asked h if I could talk to him for a few minutes... h said sure if you want... I asked what he did with the stuff... h said he threw it away..all of it..the letters the jewelry etc...just wanted to get rid of it all...I asked why he didn't just throw it in the trash here...said he just wanted it gone...
I don't like the fact that I wasn't able to partake in the getting rid of it..
I don't like the fact that h didn't fully understand how it bothered me that I wasn't able to partake in getting rid of it..
so then I also foolishly asked what was her reference to a letter written 6 years ago...
h said she wrote him a few letters back then but wouldn't get into any detail about them...just that she wrote some letters expressing feelings for him...
so then this leads me to question how the were just friends when he started to spend time with her after we were married...
h still sticks to it not being physical...
h gets very angry when I ask anything..
h gets angry and pulls away when I talk about it or us...
h starts with an angry tone...
h then moves away to the couch..
h then stops responding..
h then goes to bed..
LL is stupid enough to play the game..
LL doesn't know how to accept h's silence and anger..
h just wants to put it all in the past...so does LL...LL doesn't know how to stop the questions she has...
LL has to get over it on her own...she doesn't want to...she wants for h to help her...she wants for h to feel her pain...say (as many friggen times as he has to) LL, I'm sorry I did this to us....I love you and I intend to spend the rest of my live making it up to you.
h will say no such thing...
h will show with actions...(sometimes) that I am supposed to read but will not comfort me when I'm hurting...instead he gets mad and pulls away...off to bed as if sleeping and avoiding things will make it all go away..as if tommorow morning he will wake happy and have a great day...
why has h not yet learned the truth to the old saying..."never go to bed angry"?
h and I continuosly throughout our r and m have gone to bed angry...mostly h as he is the one to just shut down and walk away from a discussion that excells to an argument as a result of his gradual shutting down...it really works wonders for our r...h goes to sleep and I am further angered and hurt...what a way to do things...imagine if we could both just do that...get irritated not want to deal with something so just go off to sleep...we would surely resolve a whole lot that way wouldn't we.
I am still without a wedding ring...and no I will not just put it back on! am I being stubborn?? hell no!! I took it off because it meant nothing...that marriage truly doesn't exist...and therefore I am not currently married. those vows were broken ....all of them...I was not honored...I was not cherished..I was not respected...I was not obeyed (whatever that one means) and h certainly did not forsake all others. so then that m doesn't exist and a new one must be...if h never asks...then I will never put that ring back on...I will die without it...h knows this and does nothing about it...
h rarely tells me he loves me...
h rarely tells me he's sorry when I express my hurt...instead he gets angry..
I'm sorry that I feel I'm sorry that I feel a need to express to h how I feel
I don't know...
just doesn't make sense to me to have a r with someone where you can't express your feelings good and bad if they just get angry and shut down.
I'm sorry that h had an a I'm sorry that h moved out I'm sorry that h asked for a d I'm sorry that h's ow asked her h for a d I'm sorry that h came home I'm sorry that I don't know exactly how to just let it go...
I'm sorry that despite all h does to try to make up for it..I'm still waiting for some words...
I'm sorry that I don't always trust it I'm sorry that I don't always feel it I'm sorry that I want to kill ow
I'm sorry that I want to be loved and feel safe with h...
I'm sorry that all this ever happend...perhaps next time I can take the green pill (or wich ever one would have had neo back in bed not knowing the truth)
I'm trying....I just want to hear some words....I also would like for h to make some minor adjustments in the way he handles things...no more just going off to bed...learn to give LL what she's aksed for when things take this turn...look at her...say I'm sorry I hurt you LL, I love you! and give her a hug...thats it...that's all...then nice nice we can go to sleep...but h no matter how many times things go this way...never never never does it...he just goes off and goes to sleep...then I stay awake...come here and rant...sit and flip channels..debate sleeping on the couch...maybe hit the bar for a shot or two of hot damn...decide that h will not be the one to come down and say...LL I love you please come to bed....so it must be me that crawls into bed...but then I'm still not comfortable there are no words...h stays on his side...I get tense and angry...get up and come back down and again try to sleep on the couch...debate sleeping in sons bed...can't...eventually make it to my own bed and fall asleep...h wakes in the am for work...gives me a kiss on the forehead and maybe even a little hug and from there a new day is born and the argument dissagreement that was unresolved is put away for another day again...when inevitably it will be brought up only to have the same thing happen...there is no resolve with h....but I suppose h would say there is no resolve with LL.
so it would seem I have to learn (as if I didn't already know) that inorder for h and I to be happy and move on we must move on...there will be no talk of the past..no talk of the a...no talk of my feelings due to the a and seperation and d talk...just exist and hope those feelings don't kill the love I do still have for h inside...because that is what happens each time I try to express and am met with anger and stonewalling.
