when I sit back and watch and feel unloved but say nothing h does little...
when I express my feelings h gets angry giving me the "no matter what I do it's not enough" attitude, unless I get really frustrated then I hear "If I had been giving as much as you and getting as little in return, I'd probably want to give up too"
now that I have seen more info or at least "tokens" of the r with ow...I have pulled away a bit from h...I am still pleasant...I am still here...but honestly I can't look at him directly...now h is once again asking me to come up to bed...trying to cuddle and gee let's see it's only 9:30 and h has already called to say good morning and see how the day is going.
guess h needs for LL to hurt to be sad to mourn the death of the lie that she had been living...I believe I want a r with h...I believe I can be happy with h...I believe h can give all those little things that LL wants (and let's face it folks what LL wants is so simple and basic anyman could give them to her) h just needs for LL to back away from him to be able to give them to her.
so LL will try to stop being the good w...LL will try to stop loving her h..LL will stop picking up little things for him at the store...complimenting him...complimenting his hard work in the yard...stop wanting him....it will be hard..but LL did it while he was gone..so time to just do it again....LL must be lovingly distant...try to hide that pain...h knows LL to well to not see through the smile to the pain...h knows how greatly he has hurt his dear LL he just doesn't know yet how easily he could stop that hurt...so instead LL will deal with it in her own time on her own...comfort herself...a small gap will come between LL and h becuase of it...but that is apparently the way it must be.
my good friend the mother of sons buddie and dd's pottential boyfriend is comming over to play today...she's bringing me donughts...I told her I'd just share the munchkins with the kids and she said...no your a mom and mom needs something special!! this woman is awesome...she brought me flowers during the summer when my neighbor was cruel to me...she called me almost everyday while h was gone...she offered to take my kids so I could chill (I never took her up on it but always let them come visit and did my best to put on the happy face and play airplane or other silly games with the boys) she baked me a banana bread and gave me flowers on mothers day...she is a great lady and I'm glad to be able to call her my friend too. I haven't yet told son that they're comming...it's more fun to see him explode with excitement when they come to the door! son will have a good day...dd will have a great day...mom will have a great day...h wont matter today to LL, she will go back to her world where she is a great mother of two beautiful little darlings.
that is something else I ache over...before all this yes I did struggle with a lacking r with h...but I was fully involved in sons world we were connected, along came dd..I did my best to stay connected to son...made time for him whenever dd napped...then the world came crashing down and part of mommy shut down...she was there but not the same...she couldn't shut out the thought all the time...she couldn't play as much...she couldn't smile as much...mommy was in a fog half the time...mommy was acting like her mommy did just without the alchohol.
LL is mad at herself for allowing h to take that away from her...LL is sad that even when she tries to explain that feeling to h he didn't understand it.
ok I have to stop now because even my use of the third person is not keeping the tears away today.
h says he only has a little to do in the yard today and then he should be done, gee nice to know that all the work is done and now you'll have some time but look....the kids and I are going away and I'm sure by the time we get back you will have started a new project to keep you from us.
LL who can't decide if she should have taken the red pill or the green pill....
