this has been such a horrible roller coaster ride...I'm afraid I don't feel any better now than I did when I first found out about the "friendship" that day h was up my butt...that weekend h came with me to the store to do shopping...went out for pizza...acted like he really cared...then things were rough...h stayed at his moms for a week...but came over to talk to me every night...ended up comming home...we went out once a week..play cards at home...things seemed to be getting better...sure I was still hurt and angry...h was still not sorry for his a..didn't even acknowledge it as an a...then h leaves...then h wants a d...then h tells me he is in love with ow (as if I didn't know that as soon as I knew of the "friendship) and plans to be with her...then h decides to come home...h is once again up my butt..following me around the house...is super nice and attentive to me...then slowly I give in and get comfortable with him...then h starts to go back to the way he was before...doing his own thing...not making the time for me or even the kids...I don't know the whole truth about his r with ow and I suppose I never will...and if h never tells me the truth there will never be rest in our r...
I'm tired and I ache...I have once again lost my appetite..I once again have no motivation to even make breakfast for the kids...I don't want to be on drugs but I suppose I am going to have to...I can't just keep pushing myself I am bound to break that way...
I don't want to see anybody...I don't want to talk to anybody...I just want to crawl into a cave and sleep a long sleep. but I wont...I will as always..be pleasant and nice and cook and clean and get dressed and do all that I am supposed to do...and die inside while I put on a happy face for the world.
sure I wasn't happy before we got married...sure I spent time around other men before we married...sure I had plenty of guys that were in love with me...but I loved h and married him...when I married him I accepted him as him...I accepted that the other men who were in love with me simply were that way because they didn't have me...I accepted that h was tired and basically unavailable because he worked so hard...I accepted that our quality times together would be few due to his busy work schedule...I tried to accept that our sex life would be on again off again due to well his waked out libido...I spoke his language every day...acts of service...little gifts...and sure I complimented him too...I wrote I love you on the bathroom mirror in lipstick..I gave him a pedicure...I search from store to store to find a toy lawnmower to decorate his birthday cake..I made his favorite meal...I built my life around him...slowly slowly giving up of myself to be a part of his world...only to discover 5 years and two children into our m that all along he had been in love with another...that for a time he stayed away from her...but eventually went back...(sure he stayed away..the first year we were married he went to her christmas party with out me despite the fact that I asked him not to and expressed how badly it made me feel that he would go and not bring me)
I'm tired of trying.. I'm tired of telling h that I love him I'm tired of trying to make h comfortable here I'm tired of waiting for h to love me I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
time for LL to really just live her life...
what the hell is so scary a thing that could happen... LL goes and lives her life...is happy and content...finds peace...(as long as she doesn't bump into a nice young man along the way) has the "family" and the occassional "date" with h...eventually either h gets caught with ow again and then LL says enough is enough bye bye put the check in the mail...or h wakes up and sees what he has in LL and realizes that someone like her doesn't come around all that often that he is lucky and blessed and starts to fall in love with her all over again..and then LL will be like all those wives you see whos h tries to kiss them and they get annoyed...
so really whats so bad about that??? is that scary??? it's not the life I want but to hell with it...I'm certainly not getting anywhere this way.
if h wants this m it's time for him to make a consistant effort to show empathy and take an active role in repairing the r not just the back yard.
time for LL to put the ball down...it's gonna take a lot more than a bag of recees piecies to make this work.
I think you know what you need to do. You just have to decide to do it.
But don't give OW the power over your life that she has. She is dirt and isn't worth your time. She is obviously not a good person and you are.
I can only imagine how you felt with your discovery. It must have hurt like hell.
Do what is best to make LL happy. I just made that decision yesterday. I will be happy and you should be too.
