Okay, one other thing (and thanks everyone for letting me continue to post in piecing!).
I've mentioned that we'd been through something 9 years ago. Same basic situation - distance between us (though that time it was physical), her in degree program and feeling overwhelmed, OM pushing to be with her. She eventually saw me again and recognized the connection we shared (after 4 months of virtually no contact), and sent a letter after our meeting. I just found it again and feel like she could have written it yesterday:
"Oh Lodo, what a grand mess I've created for myself. I've been through an incredible range of emotions in the past 6 months ... feeling like I didn't have the energy to mend things and just not wanting to deal. Not knowing what I wanted from you and trying to figure out what I was missing from you that made me interested in someone else.
So now what? I need to tell you about OM. He's much more ready to be involved with me than I am to be involved with him. He'd be very hurt and confused by my thoughts right now. I haven't been entirely honest with him - I still think of you a lot. I'm driving myself utterly crazy thinking about this and wondering what I've done. You ask if it's over and I want to give a definite answer, but I don't feel definite about it. I don't have everything invested in OM and don't know him well enough yet to say if I love him, though he says he loves me. I don't know how to handle it, obviously.
I told you how empty I've felt lately, pretending like all of this wasn't happening and if I played along, the answer would be obvious. What is obvious now is that I have to make a decision, I have to tell you something and settle things and settle them with myself and OM too. I feel totally at a loss. I guess it boils down to the fact that I'm happy doing what I'm doing right now. What to leave you with? Can you give me 3 months? If I've lost you after that time then I will be the one suffering. I guess, though, that I have to tell you it's over because I'm not ready to be with you right now and honestly I'm excited to try things with OM, even though I can't believe that I am. I'm sorry."
So, again, that was 9 years ago, but I feel like she is feeling and saying the same exact things - even asking for some time to try things with OM! Crazy, why didn't I brand this letter in my memory forever? But 9 years is a long time and I forgot.
So what happened then? 2 months later she lost it, apologized profusely for putting me through such crap, went out of her way to make amends. But I'd never read DB and we never dealt with that period - just put it out of our minds.
Anyway, this is why I have hope - she came out of the fog before. But it's also why I wonder if I should continue hoping - is this a cycle?
Just rambling, but one other thing I'm curious about. She said OM was advocating for her to stay in M. When I talked to a friend of hers a few months ago, her friend said she thought OM had ended PA. W said they were both struggling with EA. I wonder how he feels about her choice? She sees him as professional colleague and therefore probably a more suitable choice. Maybe I am wrong to pursue. Also found out they're spending big chunks of Aug/Sept together. Maybe he is better for her and they'll be very happy working and living together.
PMA is rapidly deteriorating. Need to get out in the sun.
