this has been such a horrible roller coaster ride...I'm afraid I don't feel any better now than I did when I first found out about the "friendship" that day h was up my butt...that weekend h came with me to the store to do shopping...went out for pizza...acted like he really cared...then things were rough...h stayed at his moms for a week...but came over to talk to me every night...ended up comming home...we went out once a week..play cards at home...things seemed to be getting better...sure I was still hurt and angry...h was still not sorry for his a..didn't even acknowledge it as an a...then h leaves...then h wants a d...then h tells me he is in love with ow (as if I didn't know that as soon as I knew of the "friendship) and plans to be with her...then h decides to come home...h is once again up my butt..following me around the house...is super nice and attentive to me...then slowly I give in and get comfortable with him...then h starts to go back to the way he was before...doing his own thing...not making the time for me or even the kids...I don't know the whole truth about his r with ow and I suppose I never will...and if h never tells me the truth there will never be rest in our r...
I'm tired and I ache...I have once again lost my appetite..I once again have no motivation to even make breakfast for the kids...I don't want to be on drugs but I suppose I am going to have to...I can't just keep pushing myself I am bound to break that way...
I don't want to see anybody...I don't want to talk to anybody...I just want to crawl into a cave and sleep a long sleep. but I wont...I will as always..be pleasant and nice and cook and clean and get dressed and do all that I am supposed to do...and die inside while I put on a happy face for the world.
sure I wasn't happy before we got married...sure I spent time around other men before we married...sure I had plenty of guys that were in love with me...but I loved h and married him...when I married him I accepted him as him...I accepted that the other men who were in love with me simply were that way because they didn't have me...I accepted that h was tired and basically unavailable because he worked so hard...I accepted that our quality times together would be few due to his busy work schedule...I tried to accept that our sex life would be on again off again due to well his waked out libido...I spoke his language every day...acts of service...little gifts...and sure I complimented him too...I wrote I love you on the bathroom mirror in lipstick..I gave him a pedicure...I search from store to store to find a toy lawnmower to decorate his birthday cake..I made his favorite meal...I built my life around him...slowly slowly giving up of myself to be a part of his world...only to discover 5 years and two children into our m that all along he had been in love with another...that for a time he stayed away from her...but eventually went back...(sure he stayed away..the first year we were married he went to her christmas party with out me despite the fact that I asked him not to and expressed how badly it made me feel that he would go and not bring me)
I'm tired of trying.. I'm tired of telling h that I love him I'm tired of trying to make h comfortable here I'm tired of waiting for h to love me I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
time for LL to really just live her life...
what the hell is so scary a thing that could happen... LL goes and lives her life...is happy and content...finds peace...(as long as she doesn't bump into a nice young man along the way) has the "family" and the occassional "date" with h...eventually either h gets caught with ow again and then LL says enough is enough bye bye put the check in the mail...or h wakes up and sees what he has in LL and realizes that someone like her doesn't come around all that often that he is lucky and blessed and starts to fall in love with her all over again..and then LL will be like all those wives you see whos h tries to kiss them and they get annoyed...
so really whats so bad about that??? is that scary??? it's not the life I want but to hell with it...I'm certainly not getting anywhere this way.
if h wants this m it's time for him to make a consistant effort to show empathy and take an active role in repairing the r not just the back yard.
time for LL to put the ball down...it's gonna take a lot more than a bag of recees piecies to make this work.