Maybe our happiness isn't the way we want it right now. But I was unhappy in my previous marriage and I was a WAW. I thought I had found the King of the World with this H. I'm finding I was wrong. Maybe the best is yet to come.
when I sit back and watch and feel unloved but say nothing h does little...
when I express my feelings h gets angry giving me the "no matter what I do it's not enough" attitude, unless I get really frustrated then I hear "If I had been giving as much as you and getting as little in return, I'd probably want to give up too"
now that I have seen more info or at least "tokens" of the r with ow...I have pulled away a bit from h...I am still pleasant...I am still here...but honestly I can't look at him directly...now h is once again asking me to come up to bed...trying to cuddle and gee let's see it's only 9:30 and h has already called to say good morning and see how the day is going.
guess h needs for LL to hurt to be sad to mourn the death of the lie that she had been living...I believe I want a r with h...I believe I can be happy with h...I believe h can give all those little things that LL wants (and let's face it folks what LL wants is so simple and basic anyman could give them to her) h just needs for LL to back away from him to be able to give them to her.
so LL will try to stop being the good w...LL will try to stop loving her h..LL will stop picking up little things for him at the store...complimenting him...complimenting his hard work in the yard...stop wanting him....it will be hard..but LL did it while he was gone..so time to just do it again....LL must be lovingly distant...try to hide that pain...h knows LL to well to not see through the smile to the pain...h knows how greatly he has hurt his dear LL he just doesn't know yet how easily he could stop that hurt...so instead LL will deal with it in her own time on her own...comfort herself...a small gap will come between LL and h becuase of it...but that is apparently the way it must be.
my good friend the mother of sons buddie and dd's pottential boyfriend is comming over to play today...she's bringing me donughts...I told her I'd just share the munchkins with the kids and she said...no your a mom and mom needs something special!! this woman is awesome...she brought me flowers during the summer when my neighbor was cruel to me...she called me almost everyday while h was gone...she offered to take my kids so I could chill (I never took her up on it but always let them come visit and did my best to put on the happy face and play airplane or other silly games with the boys) she baked me a banana bread and gave me flowers on mothers day...she is a great lady and I'm glad to be able to call her my friend too. I haven't yet told son that they're comming...it's more fun to see him explode with excitement when they come to the door! son will have a good day...dd will have a great day...mom will have a great day...h wont matter today to LL, she will go back to her world where she is a great mother of two beautiful little darlings.
that is something else I ache over...before all this yes I did struggle with a lacking r with h...but I was fully involved in sons world we were connected, along came dd..I did my best to stay connected to son...made time for him whenever dd napped...then the world came crashing down and part of mommy shut down...she was there but not the same...she couldn't shut out the thought all the time...she couldn't play as much...she couldn't smile as much...mommy was in a fog half the time...mommy was acting like her mommy did just without the alchohol.
LL is mad at herself for allowing h to take that away from her...LL is sad that even when she tries to explain that feeling to h he didn't understand it.
ok I have to stop now because even my use of the third person is not keeping the tears away today.
h says he only has a little to do in the yard today and then he should be done, gee nice to know that all the work is done and now you'll have some time but look....the kids and I are going away and I'm sure by the time we get back you will have started a new project to keep you from us.
LL who can't decide if she should have taken the red pill or the green pill....
a hypothetical call that I will not make but have to get out so just bare with me...
ring ring... hello... yes hello ow, I read your letters and I must say that if I knew nothing about you I would assume you were a little girl in high school. You're extreme ignorance of the situation baffles me and actually I find myself laughing at you and your little fantasy world. Do you honestly think that you and my h belong together? do you honestly think that you are the true prize and that I am his burden? do you not realize how utterly ridiculous you sound in your letters? do you not realize that sure he was flatterd and touched by your expressions of love and forever devotion to him but that there will come a day when he will look back upon his r with you and your letters and little token (wich by the way if I come across again I plan to sell and buy myself something nice so I hope it wasn't too prescious to you) and be thankful that he rid himself of you. do you not realize that you are now going to be even more misserable than you were before you decided to d your h. Do you honestly still think that my h will leave to be with you? he wont..and even if I were to make life so unbearable for him that he'd consider leaving and he did spend time with you eventually he would see you for the needy immature little girl you are and would tire of your dependance on him. I do have to thank you though...in seeing what a little girl you really are I have realized that it was not me that was wrong...I am an adult and h couldn't handle that...he needed a little girl like you to be his cheerleeder...hopefully in dealing with pathetic little you he has realized how false that world is...he must have for as soon as he realized he would also have to be there for you as you decided to take your h out of the equation he left you. I hope you grow up some day...at least for a few years before your cancer kills you..I know you think I don't care that you have cancer...I do, I feel bad for you, I feel bad for your kids, I feel bad for your h..I do not feel bad for you because you choose to add more misery to your life by acting like a little girl instead of a w and mother. and oh btw...I saw your pictures and I can tell you that even on a bad day I am much more attractive than you are!! and yes that is me acting like a little girl for a moment but since that is your level thought you'd appreciate knowing it.
