H is having affair after all

[saffie]

I ditto that. I also think he cannot expect you not to talk to people about this if you want to. You didn't make him have an A - he chose to. You should be able to get support whilst dealing witht the fall out. I was very public about my H's A. I didn't scream and shout but I wasn't going to hide what he did.

[Evie]

Hi Saffie & Jen,

No where to go on a Saturday night girls?

Your replies were reassuring, i had calmed down to the point where i was beginning to start blaming myself again. But i'm not in the wrong here. i'm relieved in a way that my instincts proved to be right and that its all out in the open. I have my own kind of closure and can move foward from this point knowing where i stand.

I would like to think he will decide he wants to recommit, but he is still saying he doesn't love me, so I don't think there's a chance.

I won't protect him anymore, the last few months were different, as i lived in hope of a reconciliation.

Saffie, remember you said your H had taken your kids out with ow and her kids? Vile isn't it? i remember last summer h taking ow & her boys out biking (think i was working), i remember at the time thinking it was a bit odd, that i wouldn't mind going biking with h and sons but how kind he was as ow's H was incable of taking his boys out b/c of his stroke, how niave was i, but then you trust them don't you?

I hope i've handled it well? at least my dignity, pride and self respect are still intact and now's the time to just go dark, let him stew in his own juices. IF Ow is now out of the picture, he has no distractions. I'll be doing my GAL activities and having fun with the family and my friends, while he'll go back alone to his flat. Hopefully he will miss us and if he wants back with the family then he has a lot of work to do.

X Eve

ps she looks great in her clothes, she is very attractive and femmine, but in her costume - yuk, she's so skinny, her hip bones stick out, she has no boobs,(obviuosly wears a padded bra) and she has big feet....i know i'm far from perfect, but i have got tits arse and hips.. and i'm nice on the inside too....and i would NEVER sleep with a married man..

[LL44]

Eve we have a lot in common. H said our M failing doesn't have anything to do with OW (although lately he admits a bit more..). That does hurt. I was withdrawn emotionally from him prior to the affair, bumped him WAY down on the list of priorities, and boy did he feel it. But, he did not convey to me any of his hurt until after I found out about the A. I also see OW from time to time, she was my friend before the A and our girls go to the same school. My H and OW did 'family' things with each other and all the kids all summer long. That hurt, but if I ever found out she was in this house, it would be really hard. I applaud you.

And you totally pegged it my friend, she might be pretty on the outside (with lots of help), but nothing shines like inner beauty, morality and a high quality woman. HUGS!

[Holly06]

Eve,

I am so sorry for your hurt. It is the worst pain you will ever feel, but you are surviving it, and someday you will be ok.


It is a process.

But for now, I would like you to keep your options open while you have time to decide what YOU want.

Stop talking to H.

Do his answers really make you feel better?

See, right now, we all want you to FEEL better. More alive and less a victim.
It will come for you, like it has for all of us.


By keeping your options open, I mean I would like to see you do no more damamage to your R with your H.
Let him suffer from other directions, not yours.

He is suffering. He will suffer. He will hurt.
His hurt will take time though. We really don't care about him right now,
We all care about you.

So breathe, mourn, cry amd curl up in your bed. Take care of your children as best you can right now, they are your constant.
And they will need your strength too.

Keep coming here for support and venting.
Do not go to H.
Let him wonder about you, and if you are OK.

Hugs and a warm thought to you,
Holly

[Holly06]

BTW,

my girls are swimmers too. One swims in college. I have taught swimming for YEARS.

I love the sport.

[Evie]

Thank you my friends, i really appreciate your words, they have bought me to tears.

No his words wont make it better b/c i think he's still lying, if my instinct is right, something was hapening a year ago. We had new mobile phones, the ones where you opt to have no itemised phone bills and he pratically slept with his phone under his pillow. When we ML it was always from behind, never with eye contact and with hardly any kissing, sounds awful now but at the time you do it. When he said it wasn't exciting in the bedroom, i told him i didn't feel loved by him or emotionaly connected and I needed that connection to be able to 'let go'.

Also the viagra issue, did he need it to get it up with me on the once week occasion we did it? When I discovered it he said the issues were his and he had sought help and working on it himself, he rehid the tablets but i found them and i monitored them, he was taking them reguarly on a tuesday night, i couldn't fathom it out at the time. He also had regular repeat perscriptions (not cheap either, £35.00 for 4 tablets) he used to take 1/2 a one at a time. So was he struggling to get it up if he was with o/w or was it for extra prowess?

I have no way of knowing when the affair started and i will probably never know the full story, i've offered him teh chance to come clean with honesty before i hear any more gossip, but i know he hasn't the balls to face me and why should he in his eyes he isn't guilty. I hope he hurts, what hurt do you think they suffer? hurt for himself i think b/c he's been found out and they neva intended for it to do so.

I hope he feels remorse for the lying and for having her in my home, i would settle for that right now.

LWB - our situations are very similiar, if the affair is finished, H is till saying he doesn't want me and she wasn't the reason he left, that hurts b/c he was emotionally detached from me to have had an affair and now he is still not connected, so i don't think he will decide to come back? I would love it if he was grovelling right now.


Holly - what made your H want to recommit? did you constantly have the ilybnilwy speech?

I have also turned mobile off for today, there is nothing more i want to say and nothing more i want to hear from him right now.

x Eve

[Evie]

Holly, do you want a job? I'm short of a good instructor!!!

