LL..so glad you had a great time away...I am sure h missed you. Hope tomorrow will bring a new refreshed week for you and your h. Hope you had a great Mothers day with the family...
thanks sue..hope you had a great mothers day too!!
ok any one up for dream analysis...this dream is similar to a dream I had while h and I were seperated..
last night was a good night...started out a bit tense...could have been me...could have been h...dunno...after a while h was being physical with me...that was nice...I did try not to...I wanted him to miss me...not just miss me...but when I bring that up I get from him the dammed if ya do dammed if ya don't so I let it go..
anyway back to the dream
I was at a party...a bit confused as to who I was there with..somehow ended up in a basement but it was a pool..my apartment (I think it was supposed to be my apartment) was through a cabinet of a kitchen on a lower floor..but the entry dissapeared...h the kids and I had moved in..but our house still exitsted...why we were there I don't know...then I was going down some stairs and caught sight of h kissing a woman...h walked on down the stairs alone...I stopped the woman and say what was that about...she just smiled and said he'd never change...her name was sam...(not the real ow's name and I don't know a sam) I decided in the dream to give up on h..that he has always been a cheater and I only now know the truth..and he will never change...I flew away (yes I can fly in my dreams if I decide to)
don't know what to make of it...
the dream I had over the summer...
I was at a party...h was there with a blonde who told me to give it up...he's been with everybody and doesn't want to be with me...give it up...
h did come home so I guess that part is irrelevant..
but has h been a cheater all along? before marriage I suppose I could accept...[censored] happens....but if this little woman is not the first and wont be the last then that I cannot accept.
I also really would like to know the truth about h's r with ow...I mean really if she wrote him a letter six years ago..what the hell was that about...we were soon to be married six years ago...and if they already had a r such that she would need to write him some ily and I'm letting you go letter six years ago before he married me then how could they have just had a platonic r for so long after we were married??
h admits to going to her house 3x a week before and after I knew about the friendship..
admits to talking to her daily...
admits to going out to lunch with her a handful of times..
admits to hugging her when she was down about her illness..
and of course admits to taking her to her cancer treatment (that is when the friendship was disclosed as he was seen by a friend of my family so he rushed to call me and tell me before I heard from someone else)
I know the ow wrote him 3 love letters (though they all seem to be written as saying goodbye) giving him a heart shaped charm (supposedly my h did not buy it for her) and a b-day card..
letters and card were signed love...also the immature...1436...also the immature use of song titles in one of the letters.
I just want to know the truth about their r...
I want to know what h did with the letters and jewelry that I brought home from his office (the night I took his keys and went searching) he did say bring them home and we'll destroy them together but when I woke they were no longer in my car and I have not heard another word about them.
I want to ask about them...I want to know what he's done with them or intends to do with them...I'm sure I will not take "I threw them away" as an answer, I need to see them destroyed.
it apears ow has not yet sold her house....
I still do not like that she is a customer and barely tolerate it.
I hope that she moves away far far away...
but the one thing I can tell you and I will tell h as well...if anything like this ever happens again..there will be no explaining...there will be no discussion..there will be no c...there will be no seperation..that will be the end...fool me once shame on you...fool me twice..shame on me.
so for now I will do my best to trust h (very very very hard to do) for now I will act as if...ow doesn't bother me..that she's really gone..that it doesn't matter that h was in love with her..hell over the years I could have been in love with others and not known it..or simply been to scared to act on it in such a way that h did..or maybe I did...I don't know..but I will not put up with it again..
so please help me for now to keep my mouth shut about the "stuff" I found....
I sooooooooooo want to just ask nicely...so what did you do with the stuff...can you please give it to me...
but I know that will just start a fight...sucks that it has to be that way!!
well if I'm a ranting tommorow you'll know if I brought it up or not.
asked h if I could talk to him for a few minutes... h said sure if you want... I asked what he did with the stuff... h said he threw it away..all of it..the letters the jewelry etc...just wanted to get rid of it all...I asked why he didn't just throw it in the trash here...said he just wanted it gone...