you can live your life believing that my h will always love you but I know for fact that eventually he will be as disgusted with you as he is with himself. You think you took something away from me but what your childish little mind doesn't yet realize is that you've given me a gift, an advantage...my h loves me more deeply now than he did before sure it's not the childish in love that you had with him but I can tell you right now my h loves me more now for accepting his disgression with you than he ever would have loved you.
sell your house and move away...go find another sap to swoon over..erase my h from your mind...he will never be yours...not even if I throw him to you...you may have given him your heart figeratively and litterally (your little charm I mentioned before that I will be selling soon) but his heart was always with me...even as he walked out the door to be with you...his heart was always with me...all you got was the child within him and soon enough that will be mine too.
so hope you enjoyed your little "escape" and your temporary "hero" (yes, I read your cute little letter tying in your song titles too) because he is yours no longer...he is devoted to his wife and children now..yes he struggling with getting over the shame of you...yes he's having trouble comforting me for the pain he has caused...but he is here and he is where he wants to be.
have a nice life ow, I throw you away just as h did.
I am new to this board, but have been reading and following your threads for a couple months. You unknowingly have help me through many tearful and painful days when I didn't know how I was going to pull myself together.
I am so sad to read of your painful time right now. I feel your pain. I hope your getting away will help. My d and I just have returned from a visit to NYC. Just a girls weekend and it was fabulous. On my journey home I realize how great it was to wake up and not face h and the pain... how great it was not to have to deal with anything. I hope you find this on your trip.
A quick background on my story. 2 months ago my h informs me he is unhappy and has been for years. Not in love with me, unattracted to me, doesn't know how long he can take it all( what ever that meant). 1 month ago I discover his e/a with a co worker. My world crumbled and I have been trying to pick up the pieces ever since. I feel luck that H is willing to stay and work on the R. the OW is now out of the picture as far as I know.
On thing that is constantly being over played in our R is that H feels that I have an expectation of what he should say or do and if that doesn't occur I become upset, thus nothing he is doing is good enough. Without knowing it at times I have done this. My new mantra is " I forgive you for not being me". This has helped so I don't get so upset when I don't get the hug I need, the feelings shared, or physical attention I need.
I have also noticed that when the pain is so great,when my gut hurts from the pain, when my tears won't stop, and my emotions take over it is like being is a fog. It is some time hard to see the good things H is trying to do through this fog.
I also have little kids who are a joy. In the past I have put myself last and have been 100% full time mom. Now in trying to just keep my emotions together I haven't been there as much for them. But you know it is o.k. It is not selfish to work on you, to tend to your needs. Your kids will understand and appreciate all you do for them and for who you are.
Quote: I also have little kids who are a joy. In the past I have put myself last and have been 100% full time mom. Now in trying to just keep my emotions together I haven't been there as much for them. But you know it is o.k. It is not selfish to work on you, to tend to your needs. Your kids will understand and appreciate all you do for them and for who you are.
thank you for the kind words bumbling..you brought a tear to my eye..and from the sounds of your post you certainly aren't bumbling.
Quote: Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is frequently the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right- be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act trustworthy, and still, the marriage won’t mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself. Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection.
But forgiveness doesn’t just happen. It is a conscious decision to stop blaming, make peace, and start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has had you in its clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in your life? Decide to forgive today.
thank you for posting this to purpley tony.
I'm trying to forgive h at times I think I have...I don't think he's fully forgiven himself...or rather don't think he knows yet what he's really done...he goes from being sorry about it...sorry that he hurt me...to feeling like he did what he did and that's over and that's enough...no it's not enough...he needs to really be sorry for what he did..not just sorry that what he did hurt me.
I was AFRAID to answer your last two posts to me on your thread, Hillary!!! You were really ranting BAD! I think it is the added pressure of going to Disney amist of all this! You had been sort of quite the last two weeks, but you should have learned by now, not to snoop, it will only cause more pain, and sure enough, it did!!!
