Worried I found DB too late

[cw68]

Thanks everyone. Last night was a low night on the rollercoaster. The good thing is that H and I have continued to converse about the situation. Last night he emailed me thanking me for being a good parent and partner, despite his shortcomings (his word) and that the kids were lucky to have me. I responded that they were lucky to have us and while I appreciated the thanks, I'm just a parent and partner through the good and the bad and that this is just the bad.

Of course, I've been doing a lot of thinking after last night. As I said, we had a little R talk during a part of dinner when the kids were off playing video games. Also had a good DBing moment when he asked me what was new with me, what I had been up to because I had plenty of things with which to respond. Part of the R talk was that his therapist told him that he can't make any decision either way right at this point. He told me again how he felt pressured to get married, that he was concerned with the "forever" part and the like. I told him that I had no clue because he never showed any hesitation and when I told him way back when that I wasn't ever going to get divorced again because HE wanted kids, he was right on board. He nodded and agreed.

I asked him if one thing he worried about with coming back is that I would hold this over his head and he said that he was kind of worried about that, but that it wasn't a huge concern. I told him not to worry about that because if we got back together I would be having my eyes on the future and that I could honestly get past it now. Before our separation, I don't know if I could do that yet I'm at the point where I now could and I shared that with him. He also said that putting our lives on hold right now is so hard.

After he spoke with the kids this morning, he called back to talk to me. He's test-driving a motorcycle today and told me that he was thinking that maybe I should get my own, too. HA! He asked how I slept last night and how the kids were. I told him that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to say goodnight to the kids in the garage when it's bedtime. Agreeing with me, he said that in the future, to avoid bedtime meltdown, he'd stay through the whole bedtime routine. He again asked how I was doing.

I told him OK and that after thinking about his "on hold" comment that I don't really feel like life is on hold right now, that this is just our life. "Good point" he responded. I also asked him that IF we got back together (and I said I realized that chances are low at this point so he didn't feel pressured) if he would always hold it over my head that he felt pressured to get married. This was something I was thinking about a lot last night in my insomniatic state. He said no, that he has to let go of the past and work towards the future. Whether or not it should, that did raise a little hope in my heart.

Well, that's it. I'm off. I'm going to try to pull a new 180 and that's to stay off of the computer all day. Let's see how I do.