I don't like the fact that I wasn't able to partake in the getting rid of it..
I don't like the fact that h didn't fully understand how it bothered me that I wasn't able to partake in getting rid of it..
so then I also foolishly asked what was her reference to a letter written 6 years ago...
h said she wrote him a few letters back then but wouldn't get into any detail about them...just that she wrote some letters expressing feelings for him...
so then this leads me to question how the were just friends when he started to spend time with her after we were married...
h still sticks to it not being physical...
h gets very angry when I ask anything..
h gets angry and pulls away when I talk about it or us...
h starts with an angry tone...
h then moves away to the couch..
h then stops responding..
h then goes to bed..
LL is stupid enough to play the game..
LL doesn't know how to accept h's silence and anger..
h just wants to put it all in the past...so does LL...LL doesn't know how to stop the questions she has...
LL has to get over it on her own...she doesn't want to...she wants for h to help her...she wants for h to feel her pain...say (as many friggen times as he has to) LL, I'm sorry I did this to us....I love you and I intend to spend the rest of my live making it up to you.
h will say no such thing...
h will show with actions...(sometimes) that I am supposed to read but will not comfort me when I'm hurting...instead he gets mad and pulls away...off to bed as if sleeping and avoiding things will make it all go away..as if tommorow morning he will wake happy and have a great day...
why has h not yet learned the truth to the old saying..."never go to bed angry"?
h and I continuosly throughout our r and m have gone to bed angry...mostly h as he is the one to just shut down and walk away from a discussion that excells to an argument as a result of his gradual shutting down...it really works wonders for our r...h goes to sleep and I am further angered and hurt...what a way to do things...imagine if we could both just do that...get irritated not want to deal with something so just go off to sleep...we would surely resolve a whole lot that way wouldn't we.
I am still without a wedding ring...and no I will not just put it back on! am I being stubborn?? hell no!! I took it off because it meant nothing...that marriage truly doesn't exist...and therefore I am not currently married. those vows were broken ....all of them...I was not honored...I was not cherished..I was not respected...I was not obeyed (whatever that one means) and h certainly did not forsake all others. so then that m doesn't exist and a new one must be...if h never asks...then I will never put that ring back on...I will die without it...h knows this and does nothing about it...
h rarely tells me he loves me...
h rarely tells me he's sorry when I express my hurt...instead he gets angry..
I'm sorry that I feel I'm sorry that I feel a need to express to h how I feel
I don't know...
just doesn't make sense to me to have a r with someone where you can't express your feelings good and bad if they just get angry and shut down.
I'm sorry that h had an a I'm sorry that h moved out I'm sorry that h asked for a d I'm sorry that h's ow asked her h for a d I'm sorry that h came home I'm sorry that I don't know exactly how to just let it go...
I'm sorry that despite all h does to try to make up for it..I'm still waiting for some words...
I'm sorry that I don't always trust it I'm sorry that I don't always feel it I'm sorry that I want to kill ow
I'm sorry that I want to be loved and feel safe with h...
I'm sorry that all this ever happend...perhaps next time I can take the green pill (or wich ever one would have had neo back in bed not knowing the truth)
I'm trying....I just want to hear some words....I also would like for h to make some minor adjustments in the way he handles things...no more just going off to bed...learn to give LL what she's aksed for when things take this turn...look at her...say I'm sorry I hurt you LL, I love you! and give her a hug...thats it...that's all...then nice nice we can go to sleep...but h no matter how many times things go this way...never never never does it...he just goes off and goes to sleep...then I stay awake...come here and rant...sit and flip channels..debate sleeping on the couch...maybe hit the bar for a shot or two of hot damn...decide that h will not be the one to come down and say...LL I love you please come to bed....so it must be me that crawls into bed...but then I'm still not comfortable there are no words...h stays on his side...I get tense and angry...get up and come back down and again try to sleep on the couch...debate sleeping in sons bed...can't...eventually make it to my own bed and fall asleep...h wakes in the am for work...gives me a kiss on the forehead and maybe even a little hug and from there a new day is born and the argument dissagreement that was unresolved is put away for another day again...when inevitably it will be brought up only to have the same thing happen...there is no resolve with h....but I suppose h would say there is no resolve with LL.
