I want the words...yes I desperately want to be held to be cuddled and I do believe h to be sincere in his wanting to comfort me...but I want the words....I want the words he gave to ow...I want to hear my h tell me he loves me...he aches to be away from me...I want to hear the words that he gave to ow...they belong to me and I deserve them.
unless of course there were no words from h to ow...there were no words and he simply hugged her...kissed her...etc...etc...but because he denies that...there must have been words...I know that words don't come easily to h...it took him over 6 months of us dating (in the begining) for him to say ily...he was so silly...he paced about...flustered...preparing himself...and what he said was " I think I love you" and my response..."well I know I love you" that was the first night we made love...he had made me wait til then.
I want to hear the words from h... I want h to tell me everything is going to be allright. I want h to tell me ow is moving away and he will be happy when she does. I want h to tell me I'm beautiful and smart and funny and desireable I want h to tell me he misses me I want h to want to be with ME and not mask it with "family" and the kids. I want the man who came home to me...the man who walked me to the door and kissed me like he didn't want me to leave.. I want the man who sat on the couch with me and gave me massages not being able to keep his hands from wandering.. I want the man who pulled me asside and kissed me passionatley while the kids were distracted. I want the man who came up to the bathroom while I was showering and asked if he could come in. I want the man who called on is way to get chinese and said hey turn on the radio queen is on I know you like them I want the man who said I love you LL I want the man who didn't lie anymore I want the man who was open and honest about his feelings I want the man who said "I'm enjoying the time were spending together and I find myself wanting to run for more" I want that man back!!!! I want ow to (ok I thought to say die but the good christian in me has drawn a blank) move away far far far away to never return..or if she does for h to say look ow is buggin me! I wish she would grow up and leave me alone.
I desperately want to go back to bed and take the comforting cuddle that h is offering...I want to accept h's attempt at offering comfort to me...I also want to go to his truck and take back the love letters and pictures and jewelry (among the jewelry was a ring he bought himself to replace his wedding band when I finally took it from him, I'd like to sell it all and buy myself a little ruby since I know h will never ask me to put my rings back on) I'd like to know what h did with the stuff once he took it from my car...he did after all tell me to bring it home...so we could destroy it...why then did he take it...what did he do with it...I wont believe he's destroyed it now unless I see him do it.
I want to trust that my h loves me, I want to trust that this will not happen again...that ow will not pop back up in another 5 years or so....I want to trust that h wants to be here not just for the kids but for me also and not because I was looking like a skeleton and not sleeping (mind you I liked the way I looked and was up beat and went about my business then) but because he truly loves ME, LL for all that she is.