Love eve

[Holly06]

Well, as wonderful as England sounds, my life is here in the US, but that is something I am considering doing IF my life takes me to the state where TJ lives.

Nothing I did or said made him recommit to our marriage. So far all he is admitting to is " he does not want the divorce" and we are attempting a reconcilliation. Good enough for me. He is leading the way for us, but he also lead the way, as he exited our marriage.

TJ only gave me the I don't love you the way I should, the way I used to and we deserve better" speech only once. I did not give him the opportunity to have to say it again.

I didn't do anything to talk TJ into our marriage. I wanted him to want our M all on his own. This takes time. You have 18 mo to 2 years before you can broach this subject if you want to have your family back together. Lots of damage will be done. I want you to be the strong one, and let him do all the damaging.

Right now you need small steps, to heal. So you can be strong.
YOur energy and focus needs to be on yourself, and not H. Your kids need the left over energy and smiles.

The only way to get your M back is to let him go.

Act as if you are prepared and calm about putting your life together. Act as if H is a neighbor that you must put up with having fencing issues with. Be pleasant and no more attacking. It feels good initially, and then it feels rotten. Not a good way to take care of you.

K?

I think the one thing that helped our sitch the most, was I was going to be the nicest mores reasonable woman you ever divorced.

TJdid not expect it, and he watched me very carefully whenever he had the chance.

All he knew and saw was I was OK. Even better than OK.

That is what attracted him back.

In order for that strategy to work, you have to be OK. You have to heal a bit more.
So first steps first.
You will find your way. We will help you.

[LL44]

and he pratically slept with his phone under his pillow

Oh girl, been there. On here, everyone used to joke with me when H would use his cell as a pillow. That would be scary to me to feel so connected....so desparate...to need to hear every possible ring...every possible chance to talk.

our situations are very similiar, if the affair is finished, H is till saying he doesn't want me and she wasn't the reason he left, that hurts b/c he was emotionally detached from me to have had an affair and now he is still not connected, so i don't think he will decide to come back? I would love it if he was grovelling right now

Yes Yes Yes!!! H ended his A on his own in December, and it changed nothing between us. In fact, he has been flirting and probably dating now that we are separated. He sees nothing wrong with this since he is divorced in his mind. I can't change this, but darnit it hurts. For him to give all the good stuff to someone else, things that he used to give me. I don't think my H will decide to come back, the road back for him would be too difficult. Its easier in his mind to run.

HUGS!

[Evie]

cant believe i've just typed a whole page and it hasn't submitted!!

I just wanted to thank you both for your replies.

lwb -sounds like we're married to the same guy!

I've just had my first face to face encounter with H since wednesday and it didn't go down well at all. He dropped s2 off after having him for a few hours while i worked. H looked normal like nothing had happened and asked for some of his dvd's, he was on his way to work, so i said i would put them to one side, I said bye and shut and locked the door(habit)

within minutes he was on the phone to s1 saying he didn't get the chance to say hello to him b/c mummy had slammed the door in his face, in fact s2 was lying on the sofa watching a dvd and didn't move when i said his dad was back.

within a minute of that call i got a text message saying if i wanted to be a BITCH, then he would be too, and too remember it was half his house as well. He said he didn't appreciate the door been slammed in his face without the chance to kiss the boys.

i can see how my behaviour must have seemed, but i didn't do it delibrately, i was so nervous of seeing and didn't know how to act, he threw me with the way he acted ( i thought he would appear more sheepish) and acting for his dvd's without a consideration for me. If the shoe was on the foot and it was me i would be laying low and letting things die down before asking for ANYTHING.

It wasn't done delibrately, but i can see how my behaviour would have seemed. I texted him back and said i was sorry for the door it was a habit, i hadn't deliberately stop boys from saying hello, that s2 was on the sofa and he could come in and help himself to his dvd's.

His reply was that he was sending me an email and he wanted me to read it, I said 'don't, there's nothing right now i want to hear from u. Even more if your about to have a go about the kids'. He asked me to read it, this is it:

''This is already becoming nasty and tempers are being lossed.

I am already having to say to S1 that I couldn't say good bye to him because you just slammed the door then locked it in my face.

I am not going to barge into the house or thieve items which we bought together over the many years. We have both worked so hard for every thing we own at the cost of our marriage.

We have lost our marriage and I really don't want to lose every thing we have worked for as well.

I fully accept that the situation is my fault and I am really not proud of it and especially not talking to you in the very early days.

I know now is the wrong time to discuss matters - and I'm not going to.

I just wanted to let you know that I have no want for this to get nasty because in temper things are said and actions may well be taken by either of us to spite each other.

I do want to keep things on an even kiel - and I know you hate me but please can you not use the children or slam the door in my face.

I still want to share all we have worked for between us inc the business etc etc - I am not an evil person or a person to fight for a tv or a house plant etc etc and I hope you are not either.

There would be only one winner if this becomes nasty and that is a Solicitor who will be on holiday and who drives around in a car paid for by us fighting each other.''

I just feel that he wants everything, there doesn't seem to be any consideration for the fact that he has just ended my world for a second time and he wants to remain friends, split everthing 50/50 and lets not quibble about it in the process!!!!

I'm not going to reply, but I do feel like saying F**k you, you lied, decieved and humiliated me and you want me to be ok about it all.....[censored] i'm so pissed right now...

If i 'act as if' he's going to think i'm ok about it all (just like the last 6 months), i'm dammed if i do and im dammed if i dont.

Any advice?