so it would seem I have to learn (as if I didn't already know) that inorder for h and I to be happy and move on we must move on...there will be no talk of the past..no talk of the a...no talk of my feelings due to the a and seperation and d talk...just exist and hope those feelings don't kill the love I do still have for h inside...because that is what happens each time I try to express and am met with anger and stonewalling.
I am sorry you are still on this roller coaster. It does seem you and H are stuck in a pattern (and it's a familiar pattern to me, trust me!). Did you ever get to see C together? Would he? I know my H, who would sooner have teeth pulled than talk with me, would be quite expressive when there was a professional present. It just seems you two are stuck without some outside help.
Quote: Did you ever get to see C together? Would he? I know my H, who would sooner have teeth pulled than talk with me, would be quite expressive when there was a professional present. It just seems you two are stuck without some outside help
we did go a few weeks ago, it wasn't totally productive but then again it was c's first time meeting with both of us...I'm sure it will take a while for him to get to see how we communicate together...and it will take some work on my part to sit back and let the c do his job!
I do have hope for things getting better...for h learning or at least accepting that he has to learn to do some things differently and that doing things differently doesn't mean "changing who he is".
I suppose I should just go sleep in my bed now...why should I sleep on the couch just because h is a shmuck...he does love me, he does feel for my pain...he just doesn't want to keep hearing about it..thing is he's too stubborn to realize that if he simply would say "LL ILY and I'm sorry I hurt you" and give me a hug...he would hear less and less about my pain because I would feel better. but it wont be that way...so I just gotta suck it up and go to him.
so I sat up a bit longer and did some more thinking about things...
h did say that he calls ow's cell phone because she is less likely to answer it so he can just leave a message regarding business stuff and then he doesn't have to talk to her because he doesn't want to talk to her.
I guess I can believe that.
h said he took the "stuff" and threw it away in the dumpster at work because he just wanted to get rid of it all...including the jewelry...when I commented that he could have sold the jewelry he said..it's best that it's all just gone...it's a reminder of the time that he wasn't home and he wants it gone.
I guess I can believe that...
so h didn't come down to get me...
I went up to bed and decided to take his way and poked him on the sholder..he said what...I said hi...he said hi...I rubbed his sholder simply as a way to say..ok that was a foolish argument...and somehow my rubbing his shoulder led him to move and well you can just figure the rest out on your own.
so then last nights argument has been put away..
the "stuff" is gone forever... h wants to be home..wants to move forward... h says over and over again that this will never happen again...she is gone and that r is over!
so I just have to believe it's real and that h is home not just for the kids but for "us" too!!
it's nice to be home..
hey, I touched a dolphin!!!!! son fed a dolphin!!!! awesome!!! seaworld is a must!!!!
LL, Your H is home! I wish W was home, and I wasn't going through D! Who is in more pain here? Believe everything he says! Have you forgiven him yet? A dream is just a dream, forget about your dreams, they don't mean a damn thing! NOTHING!! Dreams cannot predict your future! They mean nothing!
Sounds like you got more of a reaction from Dolphin than H!!!LOL
Rant, rant, rant, that's what we're here for, but I've done something for myself the last couple of days that helps me. Whenever I think about W or OG, I stop and say "don't think about them, think about yourself, and how you are better than them!" I think about my future w/o W and what I'm going to do and how I'm going to improve myself, and not depend on W!!!!
