Help with Catch 22

[onward]

(This is a duplicate, from another forum, but I think that the folks here might have some good suggestions)

My WAW is pushing for a collaborative divorce. We're at the start of the process, where we are picking lawyers, coaches, and child specialists.

It's been 5 1/2 months since the bomb was dropped, we have a 5yr old daughter, and we still live together, albeit in different rooms.

I've tried to DB in the past 2 months, although last night we got into a Relationship/communication talk, which predictably did not go well.

The challenge I have is that W essentially is saying that "we are the we are, and even though you've made changes at your core you still don't listen/empathize with me." Her big proof point of this is that I am not willing to accept her vision of how we would split assets and what living arrangements will be post Divorce.

This is a catch 22, because:
1) I don't want us to divorce, I can accept this if I must, but I don't agree with her. If I agree with her we divorce, if I don't we divorce. I lose either way...
2) We did not come into the marriage on equal footing, I had much more, and while she will leave with some assets, she won't be able to afford a house on her own. What she wants is for us to timeshare our current house, and for each to also have a studio apartment as well. Or she would like us to take the equity from the current house (law says 75% would come to me), and the last of my egg-nest (was mine prior to marriage), to buy two much smaller homes. Again, If I don't buy-into her plan I haven't changed and she won't work on R. If I do buy-into her plan then I have changed, but we divorce on her terms.

I think that I'm even willing to do what she wants if there was some willingness to work on M, but today there simply isn't, and telling her this simply comes across as coercion trying to strong-arm her into doing R work...

Any helpful thoughts?

[kml]

Don't screw yourself over financially in hopes that it will make her come back. Most people who try this just end up regretting it.

If there are areas you can afford to be generous in, then do, but only if it makes sense.

As for her plan about sharing the house and apartments - just tell her you doubt your future wife would enjoy that arrangement. (She's obviously not thinking as far as you remarrying, is she?).

As far as the other financial stuff - just calmly, kindly tell her:
" I know financially it will be difficult for you, but you must remember that YOU are choosing this path. I will give you what the law says is fair. I will do my best to help you if you get in a bind. But YOU are CHOOSING this path, and it means you must also accept the consequences of your choices."

Now - having said all that - do try to be fair financially. If your wife was a SAHM, or pursued a less-aggressive career path because of mothering, she ought to be compensated somewhat for that choice. Her earning power would likely be higher now if she hadn't been raising your child, no? And she ought to get half of what you have acquired during the marriage, regardless of your state laws; marriage is a partnership and that's fair, I think.

And do try validating her - that does nOT mean agreeing with things you don't agree with, but empathetically listening so she feels heard. Example:
W:" You never blah blah blah and I felt blah blah blah".
You: "That must have felt awful.I'm sorry you felt that way. It was never my intention to hurt you."

Don't argue your point, or try to talk her out of her view. You can validate without agreeing.

Ellie

[Just_Me]

Nothing to add to what Ellie wrote. It was great...I just want to second that screwing yourself over likely won't help anything. Your wife is aware of your feelings for her and believe me, is not above using those feelings to her advantage.

[No_More_Dodo]

As far as the other financial stuff - just calmly, kindly tell her:
" I know financially it will be difficult for you, but you must remember that YOU are choosing this path . I will give you what the law says is fair. I will do my best to help you if you get in a bind. But YOU are CHOOSING this path, and it means you must also accept the consequences of your choices."

That is spot on..... She is choosing this path... My WAW complained about never again being able to afford things like the vacations we took..... and other things..... That is simply too bad for them....


When they are married to you, they reap all of the benefits.... When they choose leave, IMHO, they do NOT become entitled to live the same way...

No_More_Dodo

[runningoutoftime]

Timeshare a house??? No way. If you don't want a divorce definitely don't make it any easier for her.

Always go with what you are legally entitled to (and more if possible!!! You can always change things later if you want.... but now you need to make this look like a dreary choice for her). Also, make sure you have the best lawyer possible. Someone who specializes in divorce.

If she complains just tell her nicely, "Honey, I'm sorry, but have to follow my attorney's advice. That's what I'm paying for...."

Also, you wrote:
>>The challenge I have is that W essentially is saying that "we are the we are, and even though you've made changes at your core you still don't listen/empathize with me<<

You shouldn't be having relationship talk at this point. No relationship talk, no marriage talk, no blame.... give lots and lots of space and talk with your lawyer about the D stuff. If you must talk about something, be very business-like and emotionally detached when discussing it. For the moments when she does approach you to talk about anything definitely listen, listen, listen, reflect back what she says, always agree with her (except on financial or kid stuff), and when you don't agree say, "I hear you."