You are all of those things you wish you were, at least to us! H's never seem to see the qualities in their W's, I didn't, and look where it got me! Purpley is really having a rough time, but not knowing either of your H's, it is hard to say where their heads are!! Even if all these sits are "textbook", they are all different! You have said that H has ALWAYS has a hard time expressing his feelings! Just because he doesn't show any emotion, I would bet you he is sorry for what he did, and you need to forgive him! It took me 23 years to realize how bad I hurt my W, and now I REALLY know how she feels, but I didn't want D, and I even continued to help her out financially while we were seperated for 6 months! When her and D came home, It was the happiest day of my life, including the wedding! Fortunately, I had the opportunity to tell my D that Easter Sunday, and also apologized to her for what I did! Unfortunately, I never showed my W how much I appreciated her, and now OG does, and she is sucking it up!
When you told me women can turn on and off that quickly, it sort of hurt! I was hoping that OG would see what HE is doing to her and her M and family, but he is in a fog too! My W could cause a man to do that! She really is wonderful, and I CAN see this happening to her, I should not have let it happen!
Now, I have decided that I just want to help her get through D with as little pain as possible! If I lose everything I will be OK! I have tried to talk her into working out this financial mess with me even if we aren't married, but she keeps getting more hopeless by the day! I can see she is in pain, but not because of D or Me or OG, but because of $$$$$! I told her I would not abandon her and as hard as I was trying to keep this friendly, she is making it hard to do!
As far as Purpley's H, he just plain screwed up! It happens! All the time! I can assure you he is sorry also!
LL, just have a GREAT time with kids and friends at Disney!! AND DON'T POST FROM THERE!!!!! We will all still be here, and so will H when you get back, and we will be bitch**g about the same things, but you will be having fun, and we will still be crying in our beer!
LL -- You have written my anthem, my mantra, my truth...thank you for putting your heart and soul and pain and tears and strength and grace and bravery out there. I will read your words again and again and again.
I know the pain hasn't gone away for you but I see a sparkle of **you** in your words.
I hope you have a wonderful, rejuvenating, inspiring, relaxing vacation.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I can feel your pain, because I have that pain too. I know you have posted to me before and I appreciate your kinds words. How can you help me when you have your own problems and they sound worse than mine??? YOU are a strong person, Much stronger than me, because you took the time to help me. thank-you
I don't know your whole sitch, but I've been reading it to find out about you because you are nice to help me.
Quote) On thing that is constantly being over played in our R is that H feels that I have an expectation of what he should say or do and if that doesn't occur I become upset, thus nothing he is doing is good enough. Without knowing it at times I have done this. (QUOTE)
this is your quote and this is how I am too. My H always says I answer my own questions to him. He says I answer the questions before he gets to answer them. Yes I want the answers to be what I want to hear. So I get upset when it is not what I expect.
My new mantra is " I forgive you for not being me".
that's a good mantra.
READ this... at our last session with MC:, we've discovered that my husband had been treating me the way he was treated all these years by his family. He was putting me in his place, seeing me in himself, tuning me out which is what he did when his family knocked him down or ignored him whatever, so he ignored me when I had something to say.
So in our case I was telling him things I didn't like, but always leaving out some detail so as not to hurt him, us or me. In doing that we never got anything resolved. And he tuned me out, ignored me or avoided the situation. Because most of my anger was of how he acted in the presence of other women. He just NEVER saw it, even though I had told him a million times. but I guess I left out some details that would have made him see it more clearly, the hurt details I guess.
Well after that session which was last Tuesday I have felt less weighted down by this mess. NOT that I want a R with him. I am still angry, upset and I cry too much.
What I want to say to you is maybe you are holding back something that you really want to say and are afraid to say it beause you don't want to hurt him. JUST say it. I hope I'm helping you. And maybe your H has to listen more closely.
I hope this all makes some sense to you. I know it did during our session with MC.
You deserve to be happy and you want this R so I wish you luck.
Me? I'm not trying hard to be with H. I have a dinner to attend with my s18 Sunday (son is getting a Scholar Athlete Award, a prestigous award) and he wants his dad there too. I haven't been in the same car (same house, though because H never left) with H since October 2002. I don't know how this is going to be for me. I think I will be angry and uptight. That's usually me when I am in uncomfortable situations.
But YOU, you seem to get along with H and can deal with being with him. Good for you. Purpley
You were really ranting BAD! I think it is the added pressure of going to Disney amist of all this! You had been sort of quite the last two weeks, but you should have learned by now, not to snoop, it will only cause more pain, and sure enough, it did!!!