When I got the D papers, they were so exagerated, that I called my 83 year old mother and told her the WHOLE story, OG, how they met, how W wants to freeze my assets and money, etc!! Mom said W would not be happy w/OG after a while and realize she made a mistake and come back! Hey, is Mom a DB'er LOL
I probabably could handle the A but the added pressure of the D makes it impossible for her to get tired of OG, because now, she still has to concentrate on what an SOB she thinks I am, and OG supports her!
yes tony my h did come home...but to tell you the truth it was almost easier when he wasn't home..then I just let him go...the only question was...is he really going to go through with this (the d) and what will life be like for my children and I...now that h is home..I am caught on a roller coaster...when things seem good I have doubt...cause after all things weren't terrible before...so when there is a good thing done by h instead of just appreciating it and saying yup he's home and ow is gone I sit and say to myself...this is just a lie..after all h was supportive of me then...not as much as now but he was...I dunno...I just wish things didn't turn this way..maybe if he never left it would have been easier..but I guess he had to leave to realize he wanted to be here...maybe I'm just scared to believe it's real...scared to trust my h is really my h..when will I believe it?? when he asks me to put my ring back on? or proposes with another? I don't know when I will feel secure and confident in this r..things go very well as long as I let go of the past...but then there's me thinking to myself today...gee I'd like to call up ow and say..hey hope that little heart charm wasn't something too precious to you cause my h threw it in the dumpster along with your letters...just thought you'd like to know. but then I know that would do nothing...she wouldn't care...
I just want to believe..but then why should I believe now when I didn't fully believe even when we married, before all this..h is doing so much...even yesterday the goof that he is...was working in the yard in the am...got a flat in the bob-cat...took the tire (with son) to the gas station...couldn't fix it so had to go to the shop for a spare...called twice to apologise...saying this was not how he intended the day to go...he didn't plan this...he's sorry etc...goof..ya I'm sitting here thinking you sob you got a flat on purpose...you made it so you had to drive all the way to your shop instead of being at your home wich I know you love to work at...silly man...just get done what you need to get done so you can get home and relax.
and even tonight...I suggested picking up a video...he's spent already and has some appointments..may miss dd by the time he gets home...said can we hold off on the vidoe? I'll sit with you on the couch but I know I'll be too tired to watch a movie...silly man...sure it's ok...just get home when you can.
it's hard looking back at the past few years and seeing all the good days...the good things...and now knowing that it was a lie...h says it wasn't a lie....but it was...part of him was not here and that hurts...it takes away from the support he did give me...it takes away from the few family days we did have..it takes away from the way he pampered me while I was giving birth to dd...it explains alot of the negative way things were to though.
I just want to relax...I just want to trust that h is here with me and not just for the kids...I want to know that it's for real...I want to let go of the past...I want to follow the words that h wrote to me in the card he gave me on our wedding night...(I'll find it again to refresh you, I did post it in an earlier thread) I want to know that it's ok to love h. I want to know that h loves me...well I guess I just want to believe it!!
Oh LL, I feel for you.. I too was in your boots just a year ago. But you're scaring me.. and you're going to scare your H away again like I did to my W. I couldn't let it go. I thought many times that it was easier for me without her there. I wasn't prepared for the rollercoaster ride and I certainly didn't understand that I would have to be the major supporter - and forgiver and doer in the healing process. At times I just gave up and got too frustrated... I know I'm human but I am sorry I didn't smile more, forgive more and forget more! Because I felt she didn't want to talk about issues I ended up getting depressed and giving her the cold shoulder. She obviously noticed this and it wore her down.
Well, here we are going through it again.
So my advice to you is, think about whether you really want to go through this again? If you don't then you'll have to accept him at face value. Love him, smile at him and slowly but surely let go of the past, let go of your worries. If you worry yourself to death over this then it will happen again like it did to me... and trust me, the second time around their resolve to go through with it is a lot stronger (uggg).
nyP