yes tony my h did come home...but to tell you the truth it was almost easier when he wasn't home..then I just let him go...the only question was...is he really going to go through with this (the d) and what will life be like for my children and I...now that h is home..I am caught on a roller coaster...when things seem good I have doubt...cause after all things weren't terrible before...so when there is a good thing done by h instead of just appreciating it and saying yup he's home and ow is gone I sit and say to myself...this is just a lie..after all h was supportive of me then...not as much as now but he was...I dunno...I just wish things didn't turn this way..maybe if he never left it would have been easier..but I guess he had to leave to realize he wanted to be here...maybe I'm just scared to believe it's real...scared to trust my h is really my h..when will I believe it?? when he asks me to put my ring back on? or proposes with another? I don't know when I will feel secure and confident in this r..things go very well as long as I let go of the past...but then there's me thinking to myself today...gee I'd like to call up ow and say..hey hope that little heart charm wasn't something too precious to you cause my h threw it in the dumpster along with your letters...just thought you'd like to know. but then I know that would do nothing...she wouldn't care...
I just want to believe..but then why should I believe now when I didn't fully believe even when we married, before all this..h is doing so much...even yesterday the goof that he is...was working in the yard in the am...got a flat in the bob-cat...took the tire (with son) to the gas station...couldn't fix it so had to go to the shop for a spare...called twice to apologise...saying this was not how he intended the day to go...he didn't plan this...he's sorry etc...goof..ya I'm sitting here thinking you sob you got a flat on purpose...you made it so you had to drive all the way to your shop instead of being at your home wich I know you love to work at...silly man...just get done what you need to get done so you can get home and relax.
and even tonight...I suggested picking up a video...he's spent already and has some appointments..may miss dd by the time he gets home...said can we hold off on the vidoe? I'll sit with you on the couch but I know I'll be too tired to watch a movie...silly man...sure it's ok...just get home when you can.
it's hard looking back at the past few years and seeing all the good days...the good things...and now knowing that it was a lie...h says it wasn't a lie....but it was...part of him was not here and that hurts...it takes away from the support he did give me...it takes away from the few family days we did have..it takes away from the way he pampered me while I was giving birth to dd...it explains alot of the negative way things were to though.
I just want to relax...I just want to trust that h is here with me and not just for the kids...I want to know that it's for real...I want to let go of the past...I want to follow the words that h wrote to me in the card he gave me on our wedding night...(I'll find it again to refresh you, I did post it in an earlier thread) I want to know that it's ok to love h. I want to know that h loves me...well I guess I just want to believe it!!
