I didn't know the whole truth (and sometimes wonder if I do) about things..when h returned a new set of lies was uncovered..yes h was the one to admit them but knowing that I was deceived not just once but twice (he continued to see ow after I found out before he left) makes it difficult for me to truly accept that he is not doing the same now...I should accept h's statement as that was then this is now...he truly didn't have to come home...I had stopped asking...I had actually been pushing him to get the d moving and had just taken his ring from him shortly before he decided to come home.
while h was gone I had accepted the r with ow as best I could from the information he had given me...but when he returned he told me more about it...it was devistating...it may have been easier on me if I knew then what I knew now...then at least during the six month sep I could have been dealing with those facts instead of being given them upon his return.
I do my best to not push h asside...I do my best to not give him the cold sholder...sure there are times when I may seem distant but I let h know that I am waiting for him to come to me or ask me to come to him (refering to sitting on the couch together) I am waiting to get comfortable just doing it...but it seems just when I get to a point where I am comfortable being the initiator of physical affection (and not just sexual) h seems to pull away...(or maybe it is just in my mind)
it's a tough ride...but I think that someday I will have a very nice letter to write to michelle calling my story one of success....unfortunate that this tragedy had to occur..that my children (luckily son was young and hopefully wont remember why he asks daddy if he's comming to his house just as I didn't remember why I refered to my father as my new daddy) had to endure such a crappy summer...but when I sit and look back it really wasn't all that bad...in a sense it was liberating...I no longer feel the need to live up to the ridiculous standards that I felt h wanted...I've realized those standards are that of his mother and family NOT his...we are becomming friends...it's taking some time but we are getting there...each backslide is gotten over faster and faster...I'm learning to let things go and looking to the next day as a fresh start instead of holding onto the gripes of yesterday.
I hate that this had to happen....hate that h was so blind to the love I had for him that he sought out the admiration of a foolish immature woman...perhaps someday h will see her for what she was...I feel bad for him in that he doesn't yet see it...and I know that when he does he will feel shame for it...he's already dissapointed in himself for what he's done to me but I know the pain he will feel when he truly realizes what a scam he was involved in.
